SterileMoth
Who knows man
- Jul 9, 2020
- 74
I'm not really sure I wanna die, there's a lot I want to do, but I'm really exhausted.
I don't feel like I've got anyone I can actually talk to, so I'm venting here. I've never recieved judgment here before, only support or valid advice regardless of what decisions I make with my life. Now, I don't know if I've been getting depressed and isolating myself, or if I've been distancing myself from the people that brought me down. A lot of friendships are distant or nonexistent now. I drank too much with a lot of them ... "Wanna hangout?" = drinking in most cases, sometimes drinking and drugs, but alcohol always inevitably ended up involved. I recognized the way alcohol caused my mood to fluctuate negatively, and I wanted to distance myself from it. Unfortunately, most people drink ... you're odd if you don't drink in a lot of social contexts, and thus most of my friends also became people I had to limit to textual contact at most. I don't really know how to make new friends though ... so I've been pretty alone.
I mostly don't mind if I'm honest, I never had friends that would hangout outside of school growing up, only for a bit after Highschool. I have my family, my boyfriend, and a few online friends. I really don't need much more, social situations often exhaust me. I feel very alone right now though, and I know it will only get worse.
See, I live with my partner (Using they/he for written context below) and have lived with them for over a year. They're one of the best people I know, they don't think twice about giving a homeless person spare change, food, whatever he has on hand that can help. We've actually had conversations about how it's understandable wanting to help, but I wouldn't feel comfortable letting strangers couch surf at our place. Prior to us dating, they did occasionally allow someone off the street to stay in their place, it did not always end well. I admire their compassion despite being taken advantage of before. I've been abused in the past, and my partner is so gentle and understanding, didn't force me into anything faster than I wanted but made it clear he was there to support. I was so scared, I didn't think I could actually be so happy around someone like this. He listens, and understands, and he tries so hard. But he's likely going to jail for a year or two. I'd appreciate no judgment towards this, the decisions you make are your own, and this is over something that happened years ago, it's just dragged on over covid. They've really been doing their best to recover and be someone they can be proud of, I see who they are now and all the work that they've put in. I'm very proud of him. This will be a massive shift for us. I will be moving back in with my parents. I will no longer see my partner daily, sleep beside them, but instead be resigned to unpredictable phonecalls, letters, and visitation. We had plans, for the summer, the year, everything after that ... and I'm desperately trying to think of it as just on pause. That I can work on myself and career so that afterwards we're on more solid footing and can continue with everything we had planned. I fear for what could happen to him in jail, the amount of people who end up hooked on drugs and/or with awful mental health from the living conditions is terrifying. With covid, some places essentially put everyone in solitary confinement indefinitely. People rarely come out better than when they went in.
I really just want to continue building our life together ... we've already accomplished much more than I ever thought I would. I have seen him actively work on himself and get better in so many ways. It aches to lose that. It aches that I cannot do anything to change the circumstances, I am powerless, I cannot control any aspect of this. I think "If only we met sooner ... I could've been a good influence. I could've offered better support to them." but we were both different back then, so maybe I wouldn't have been the best support. I've learned a lot in the past few years too.
Anyways, I'll be back at my parents. With recent circumstances there ... that probably isn't a bad thing. One of them has recently been diagnosed with ALS ... I suppose it could be a misdiagnosis, but the doctors don't think it's likely. We'll know in about a week. Already, my dad can barely walk and there is a slur to his speech. After doing research online, I guess a lot of people only live 2 - 5 years after diagnosis. There will be many changes needed to make their house accessible and disability friendly; things to rearrange. They'll need a lot of help. My mom's done so much of the work around there lately ... she's not usually the one looking after so much. It was always my dad growing up, working, lifting, he had the energy to do things, while she didn't. So it will be nice to spend more time with my family again, because we don't know how long my dad has, and because they need the help. But I'll be so alone, my immediate support network will drop from 4 to 3 (Those 3 being my mom, dad, and brother I'll soon live with again.) I always felt I had to act a bit at home, like I couldn't be myself, and it was exhausting to maintain. They don't respect my pronouns either. I have enjoyed being able to pursue my own interests and decor, to explore gender expression and religion outside of Christianity or Atheism, and I will miss that freedom. I will miss my partner. I will miss feeling like an adult with a place and life of my own. I'm scared my dad will not get to be around for my marriage, to meet any potential grandkids my brother or I may have. I'm scared for how my mom and brother will cope when we lose him. I'm scared for how I will cope. ALS sounds like you die via suffocation or malnutrition in most cases. Your lungs give out, and you can't swallow properly, and I'm going to watch my dad go through that. I don't feel old enough for all this, my last two grandparents only passed away around 4 years ago. Most of my peers are still in university or college, some haven't even started yet, others jumped right to starting families. I don't even have my feet under me and again the ground is crumbling. I've had too many consecutive years filled with uncontrollable life altering events. Loved ones dying, bad relationships followed by bad breakups, incurable diagnosis, and that's ignoring the ongoing traumatic events the effect us globally.
I'm so fucking tired and overwhelmed, it's like one thing hits after the other, financial stress, legal stress, health stress, I don't honestly know what to do anymore. I do have plans with my partner, he and I plan to stay together and grow old. We want to live somewhere farther away from all the city noise, surrounded by nature. Maybe have a farm, definitely have a garden, maybe start a family. I could pursue art in my free time and write and dance in the sun. My parents could visit and get out of the city too, my mom always dreamt of a mountain valley or oceanside forest but my dad's work never allowed for it. I have hopes and dreams and even though it's not a lot, I have at least four people that I want to support and live to see. I'm just so exhausted and overwhelmed, I haven't stopped shaking today, I want to sleep for a long time. I want to take a break. I want to go back to when I was 5 years old and happy, carefree, and excited to experience the world. I miss when I wasn't so sad and angry at everything. I miss when things were simple. I miss when my dad caused a fender bender because I was crying over starting elementary school, so he turned around to comfort me in the back seat without thinking. I don't want to say goodbye to him. I'm not ready. I'm so sad and scared and overwhelmed. I think about dying but only if someone else did it to me or there was an accident, because I don't think I could choose to leave these people behind anymore. They've been through just as much as I have. But I desperately want a fucking break or something ... a chance to breathe and sleep and know everything will be okay, I miss when everything still felt okay. It's been so long. Is this really all growing up is, pain followed by pain? I don't know how I'll be able to go through t his cycle until I get old. I want to, but I'm hurting and tired. I guess, thanks if you read this whole thing, I don't expect anyone will ... I just needed to get everything out somewhere. Thank you, goodnight.
I don't feel like I've got anyone I can actually talk to, so I'm venting here. I've never recieved judgment here before, only support or valid advice regardless of what decisions I make with my life. Now, I don't know if I've been getting depressed and isolating myself, or if I've been distancing myself from the people that brought me down. A lot of friendships are distant or nonexistent now. I drank too much with a lot of them ... "Wanna hangout?" = drinking in most cases, sometimes drinking and drugs, but alcohol always inevitably ended up involved. I recognized the way alcohol caused my mood to fluctuate negatively, and I wanted to distance myself from it. Unfortunately, most people drink ... you're odd if you don't drink in a lot of social contexts, and thus most of my friends also became people I had to limit to textual contact at most. I don't really know how to make new friends though ... so I've been pretty alone.
I mostly don't mind if I'm honest, I never had friends that would hangout outside of school growing up, only for a bit after Highschool. I have my family, my boyfriend, and a few online friends. I really don't need much more, social situations often exhaust me. I feel very alone right now though, and I know it will only get worse.
See, I live with my partner (Using they/he for written context below) and have lived with them for over a year. They're one of the best people I know, they don't think twice about giving a homeless person spare change, food, whatever he has on hand that can help. We've actually had conversations about how it's understandable wanting to help, but I wouldn't feel comfortable letting strangers couch surf at our place. Prior to us dating, they did occasionally allow someone off the street to stay in their place, it did not always end well. I admire their compassion despite being taken advantage of before. I've been abused in the past, and my partner is so gentle and understanding, didn't force me into anything faster than I wanted but made it clear he was there to support. I was so scared, I didn't think I could actually be so happy around someone like this. He listens, and understands, and he tries so hard. But he's likely going to jail for a year or two. I'd appreciate no judgment towards this, the decisions you make are your own, and this is over something that happened years ago, it's just dragged on over covid. They've really been doing their best to recover and be someone they can be proud of, I see who they are now and all the work that they've put in. I'm very proud of him. This will be a massive shift for us. I will be moving back in with my parents. I will no longer see my partner daily, sleep beside them, but instead be resigned to unpredictable phonecalls, letters, and visitation. We had plans, for the summer, the year, everything after that ... and I'm desperately trying to think of it as just on pause. That I can work on myself and career so that afterwards we're on more solid footing and can continue with everything we had planned. I fear for what could happen to him in jail, the amount of people who end up hooked on drugs and/or with awful mental health from the living conditions is terrifying. With covid, some places essentially put everyone in solitary confinement indefinitely. People rarely come out better than when they went in.
I really just want to continue building our life together ... we've already accomplished much more than I ever thought I would. I have seen him actively work on himself and get better in so many ways. It aches to lose that. It aches that I cannot do anything to change the circumstances, I am powerless, I cannot control any aspect of this. I think "If only we met sooner ... I could've been a good influence. I could've offered better support to them." but we were both different back then, so maybe I wouldn't have been the best support. I've learned a lot in the past few years too.
Anyways, I'll be back at my parents. With recent circumstances there ... that probably isn't a bad thing. One of them has recently been diagnosed with ALS ... I suppose it could be a misdiagnosis, but the doctors don't think it's likely. We'll know in about a week. Already, my dad can barely walk and there is a slur to his speech. After doing research online, I guess a lot of people only live 2 - 5 years after diagnosis. There will be many changes needed to make their house accessible and disability friendly; things to rearrange. They'll need a lot of help. My mom's done so much of the work around there lately ... she's not usually the one looking after so much. It was always my dad growing up, working, lifting, he had the energy to do things, while she didn't. So it will be nice to spend more time with my family again, because we don't know how long my dad has, and because they need the help. But I'll be so alone, my immediate support network will drop from 4 to 3 (Those 3 being my mom, dad, and brother I'll soon live with again.) I always felt I had to act a bit at home, like I couldn't be myself, and it was exhausting to maintain. They don't respect my pronouns either. I have enjoyed being able to pursue my own interests and decor, to explore gender expression and religion outside of Christianity or Atheism, and I will miss that freedom. I will miss my partner. I will miss feeling like an adult with a place and life of my own. I'm scared my dad will not get to be around for my marriage, to meet any potential grandkids my brother or I may have. I'm scared for how my mom and brother will cope when we lose him. I'm scared for how I will cope. ALS sounds like you die via suffocation or malnutrition in most cases. Your lungs give out, and you can't swallow properly, and I'm going to watch my dad go through that. I don't feel old enough for all this, my last two grandparents only passed away around 4 years ago. Most of my peers are still in university or college, some haven't even started yet, others jumped right to starting families. I don't even have my feet under me and again the ground is crumbling. I've had too many consecutive years filled with uncontrollable life altering events. Loved ones dying, bad relationships followed by bad breakups, incurable diagnosis, and that's ignoring the ongoing traumatic events the effect us globally.
I'm so fucking tired and overwhelmed, it's like one thing hits after the other, financial stress, legal stress, health stress, I don't honestly know what to do anymore. I do have plans with my partner, he and I plan to stay together and grow old. We want to live somewhere farther away from all the city noise, surrounded by nature. Maybe have a farm, definitely have a garden, maybe start a family. I could pursue art in my free time and write and dance in the sun. My parents could visit and get out of the city too, my mom always dreamt of a mountain valley or oceanside forest but my dad's work never allowed for it. I have hopes and dreams and even though it's not a lot, I have at least four people that I want to support and live to see. I'm just so exhausted and overwhelmed, I haven't stopped shaking today, I want to sleep for a long time. I want to take a break. I want to go back to when I was 5 years old and happy, carefree, and excited to experience the world. I miss when I wasn't so sad and angry at everything. I miss when things were simple. I miss when my dad caused a fender bender because I was crying over starting elementary school, so he turned around to comfort me in the back seat without thinking. I don't want to say goodbye to him. I'm not ready. I'm so sad and scared and overwhelmed. I think about dying but only if someone else did it to me or there was an accident, because I don't think I could choose to leave these people behind anymore. They've been through just as much as I have. But I desperately want a fucking break or something ... a chance to breathe and sleep and know everything will be okay, I miss when everything still felt okay. It's been so long. Is this really all growing up is, pain followed by pain? I don't know how I'll be able to go through t his cycle until I get old. I want to, but I'm hurting and tired. I guess, thanks if you read this whole thing, I don't expect anyone will ... I just needed to get everything out somewhere. Thank you, goodnight.
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