Venting there's no significance to my name

[ctb★prince]

i was just watching a movie on the tv, my film choices always get judged by others so i quickly turned the tv off when i heard the rest of my family finally get home, i waited for them to announce themselves to me, like it usually goes, but they didnt, they didnt notice me, everything behind me, which would be the kitchen, reflected clearly in the tv, that way i silently watched them unpack the groceries, take things in and out of the frige, i listened to them talk, it all sounded so normal, theyre all freak people but they seemed to coexist nicely, not like when im around, i always do things wrong, i dont laugh at their jokes, i dont get their references, they didnt notice i was there, only when i got back to my room and closed the doors

earlier today i was got picked out in math class to solve something, i pulled an all nighter today so my mind was all scrambled, i got confused midway and turned to the others for help, usually they pay attention to the person solving a problem but in my case they somehow managed to get bored and start talking to each other instead, i felt humiliated, i know theyd rather have someone smarter go do it without wasting anyones time

later i got suspected of cheating, i actually wasnt, in fact i forgot to even prepare myself for a possibility of cheating, didnt rewrite nor download the materials, and i was sitting weird because of the cramps ive gotten after i tried doing fitness for the first time, which completly destroyed my weak and useless body, i tried to joke around that this wrongful accusation got me off track, and i got yelled at a classmate for being a distraction, she was right, i shouldnt have said anything, i shouldnt sit and look weird either

whenever im at school, which is the only place i leave my room for, noone besides one person approaches me, whenever theyre not there im all alone, i chat to the school staff, but even though our interactions are generally nice, they dont see me as who i am, they both look over my trans identity and also are used to a fake happy persona i mask with not to disturb them
i annoy anyone else i do talk to, people dont like me for reasons that seem stupid to me, because id never hate someone for that, especially not to that degree, there are some people who do try to say something to me sometimes but its people i know talk behind my back and just want to be buddies with everyone around either way

my jokes are funny, i rarely have something significant to say, i dont have any special talents other than what i used to show off with at the playground as a child, im not friends with anyone exordinary, i dont own cool things, im not interested in cool things either, im not charismatic and dont know any important nor interesting stuff for that matter

i used to shield myself with my narcissism, im too aware of my condition so it was always just jokes, that some people took seriously to the point where they seriously think i think of myself as a higher astral diety, probably because my tone is flat, and my delivery is awfull
anyway, i think thats stopping to work too

what would change if i was suddenly gone, probably not much, i ran away from home and sheltered myself a couple of times now, i got so used to no panic of me not being there that nowdays i actually get kind of annoyed whenever he raises an alarm about my disappearance, which is weird, and annoying, and i mustve sounded like such a douche when i finally said this was the case for me

i also feel like i complain too much, if i dont like everything around me so much then why dont i leave, i dont contribute much either way, i feel kind of guilty for even posting here now, but i dont have a safer place, doubt i ever will

anyway, i dont think even my cat would notice, i dont want to go, but i dont think i was meant to be here in the first place