There's no good way to die

[dumed1]

The problem with suicide is that your situation must be so terrible that even death feels like a better option. That's the only way to overcome SI. Otherwise, you'll stop yourself at the last moment, and rightly so. (I'm assuming enough maturity to understand that death is permanent - lots of kids CTB because of temporary problems without fully comprehending what they are doing, I'm not talking about them.)

Suicidal ideation can be a coping mechanism, as a fantasy to escape intractable problems. But unless your pain really is so great that death is preferable, it's just idle thoughts, and distressing ones at that. Not recommended (of course, I can't stop myself from doing it either).

The problem is then that all this focus on a peaceful form of death seems pointless. No death can really be peaceful if in order to successfully die, your pain must be greater than the pain of death.

In the past, I was very concerned about dying peacefully, because I didn't really want to die. Now that my pain has increased significantly, I don't think I care as much, as long as death is guaranteed.

But it also feels horrible that my last experiences of life will be unbearable pain. Ideally I'd want to die in a more pleasant environment. But if I am capable of experiencing pleasure or even the absence of pain, then CTB seems to be the wrong decision. Maybe this is why bipolar people often CTB in the manic phase as their mood degrades towards the depressed phase.

Right now, I've only been experiencing pain for a week straight. That's not long enough to CTB. Maybe it will get better - it often does. But if it doesn't, and I stay in pain for a month, for a year... At that point, I will have forgotten that I ever enjoyed life. And that's maybe the only time that CTB would be justified. It's horrible to imagine how terrible my life must get for me to legitimately want to die.

Maybe there's an alternative? I can wait for my condition to stabilize, and once I figure out what my life will be like, I can make an informed, unemotional decision to end my life or not. But how can CTB not be emotional??? At the very end, it's just you and your SI, and overcoming that is emotionally incredibly difficult.

This is why I wish that I had died due to a freak accident, instead of slowly becoming disabled and in pain. It really feels like I'm living in hell, experiencing the worst possible feeling in the world, to feel like taking my own life is the only way out. Having life circumstances force you to make that choice is worse than death, in my opinion.

What do you think?

 

[Sutter]

Well its a beat down, no question.

It would be my fervent hope that most fight, first. Its a real response to want to live and a pinnacle decision as whether to live or die.

I think some, not all of the pain people feel comes from the one searing physical or mental pain they have. For me there is also a secondary one, just having one other person to connect with in some way, that is not a rejection, insincere blubbering, tyrannical need to control me, but instead underneath it all is just a quiet acceptance. I guess I call it the last touch.

The smidgen of reason I see is fear. Everyone has it admitted or not, people fear the death process and a life not lived as they are. I can understand that. It is not meant in a careless way but I would hope others can walk a quiet path as calm as they can muster. So however much time, ideation, peaceful planning they need, they get.

Lastly the fates, or what have you. I think the last is a hopeful holy grail of suicide. Not meaning it doesnt happen but to pass because of an accident, fates calling it, god saying hi, is a relief to many. I think of this one as the easy trigger. Look up to nothing, ask why, no response needed, request to die, and die.

Honestly none of it is good. Life was meant to be a meat grinder. Death was meant to be easy for those not wanting that introduction. Both sides of a coin, arguably equally important in aspect to every soul here.

I didnt get here, to this point, in a straight shot. Some you could foresee some was just freak chance. Point being its all a hot mess. In the end there was something, in some way that broke our core.

I think we are left the worst possible choices, and choose we must. Sadly as much as my thrashing soul would like to fight my pain and everyone elses, it will not happen. The best I can offer is brimming tears and a fleeting moment that I was here now and I heard you.

Your pain, my pain, all our suffering.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't agree. I feel like the reason as to why it's so hard to die is because the methods presented to us are harsh and brutal. If we had access to peaceful methods and people were still unable to die due to their SI, sure, I'd conclude that you're right. However, for as long as peaceful methods aren't available, I can't agree with you

 

[FuneralCry]

If I had access to painless, guaranteed death then that would be good for me personally, what terrifies me is the thought of trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse agony, in general I just fear suffering way more for way longer in this existence I never would have chosen, existence really is so cruel to me and I'm sorry you suffer. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[SVEN]

I think that, for me, Nembutal could be not a good, but a great, way to die.
As a TV advert once proclaimed (not re N) "Relief beyond Belief".

 

[Wendigo]

What terrifies me is failing. I've already failed once and had to deal with the consequences, both mentally and physically.

The main problem is the lack of access to a guaranteed method. No matter what method you use, you risk severe consequences unless you have access to the holy grail, which is almost impossible nowadays.

 

[dumed1]

Interesting. I think the difference is maybe that I don't actually want to die, I just want my pain to stop, while others here definitely want to die... for some reason.

There are fairly successful methods out there, like guns or jumping off of a high place. Why not do those? I'm guessing that, especially while contemplating jumping, the SI would be extremely strong, indicating that maybe the pain of living is not yet so bad that suicide is the only option.

I don't agree. I feel like the reason as to why it's so hard to die is because the methods presented to us are harsh and brutal. If we had access to peaceful methods and people were still unable to die due to their SI, sure, I'd conclude that you're right. However, for as long as peaceful methods aren't available, I can't agree with you

I would love to have N as well, but I think having access to a seemingly-peaceful way to die obscures how harsh and brutal suicide itself is, regardless of method.

If I had easy access to N previously, I might have taken it a decade ago, when I had no business CTBing, and in fact my life got a lot better since that time, and I'm glad I didn't die when I was vaguely considering it.

Now my life has gotten significantly worse due to physical health issues, and it looks unlikely to improve, although who knows. At this point, when I consider death, I don't care as much as about whether it's peaceful or not, only about whether it's successful. That leads me to believe that I previously did not actually want to die as much as I do now, and yet even now, I wouldn't say I really want to die.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

Well put. The last time I got close to pulling the trigger i concluded that i haven't truly reached rock bottom yet, if i had i knew i wouldn't be searching for the most graceful way to go, i would've done the fastest most effective thing regardless of the pain. That's how i knew i wasn't ready yet.

 

[dumed1]

Well put. The last time I got close to pulling the trigger i concluded that i haven't truly reached rock bottom yet, if i had i knew i wouldn't be searching for the most graceful way to go, i would've done the fastest most effective thing regardless of the pain. That's how i knew i wasn't ready yet.

So then what are we doing on this forum, and what are we doing contemplating suicide all the time?

I wish I could answer my own question for myself. I think I get some immediate relief from fantasizing about death, even if I'm not actually going to go through with it. But I think it's overall harmful psychologically to respond to adversity with suicidal ideation, as it strengthens the suicidal ideation neural circuitry and weakens the other coping circuits. And suicidal ideation, even when comforting, is also pretty distressing!

 

[We Are Angels]

There is one way. You could be a pampered, naive child who never experiences suffering and dies in their sleep at a young age (7 or younger) from some painless illness.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I agree and would like to add the following: I differentiate between the process of dying and the state of being dead.

The process of dying can be very peacfull. When I was anaesthetised prior to a surgery I blacked out in no time and if I would had died during the surgery it would have been a really painless, peacefull and unemotional death.

To choose the state of being dead is a completly different thing. It depends very much on what I believe the state of beeing dead is like. Is it simple not existing, or do I believe in something like an afterlife, maybe even heaven or hell? My life must be much worse than what I expect from the state of beeing dead; only under this precondition I might overcome my survival instinct. I could even give up a good life if I expect something much better as for example the people in Jonestown did when they committed a mass suicid.

 

[Wendigo]

Well put. The last time I got close to pulling the trigger i concluded that i haven't truly reached rock bottom yet, if i had i knew i wouldn't be searching for the most graceful way to go, i would've done the fastest most effective thing regardless of the pain. That's how i knew i wasn't ready yet.

I understand your point but, there is no guarantee is going to work, you risk brain damage etc.