Venting There’s comfort in sickness.

[FERAL_FRENZY]

Three years ago, I befriended a classmate with similar issues to mine. We were pretty close, and we could practically tell each other anything. Our conversations ranged from silly info dumps about video games to suicidal ideation and plans for the future. We don't talk anymore, and I find myself missing her dearly. To me, she was more than just a friend, and that's the closest I've ever gotten to unconditionally loving someone. (The bar is kind of in hell but that's neither here nor there…)

I've had an unsavory plethora of friends since then, none of whom have been able to surpass her. Dry texters, sleazy perverts, people who were secretly racist or homophobic, etc. My current friend group is fine, but they're all boring as hell. They're about as cookie-cutter and normal as it gets. They attend school, have decent relationships with their families, and maintain active social lives outside of the internet. It's lame. I can't relate to any of that, so I just sit awkwardly in the corner while they talk. None of our conversations could possibly go beyond surface level because they'll most definitely give me weird looks the moment the mask slips. It's like, "Oh, nevermind, I forgot I'm supposed to pretend that everything's ok 24/7 and that I'm not on the verge of jumping off the nearest ledge." It's like they've never had to worry about anything in the last decade or so. They never cried themselves to sleep. They never had to experience those late, sleepless nights of idly staring at the ceiling, waiting to feel something—anything at all. It's stupidly easy for them, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't envious. Sometimes I feel like the floater friend. I come and go and no one really seems to notice. I'm just kind of there, doing whatever, and my presence is valueless.

Sometimes I find myself wishing for that special person to come into my life. Someone equally as unwell as I am. It'd probably be a total disaster, and we'd only end up bringing out the worst in each other, but I desperately crave that familiarity. The familiarity of knowing that there's something wrong with us and deciding to stick together anyway. We'd have nothing to hide and nothing to lose. I've never really cared about getting better anyway; I feel like I'm much too far gone for that. I could never be a "normal" teenager anymore.

 

[pilotviolin]

im sorry to hear, it is really isolating when you realise you have noone around you to share your pain or feel comfortable existing with, knowing there is no judgement, just understanding or comradery. i feel similar, ive only had a friendship like you described once when i was young, then my parents didnt let us talk again for talking about being LGBT (and talking about suicide but mainly being LGBT), since then ive just felt lonely. i feel like most people just end up looking down on me irl.

may i ask why you two stopped talking? its ok if you would rather not say, friendship breakups can hurt alot.

 

[FERAL_FRENZY]

im sorry to hear, it is really isolating when you realise you have noone around you to share your pain or feel comfortable existing with, knowing there is no judgement, just understanding or comradery. i feel similar, ive only had a friendship like you described once when i was young, then my parents didnt let us talk again for talking about being LGBT (and talking about suicide but mainly being LGBT), since then ive just felt lonely. i feel like most people just end up looking down on me irl.

may i ask why you two stopped talking? its ok if you would rather not say, friendship breakups can hurt alot.

Well, we had an argument about her being unable to move on from a past situationship with another girl. It clearly did a number on her mental health, and she'd randomly start bringing it up around our other friends. She still decided to hang out with her in spite of our advice, which just trapped her in a vicious cycle of resentment and yearning. Eventually, I had enough and told her that she was only going to keep hurting herself if she kept hanging around that person. She didn't take it too well and decided to bring up my reluctance to break off a past relationship with one of my exes in retaliation.

I was still reeling from the fallout of that relationship, so hearing her bring it up pissed me off. In hindsight, maybe it was hypocritical of me to try to intervene in her drama, but I just didn't want to see her feeling that miserable anymore. I once knew what that was like. Anyway, I think that was the final nail in the coffin because she sounded devastated, especially since I promised I wouldn't abandon her in the past. It was kind of a dick move. I still miss her, even after all this time. It feels kind of dumb.

 

[enduringwinter]

The friendship might have still run its course even if you hadn't intervened. I miss people I cut off too, it's normal. It can't be helped. I just cherish the memories.

If time and space had worked out differently I would've liked to be your friend.

 

[Spreadingmywings]

Spoiler

 

[tenshi]

im sorry man; it sucks when no one u know irl shares the same experiences you have. i can relate too; everyone around me is super high-performing and stable, and i would get ostracized if i let my mental illness slip out even a little. even if spiraling into self destruction with someone who is just as unwell as you might not be the healthiest solution, it's really comforting to just be able to cling onto and trust someone like that. it seems like you found that comfort in your old friend, and while drifting apart from old friends always stings a little, i don't think there's much you can do about it now.

for what it's worth, i really really hope you find someone new that you can share that bond with. ^^

 

[msesis]

Honestly, it might be worth reaching out just with an apology about overreaching into her business like that. After all, you felt the same way when she did the same to you. Doesn't mean you have to reconnect, but she may be thinking about it too after all these years.. at the very least it may make her feel better.

I had someone apologize to me out of the blue randomly a year later, and even though by then I didn't even care that much anymore, I still appreciated that a lot.