Venting There’s a method in my house right now

[bpdbun]

For 10 years now I have tried endless ways to ctb, and for the past year I have been scouring the clear and dark nets for more methods and advice (including lurking here til I recently made an account) and have had no luck despite very late nights reading the PPH and compiling research.

Well, I live with my mom and her partner recently moved in. The other day I went in their room to borrow something and saw he has a shotgun on his side of the bed.

I was shaking and dissociated for a few hours over it. A method I've heavily considered is now in my home readily available, but I can't, I won't do it that way.

I couldn't bear using someone else's gun and making them carry that guilt, and I refuse to make my mom bury me. We're the only family we have left so I'm trying to wait until she passes, but 80% of every day I'm daydreaming of suicide.

I just needed to vent, because knowing a gun is in the house gives me peace of mind, but also chaos. It's teasing me.

 

[castler]

It is an 'just in case' method if none else. ALOT of folks just choose SN as a primary option. Me, I'm headin a diff. Route.

Best of luck 2U!

 

[bpdbun]

It is an 'just in case' method if none else. ALOT of folks just choose SN as a primary option. Me, I'm headin a diff. Route.

Best of luck 2U!

I feel stupid because I really can't figure out a way to get SN or N

 

[keitaro]

I feel stupid because I really can't figure out a way to get SN or N

it really depends on where you live. this megathread helped me figure out where to get sn:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sn-megathread.1156/

 

[bpdbun]

it really depends on where you live. this megathread helped me figure out where to get sn:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sn-megathread.1156/

Yeah I've read through it a million times, it also doesn't help I'm unemployed and waiting on disability so every single penny I manage to get goes towards my meds and bills

 

[Zegers]

It's hard to think about ctb like all the time and not being able to do it because you don't have a method at hand, I know how that feels. I think the firearm is one of the best methods maybe along N

 

[keitaro]

Yeah I've read through it a million times, it also doesn't help I'm unemployed and waiting on disability so every single penny I manage to get goes towards my meds and bills

oh dang. well, if you happen to be in the united states, then DD is the prolly the best source of sn, in my opinion. it's quite cheap and easy to order. otherwise, i'm not sure.

and i can see why you wouldn't want to use someone else's gun and have them feel guilty. it's nice of you to think of other people, especially your mom. i think that if my mom realized how painful it is for me to exist, she would gladly want me to enter eternal peace, because she loves me. and tho she would suffer grief for awhile, her pain would be only temporary, and she would have the comfort of knowing that i was no longer in pain.

to me, life is pointless, and pain is inevitable, so i may as well enter into eternal peace as soon as i can do so in a reasonably painless way.

whatever you decide to do, i hope you find some relief.

 

[toforigivelife]

It must be painful to have such an effective method in your home and yet feel like your forbidden to use it.

But it's very thoughtful of you to have stopped and thought about the effect of your using his shotgun to CTB would have on your Mom's partner.

It really was.

I was once experiencing what I think of as suicidal tunnel vision, where the only thing you can focus on is ending the pain, and in my state I asked my neighbor who has several guns in his house if I could "borrow" one of his guns.

He knew that I was in a bad way and politely told me no.

Thank God he said no.

We live in a small, rural type town, he could've assumed that I wanted to get rid of some kind of outdoor pest and innocently loaned me his gun.

But thank God he was wise to me. I wasn't being wise, I wasn't thinking clearly.

The guilt and the anguish that I could've caused that guy.

(Given your thoughtful post I'm sure you've considered that it would be better to not end it in your Mom's house.)

I'm sorry that things are so painful for you. I really am. If you've really thought this through and feel that ending your life is what's best for you then you'll find your method. And I wish you a peaceful journey.

Otherwise I'll keep a good thought for you that you somehow find the health and answers that you need. Again, I'm sorry for your pain.

 

[bpdbun]

It's hard to think about ctb like all the time and not being able to do it because you don't have a method at hand, I know how that feels. I think the firearm is one of the best methods maybe along N

Firearm seems perfect to me since if done right it's instant, but I feel guilt about what the body finder would see. Maybe one day

 

[keitaro]

Firearm seems perfect to me since if done right it's instant, but I feel guilt about what the body finder would see. Maybe one day

luckily, whatever harm we cause others will only be temporary. our lifespans are like the blink of an eye compared to the lifespan of the universe.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I know I'm very biased on any firearm method, but I'm glad you don't like that method, either. I know many on SaSu are fixated on the firearm method, especially using a shotgun, and I know it has a high probability of success. It's still a messy method and you're right, it would be extremely traumatic for anyone to find you like that. There are better methods, IMO.

 

[Snake Bridges]

God I wish I had the balls to just blow my brains out with a firearm. Too pussy to do it. Seeking other painless ways atm.

 

[FuneralCry]

Guns sound terrifying to me and if I had access to one I would be scared of it going wrong in some way but I can imagine that it must be hard having access to a method, yet feeling like you are unable to use it. A peaceful, painless exit from this life should be a human right and nobody should have to research suicide on the internet in the first place. I'm sorry that you suffer. Life is so cruel and tiring. Best wishes in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Zegers]

Americans are lucky in some things, they have guns and the best sandwiches.

 

[bpdbun]

God I wish I had the balls to just blow my brains out with a firearm. Too pussy to do it. Seeking other painless ways atm.

I feel like if I physically tried going through with it my body wouldn't let me. But I have no issues with blades or pills so I wish I could use that same energy to end it.

Guns sound terrifying to me and if I had access to one I would be scared of it going wrong in some way but I can imagine that it must be hard having access to a method, yet feeling like you are unable to use it. A peaceful, painless exit from this life should be a human right and nobody should have to research suicide on the internet in the first place. I'm sorry that you suffer. Life is so cruel and tiring. Best wishes in whatever you decide to do.

I've read so many stories of botched gun suicides and that terrifies me more than living as I do right now. The right to die should most definitely be available for everyone. I mean, none of us asked to be born in the first place, so it's quite selfish for the world to force us to live when we're suffering. Sending you love and best wishes!

Americans are lucky in some things, they have guns and the best sandwiches.

I do love a good sandwich.

 

[jcksonb22]

Yeah I've read through it a million times, it also doesn't help I'm unemployed and waiting on disability so every single penny I manage to get goes towards my meds and bills

try to take out a loan. there's hundreds of websites, even with no job at least one of them will approve you. they don't even check proof of income.