Venting There really is no hope left for me

[frailcoffee]

I try to remain as hopeful as possible but these days I hardly ever have any left to hold onto. I am deeply unsettled, no matter how many times people will reassure me or console me, it will never be enough and I'll always be looking for something more. Or that I am just not convinced by their words. Something is truly wrong with me, I can't maintain long lasting relationships, people eventually get tired of me or they just don't like me. It is not their fault, I am a very awkward person. I struggle with expressing myself properly, I am too quiet, I've nothing significant to my name. Whenever people want to connect with me, it is only to verbalize and express their frustrations, I am a shoulder to cry on because all I do is listen to people. I am a perfect bastion for those kind of people. Once they've expressed themselves, I am left alone or completely abandoned again. My family is starting to get tired of me, for disclosure, I am severely mentally ill. I am currently struggling with anorexia. I am also autistic. It is very hard to treat people like me, and when people discover that I struggle with what I have mentioned, I am treated either like a child, or devilishly stupid, inept. It isn't their fault, these are the cards i was dealt. In the end, all I have is myself. I have decided that the only way out is putting an end to my life, there is no treatment, no support, convincing enough for me to desire/strive for change in my life. No matter what I do, I will always be left behind. I am used and discarded. All I can do is sit back and watch everyone go on about their lives. I don't want to be the bystander anymore. I don't want to keep inconveniencing others anymore. I have decided my fate, I chose to hang soon. I won't go into detail, that is for another time. But that is my final option.

 

[ke9]

I get it. Totally. Whatever direction you take. Only I'd say "screw them" instead of feeling bad about inconveniencing anyone. And I say this as someone who has the same kinds of thoughts.