There is something interesting about being depressive and stop feeling sense in life

[Bntep]

When you are not chemically stimulated anymore because of any reason that has left you in depression you perceive that life at all can be thrown away. There is nothing such as meaning, purpose, beauty, or something like that, it is just people following their brain's needs for stimulation and well-being at all. And all those stimuli are ultimately mediocre, even those which can be considered more worthy. It means, at least for me, that it makes sense to persist in life only if you are really feeling such a joy in this. If not, I think it is valid for you to look for some way to end it.
But then comes the problem: I am here, struggling day after day to improve my life and then achieve my goals (which are such things like intellectual achievement and improvement in the life of certain groups of people), just because I cannot kill myself, then I feel the necessity of not letting my life become unbearable, since I am obligated to stay in it.
The psychological pain is getting even worse, existing is being a penance, but I cannot just get free of this suffering, even though I see life that way and get more disgusted with people, culture and life at all each day.
Is there someone who is also struggling with this and wants to share their pain here so somebody or even I can talk to and comfort them?

 

[J&L383]

I hear you. Feeling very similar. I believe you will find similarly minded people here.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel exactly this. Being largely dissociated from the world. The world and people partly frighten and partly disgust me. It's weird witnessing yourself care less and less about everything. Some days I feel a marked shift towards the grave.

Yet, at the same time, there's a level I feel I can't dip below. I need to financially sustain myself so that my parents don't get burdened and don't give me a whole load of shit. So- that means working, which means remaining fit enough to work. I let all else that I can lapse until I feel pressured to do it.

My reason for lingering is because I want to wait for my Dad to go first. He's the last remaining person I feel like my suicide would deeply affect. It's a weird limbo, waiting stage. It's really just treading water now. Still making the effort not to drown. Still making the effort not to ask for help from others. A very bizarre feeling though.

An increasingly resentful feeling unfortunately seeing as life and all else that came with it feels like such an imposition now. One that I still feel obliged to suffer for the same person who gave me the problem(s) to begin with.

I think the irony is weird. Many of us are doing all we can to protect the people (our parents) from the same harm and grief they knowingly gave to us. They would have known too- if they'd given it 5 minutes thought. They expect us to cope with their deaths but apparently, they won't be able to cope with ours. I don't really get how they call that love even.

 

[Bntep]

I feel exactly this. Being largely dissociated from the world. The world and people partly frighten and partly disgust me. It's weird witnessing yourself care less and less about everything. Some days I feel a marked shift towards the grave.

Yet, at the same time, there's a level I feel I can't dip below. I need to financially sustain myself so that my parents don't get burdened and don't give me a whole load of shit. So- that means working, which means remaining fit enough to work. I let all else that I can lapse until I feel pressured to do it.

My reason for lingering is because I want to wait for my Dad to go first. He's the last remaining person I feel like my suicide would deeply affect. It's a weird limbo, waiting stage. It's really just treading water now. Still making the effort not to drown. Still making the effort not to ask for help from others. A very bizarre feeling though.

An increasingly resentful feeling unfortunately seeing as life and all else that came with it feels like such an imposition now. One that I still feel obliged to suffer for the same person who gave me the problem(s) to begin with.

I think the irony is weird. Many of us are doing all we can to protect the people (our parents) from the same harm and grief they knowingly gave to us. They would have known too- if they'd given it 5 minutes thought. They expect us to cope with their deaths but apparently, they won't be able to cope with ours. I don't really get how they call that love even.

I'm lingering just because the same as you: waiting for a loved one go first (my mom, in the case). It is funny cause i don't really think that i love her that way, idk, i just care about her psychological for some reason, i don't want to cause her suffering after my death, and she didn't think about that when had had me lol (my english is a shit, im sorry). Now im here agozing in life haha, damn this is too much to handle...
Anyway, i hope u can find some relief in all this shit, maybe there may be something that can help you to get a little out of this, a music? a movie? a hobby? a person? or even something that brings you back to the world but by another way like deepening into a topic of your interest.
Well, idk wth im talking about right now, im so sorry lol. Just want to make u feel, who knows, ur not alone in this situation, if i was there i'd problably appreciate to help you and be a good company. And, well, if a day comes when you end up ctb, i hope u do that with the certain it will be for your own well-being, nothing more. Take care.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm lingering just because the same as you: waiting for a loved one go first (my mom, in the case). It is funny cause i don't really think that i love her that way, idk, i just care about her psychological for some reason, i don't want to cause her suffering after my death, and she didn't think about that when had had me lol (my english is a shit, im sorry). Now im here agozing in life haha, damn this is too much to handle...
Anyway, i hope u can find some relief in all this shit, maybe there may be something that can help you to get a little out of this, a music? a movie? a hobby? a person? or even something that brings you back to the world but by another way like deepening into a topic of your interest.
Well, idk wth im talking about right now, im so sorry lol. Just want to make u feel, who knows, ur not alone in this situation, if i was there i'd problably appreciate to help you and be a good company. And, well, if a day comes when you end up ctb, i hope u do that with the certain it will be for your own well-being, nothing more. Take care.

Thank you for your very kind message. I'm definitely leaning on the things you mentioned- films, music etc. to get me through. Not sure if this is also your experience too but- they help certainly but, they're not enough to make life worthwhile.

I aprreciate your message though. We're certainly not alone here, holding on for others. So yes, it's a sort of support to know that.

It is ironic I think too- that we're so concerned about our parents psychological well being. I also wonder comparitively how long people spend contemplating how their suicides might affect others. I wonder if the same care and thought is put into bringing a child here. Whether they even consider the risk that things could be so bad for that child that they may end up contemplating suicide. I wish you all the best under the circumstances.

 

[Bntep]

Thank you for your very kind message. I'm definitely leaning on the things you mentioned- films, music etc. to get me through. Not sure if this is also your experience too but- they help certainly but, they're not enough to make life worthwhile.

I aprreciate your message though. We're certainly not alone here, holding on for others. So yes, it's a sort of support to know that.

It is ironic I think too- that we're so concerned about our parents psychological well being. I also wonder comparitively how long people spend contemplating how their suicides might affect others. I wonder if the same care and thought is put into bringing a child here. Whether they even consider the risk that things could be so bad for that child that they may end up contemplating suicide. I wish you all the best under the circumstances.

It is something that rlly upset (upsets?) me, parents not thinking that bringing a child to the world can cause such a suffering to the point they can not handle their life anymore :/. Well, at least i will not do so with any life, so it comforts me a little, to know that anything i'm gonna do it will just relief others pain, not cause it.
By the way, thank u for ur appreciating :D, and it is rlly good to know there is another people like you being concerned about others well being and the impact of their actions on them, i wish people at all was like that :/.
But, well.. unfortunately i don't have anything like that to lean on, have a bad time trying to enjoy cultural activities (i include listening to music and watching movies in that) and deepening into a hobby :/, so life gets even more "boring" for me lol. I'm trying to change it over time, but for the reasons i've told in the first post, it is being pretty challenging.