There is something inside me that wants me dead

[Lost Magic]

Every time I wake up I have an existential crisis and something deep in my core is telling me that I don't and shouldn't be here. I think it will eventually be so strong that I'll be able to overcome my survival instinct because that's the only thing that keeps me living at the moment. Well, I do have a new electric bike that I will use in the warmer weather (but that is just a form of temporary escape for me). I haven't posted for a while because I don't want to sound too repetitive or redundant, but this burning feeling of not wanting to be here is getting stronger every year that passes. Hopefully, this feeling will continue and I can use it to my benefit along with some tablets to get the fuck out of this world for good.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

That is the worst part about aging with suicidality. It gets exponentially worse every year. Like being wrapped by boa constrictor. Every time you breathe, the vice grip gets tighter and tighter. At age 28, when I made my first CTB attempt, I thought it couldn't get any worse for me. Now I'm 44 and being suicidal feels like a feverish terminal illness. I'm just waiting on my parents to pass away. At least my father. I don't want to outlive them and traumtize them with something of this magnitude at their age. Once they're gone, the doors to the bus will be wide open for me. My siblings are just going to have to cope.

 

[migimortis]

When the psychological pain gets to a certain threshold I imagine it would produce a physical response similar to any other type of physical pain, reason goes out the window, the mind and body just want the pain to stop.

 

[DeadHead]

Those thoughts may not be your own. Check out the work of jerry marzinsky.

 

[onemorenight]

When the psychological pain gets to a certain threshold I imagine it would produce a physical response similar to any other type of physical pain, reason goes out the window, the mind and body just want the pain to stop.

Yep. You lose all will. SI isn't a problem. I've walked outside in the cold, wearing next to nothing, and laid down in the snow. I felt nothing. No need to go back inside. No need to get up. I could've stayed there forever if I wanted to.

I've only been that numb a handful of times, including rn. I'm very grateful for it. Takes away the fear/anxiety/worries of regret. It just becomes.. calm.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for, best wishes.

 

[Lost Magic]

That is the worst part about aging with suicidality. It gets exponentially worse every year. Like being wrapped by boa constrictor. Every time you breathe, the vice grip gets tighter and tighter. At age 28, when I made my first CTB attempt, I thought it couldn't get any worse for me. Now I'm 44 and being suicidal feels like a feverish terminal illness. I'm just waiting on my parents to pass away. At least my father. I don't want to outlive them and traumtize them with something of this magnitude at their age. Once they're gone, the doors to the bus will be wide open for me. My siblings are just going to have to cope.

I never thought about it that way, but that's a good way of putting it. It does feel like a progressively stronger vice grip every passing year.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

That is the worst part about aging with suicidality. It gets exponentially worse every year. Like being wrapped by boa constrictor. Every time you breathe, the vice grip gets tighter and tighter. At age 28, when I made my first CTB attempt, I thought it couldn't get any worse for me. Now I'm 44 and being suicidal feels like a feverish terminal illness. I'm just waiting on my parents to pass away. At least my father. I don't want to outlive them and traumtize them with something of this magnitude at their age. Once they're gone, the doors to the bus will be wide open for me. My siblings are just going to have to cope.

Thank you for sharing your impressions and thoughts. I identified a lot with what I read.

I'm 35 and my parents are over 80... I don't want to hurt them. I believe that my death could kill them emotionally, considering that I am the only person who supports them.

and that's what keeps me alive. help them.

my first CTB attempt was when I was 15 years old. for the last 20 years I wake up with the pain and weight of being here, it's a disappointment when I open my eyes.

There are times when it's worse. My last few months have been difficult, I tried CTB again and failed.

 

[walkingdead2023]

Hearing voices telling to hurt yourself or you don't belong here is hallucination could be associated with schizophrenia! It's not normal to feel and hear that it's mental illness! Being suicidal is mental illness. We all here are mentally ill because whatever we do it's not going to help remove this kind of illness! That's why I rather die I'm just wasting my time everyday I know I'm going to Kim's sooner than I thought

 

[F@#$]

I'm basically in the same boat. I'm blown away how many posts written by others mirror my feelings almost identically.