There is no going back, is there?

[Whole-Ad]

I think that once you start thinking like this, you can't ever go back to how you were. I'm not me anymore. I've planned out my suicide and I believe I'm only going to have another month or two to live. But even if I did change my mind, I'm never going to go back to how I was.

The thought of suicide will always be in my mind, now that I've attempted and have planned it before. It's like a backup plan and no matter how hard you try to get better it's always going to be there. Anything that you find is too difficult to deal with, the brain immediately says well hey you could just kill yourself remember?

If there's no way to go back to how I was then I don't want to continue living like this.

 

[WornOutLife]

You've got an interesting point there.
I'm in recovery now, doing my best to live and it seems to be working.

HOWEVER, suicide is still on my mind. As soon as things get tough, I immediately think: "Well, I can always ctb"

I think the only option we have is "embrace" suicide. Accept it will always be part of us and try to supress it as much as we can so as to live a normal life because, if we think about ctb 24/7, we'll just end up becoming more depressed and life will get more fucked up than before.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I think it depends on the person. It's like I told my friends, some people only need therapy and they'll be fine, but me... I can feel it. I need medication.

 

[EraseRewind]

I've always had this mindset I guess so I agree with you, as much as I've tried to leave suicide behind it eventually catches me up again. I wrote my first note at age 8, my first attempt at 18 and my last at 46. I've managed to live a reasonable life along the way too, with the help of alcohol abuse and drug abuse.

I quit my drinking nearly 6 years ago so I have no where to hide and ctb is never off my mind, lockdown has made things so much worse. I missed a window of opportunity last year but I'm hoping once June is ended I won't be far behind. I've damaged myself through poorly planned attempts to ctb so I'm going to be careful this time.

I deserve it.

 

[rotten]

It definitely seems that way for a lot of people. I became depressed at age 11 and by the time I was 12 I knew I wanted to die. My high school years were my lowest. That's when I came closest to ctb, but unfortunately I was saved. I know that whole experience changed me. I still think about ctb every single day years later. I guess it's just part of who I am now.

 

[PsychosisGirls]

I find it comforting, more than anything. Sure you could just kill yourself anytime, but for me it's more of a "hey, that pain you went through? never again."

It's still not an option I take lightly, but I feel so much better knowing it's there.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I'm only suicidal because of my health.

If it returns, I can more or less function.

I'm not a suicidal person by nature. Always optimistic. Generally forward thinking. I don't have any trauma, mental illness, or trouble socializing.

I'm really just an ordinary person who had a very fulfilling life, struck down by illness.

And I'm trying some things to return back to a functioning level. There are some things I won't accept. I need to have certain parts of my health back to function.

The side effects of my medication have worn off so I'm not in a perpetual state of anxiety. Except in the mornings.

I was a very calm individual before. Very calm.

So we'll see.

I'm not optimistic. I think my health will basically stay as it is. But we'll see.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

No unfortunately there is no way of going back! If there was l'd give whatever life l've got left just to have one week back as it was 30years ago! I was happy, l had a job, l had a car, l was in love,l was loved,l had a secure future, l had money, l had my parents and family! Now l have Nothing! I served my country with distinction ready to lay down my life for her and l got Nowt but a bullet in the shoulder a bullet in the leg. Stabbed in the arm and then dumped back on sheepy street without being told how to switch it off (The Instinct) Only my Dog keeps me breathing! NO-Theres no going back!!!

 

[Sensei]

You can't unthink the thought that suicide is an option, but you can move it to the back of your mind. I believe it can be used as an asset when in recovery: it makes you relax and not worry so much when you know that there's always a way out if things go to hell.

 

[Hurt]

There's no going back at least for me. By the way I wish everyone here could go back to their normal lives.

 

[MG_39]

I'm only suicidal because of my health.

If it returns, I can more or less function.

I'm not a suicidal person by nature. Always optimistic. Generally forward thinking. I don't have any trauma, mental illness, or trouble socializing.

I'm really just an ordinary person who had a very fulfilling life, struck down by illness.

And I'm trying some things to return back to a functioning level. There are some things I won't accept. I need to have certain parts of my health back to function.

The side effects of my medication have worn off so I'm not in a perpetual state of anxiety. Except in the mornings.

I was a very calm individual before. Very calm.

So we'll see.

I'm not optimistic. I think my health will basically stay as it is. But we'll see.

Same here, if I could get my health back on a level where I could cope with it, I would enjoy life. But I would certainly still think about it sometimes, like it would be nice to have a peaceful certain way out if my health would decline again when I get older. Now I will most likely not get my health back, but I keep fighting as long as I can.

 

[Busticket]

I think that once you start thinking like this, you can't ever go back to how you were. I'm not me anymore. I've planned out my suicide and I believe I'm only going to have another month or two to live. But even if I did change my mind, I'm never going to go back to how I was.

The thought of suicide will always be in my mind, now that I've attempted and have planned it before. It's like a backup plan and no matter how hard you try to get better it's always going to be there. Anything that you find is too difficult to deal with, the brain immediately says well hey you could just kill yourself remember?

If there's no way to go back to how I was then I don't want to continue living like this.

As much as I hate it I have to agree with you in my case.
There really is no turning back for me I feel like.
I will never be the same I think.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I agree. To me suicide is an escape, it is a way to gain control over whatever pain life has put upon me. It comforts me knowing that no matter how bad things get there is always an option to leave even know it is hard to die. You also cannot erase memories so even if you try and recover, if you get in crisis again your mind will shift to suicide even without noticing because you have been there before. Life has never been for me and these thoughts are wired into my brain.

 

[Whole-Ad]

I'm currently in a psych ward now on a section 3 and I don't want to be in here (obviously) but I'm trying not be totally negative about this experience, and instead just at least try to get back to normal. But this is still a heavy thought in my head. Nothing will ever be the same and if I can't go back to how I was then I don't want to be here anymore.