There is no escape

[Enga]

I don't understand what to do with this life. I don't care about anything, I have no interest in anything, I don't want anything.
Death was my only escape from this hell.
But I tried and failed and I can't force myself to do it again.
So that's it. I can't live and I can't die. It's a god damn prison. I can't get out of it.

 

[LackingLuster]

I don't understand what to do with this life. I don't care about anything, I have no interest in anything, I don't want anything.
Death was my only escape from this hell.
But I tried and failed and I can't force myself to do it again.
So that's it. I can't live and I can't die. It's a god damn prison. I can't get out of it.

How did you try, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Linda]

I don't understand what to do with this life. I don't care about anything, I have no interest in anything, I don't want anything.
Death was my only escape from this hell.
But I tried and failed and I can't force myself to do it again.
So that's it. I can't live and I can't die. It's a god damn prison. I can't get out of it.

You mentioned, in another post, that you used to spend a lot of mony on hookers "to imitate feelings". Some prostitutes (by no means all) are very empathic, and might be able to help you with your problems. It would be an unconventional way of getting some kind of therapy, but it just might work. Find one girl you can relate to well, and who seems empathic and well balanced, see her regularly (and only her), explain your problem, and see if she can help.
If you don't want to do that, or if you try it and it doesn't help, you could try conventional therapy. That might help you figure out the source of your problems, which would be the first step towards fixing them.
Good luck.

 

[UmbraDweller]

I feel the same about life. But there is escape. It will all end one day. If not by your own hand, then by itself.

 

[Enga]

How did you try, if you don't mind me asking?

Last time was with partial hanging.

You mentioned, in another post, that you used to spend a lot of mony on hookers "to imitate feelings". Some prostitutes (by no means all) are very empathic, and might be able to help you with your problems.

Yeah, I know. It kinda worked. There was one girl I met regularly for 5 years and other one for 8. Sounds weird, but I felt better around them.
But they quit and I don't want to search for a new one. I don't actually want to talk to anyone. I don't think they would help anymore.
I want to try therapy as the last resort. I don't have anything else left. But what's the point if I need to lie to them about me wanting to kill myself? You can't tell them that or they lock you up.

I feel the same about life. But there is escape. It will all end one day. If not by your own hand, then by itself.

It feels like waiting in a queue with a full bladder.

 

[Linda]

Last time was with partial hanging.

Yeah, I know. It kinda worked. There was one girl I met regularly for 5 years and other one for 8. Sounds weird, but I felt better around them.
But they quit and I don't want to search for a new one. I don't actually want to talk to anyone. I don't think they would help anymore.
I want to try therapy as the last resort. I don't have anything else left. But what's the point if I need to lie to them about me wanting to kill myself? You can't tell them that or they lock you up.

The way to deal with the risk of being locked up is to remember the difficult situation that therapists are in. (My nephew is a psychiatrist, and he explained it to me.) If you tell them you are suicidal, they don't lock you up, and you later ctb, they risk getting sued by your relatives. So you have to give them some cover. You have to get them to understand that you are suicidal without actually saying you are suicidal, so that if necessary they can deny having any knowledge of it.
You could tell them that you are not suicidal yet, but if you can't fix your problems you imagine it won't be very long before you are. A good therapist will recognise that as a coded message.

 

[Enga]

The way to deal with the risk of being locked up is to remember the difficult situation that therapists are in. (My nephew is a psychiatrist, and he explained it to me.) If you tell them you are suicidal, they don't lock you up, and you later ctb, they risk getting sued by your relatives. So you have to give them some cover. You have to get them to understand that you are suicidal without actually saying you are suicidal, so that if necessary they can deny having any knowledge of it.
You could tell them that you are not suicidal yet, but if you can't fix your problems you imagine it won't be very long before you are. A good therapist will recognise that as a coded message.

I understand, but it feels kinda wrong, you know. Like, you are supposed to trust the therapist but you start your interaction with him with a net of lies.
I guess I can try it. I'll tell him that I am not interested in anything, and I don't want anything. And see what happens.

 

[Linda]

I understand, but it feels kinda wrong, you know. Like, you are supposed to trust the therapist but you start your interaction with him with a net of lies.
I guess I can try it. I'll tell him that I am not interested in anything, and I don't want anything. And see what happens.

Think of it as a coded message, not a lie. A good therapist will know what you really mean, and why you prefer not to state it openly. It's the only thing you don't have to be completely honest about.

 

[jbear824]

"I can't live and I can't die"

This touched my core because that is EXACTLY how I feel. Like prison and therapists are just there to get to ignore that you're in a prison. It's maddening.

 

[LackingLuster]

Last time was with partial hanging.

Yeah, I know. It kinda worked. There was one girl I met regularly for 5 years and other one for 8. Sounds weird, but I felt better around them.
But they quit and I don't want to search for a new one. I don't actually want to talk to anyone. I don't think they would help anymore.
I want to try therapy as the last resort. I don't have anything else left. But what's the point if I need to lie to them about me wanting to kill myself? You can't tell them that or they lock you up.

It feels like waiting in a queue with a full bladder.

Hanging is brutal. I've tried unsuccessfully several times. I've yet to make it very far. Definitely not an easy option. I get your issue with therapy. It'd be relieving if you could tell a doctor yes, I often think about killing myself without them locking you up. I mean clearly if you're talking to them you're seeking help. And how can they help if you can't be honest with them? Seems to defeat the purpose. I mean isn't that one of the reasons they prescribe antidepressants and such? What are you supposed to say "I'm just really sad all the time"? Makes no sense.