dragonofenvy
Mage
- Oct 8, 2023
- 564
When I was 17, 5 years ago, I went to my 4th therapist after finally convincing my parents again that I was having problems still. I told the therapist during the first session that I was having suicidal thoughts since I wanted help to be better. I didn't want to spend the last year of high school miserable like I had for the past decade or so. Clearly, this therapist hadn't ever handled a suicidal person before since they called the police immediately. Great.
A police officer arrived, and I knew him. It was one of my dad's friends (my father was a police officer). Guy knew who I was too. Wonderful, now I'm bringing shame to my family. He asked why he was called and the therapist looked towards the ground and didn't say anything. Now I had to explain why she called him. He tried questioning the therapist but she wasn't very responsive. The officer wasn't pleased by this. Eventually, paramedics arrived and asked why they were called. I had to explain why they were called. The paramedics glared at the therapist. I was gently escorted to the ambulance, and then to the ER. I was told that I was going to be admitted to a psychiatric ward. I didn't speak once during this entire process because fuck autonomy.
The ward wasn't bad. It was a juvenile ward. The other patients were pretty cool and treated me well which was a bit of a shock since I've never been treated... well, decently by other kids before. We got to go outside a bit each day, and we'd have what was basically a gym glass, art class, yoga class, and a psychology class. They were teaching us how to cope with being suicidal, but the thought hit me: "We're not being taught how to fix our lives, we're being taught how to cope forever."
I spent 30 days there, thankfully it wasn't during the school year or I'd have been screwed. No amount of yoga, art, exercise, or knowledge that we learned there was enough to dissuade my hopelessness. My parents assumed that I would be magically fixed after spending a month there. I wasn't. They weren't pleased. They decided to give me the bill for the ambulance ride and 30-day stay. If I remember correctly it was about $24,000, and that's after insurance covered much of the expenses. America moment. All of those 30-hour work weeks while also being in school at a minimum-wage job... gone. No more going to a nice four-year school to help propel my future! All of those college classes that I took in high school were worthless! I eventually went to a much cheaper school, but by then irreparable damage had been done to my psyche.
It's not even the cost that screwed me up the most, and let's not be mistaken, that really fucked up my future. It was just the fact that the whole time we were learning to just... cope. It made me feel even more hopeless, that I spent a month of my life in a ward and came out even worse. I would spend my last year in high school dejected, desperately trying to work as many hours at my minimum wage job as I could just so I could maybe go to a cheap university. What little trust I had in people who were supposed to help me vanished. My suffering was to be profited from by the American health industry. I finally learned that I was truly alone in my pain.
I've thought recently about trying to go do therapy again, but between the lack of health insurance and poor pay, and the treatment I've received... I just don't think they're there to help you. They've taught me that I can't be helped and that I should just cope. The only reason for me to go to therapy is to just pay someone $120 per week (25% of my income btw) to talk to about how shitty everything is because I have literally nobody in my life to talk to. I have no family and not a single friend. This forum, as sad as it sounds, is all I have now. Like what's the worst thing someone's gonna do, think that I'm a loser while reading a post, and go click something else? That's perfectly fine by me and honestly; it's an improvement over the professional treatments I've gotten. Outside of SS if I'm not outright dismissed entirely I'm expected to think that my life isn't that bad and that I just need to cope, oh also here's the bill. Wow, thanks for your so-called "professional" treatment...
I wish I could just think of a method already.
A police officer arrived, and I knew him. It was one of my dad's friends (my father was a police officer). Guy knew who I was too. Wonderful, now I'm bringing shame to my family. He asked why he was called and the therapist looked towards the ground and didn't say anything. Now I had to explain why she called him. He tried questioning the therapist but she wasn't very responsive. The officer wasn't pleased by this. Eventually, paramedics arrived and asked why they were called. I had to explain why they were called. The paramedics glared at the therapist. I was gently escorted to the ambulance, and then to the ER. I was told that I was going to be admitted to a psychiatric ward. I didn't speak once during this entire process because fuck autonomy.
The ward wasn't bad. It was a juvenile ward. The other patients were pretty cool and treated me well which was a bit of a shock since I've never been treated... well, decently by other kids before. We got to go outside a bit each day, and we'd have what was basically a gym glass, art class, yoga class, and a psychology class. They were teaching us how to cope with being suicidal, but the thought hit me: "We're not being taught how to fix our lives, we're being taught how to cope forever."
I spent 30 days there, thankfully it wasn't during the school year or I'd have been screwed. No amount of yoga, art, exercise, or knowledge that we learned there was enough to dissuade my hopelessness. My parents assumed that I would be magically fixed after spending a month there. I wasn't. They weren't pleased. They decided to give me the bill for the ambulance ride and 30-day stay. If I remember correctly it was about $24,000, and that's after insurance covered much of the expenses. America moment. All of those 30-hour work weeks while also being in school at a minimum-wage job... gone. No more going to a nice four-year school to help propel my future! All of those college classes that I took in high school were worthless! I eventually went to a much cheaper school, but by then irreparable damage had been done to my psyche.
It's not even the cost that screwed me up the most, and let's not be mistaken, that really fucked up my future. It was just the fact that the whole time we were learning to just... cope. It made me feel even more hopeless, that I spent a month of my life in a ward and came out even worse. I would spend my last year in high school dejected, desperately trying to work as many hours at my minimum wage job as I could just so I could maybe go to a cheap university. What little trust I had in people who were supposed to help me vanished. My suffering was to be profited from by the American health industry. I finally learned that I was truly alone in my pain.
I've thought recently about trying to go do therapy again, but between the lack of health insurance and poor pay, and the treatment I've received... I just don't think they're there to help you. They've taught me that I can't be helped and that I should just cope. The only reason for me to go to therapy is to just pay someone $120 per week (25% of my income btw) to talk to about how shitty everything is because I have literally nobody in my life to talk to. I have no family and not a single friend. This forum, as sad as it sounds, is all I have now. Like what's the worst thing someone's gonna do, think that I'm a loser while reading a post, and go click something else? That's perfectly fine by me and honestly; it's an improvement over the professional treatments I've gotten. Outside of SS if I'm not outright dismissed entirely I'm expected to think that my life isn't that bad and that I just need to cope, oh also here's the bill. Wow, thanks for your so-called "professional" treatment...
I wish I could just think of a method already.
