N33dT0D13
Xe/It
- Apr 2, 2023
- 191
Three sessions in so not at all coming from a grounded or informed or logical place, I just feel guilty, I don't know if any one person is worth all of this effort and I'm not curing cancer or anything, I am worthless in the long run, why drag all these people in my life down by making them worry about me and have to navigate my shitty emotions when I could literally just be dead instead... I get so guilty when people don't hate me. I know I don't suffer more than anyone else, I don't suffer enough frankly to warrant any of my feelings or behaviors, I need to be destroyed, I can't keep burdening people like I have been...
I feel bad my best friend worries about me cuz now I guaranteed can't disappear and never be heard from again or else he'll be sad but if he doesn't know it was a suicide... He might assume so anyway cuz I constantly talk about wanting to kill myself lmao
but also he talks about maybe being a benign sociopath and having limited emotions and no emotional empathy (not to imply anything bad about him, he has plenty of cognitive empathy and is super nice) so he'd get over it quicker than most people, right? I can't ask him that cuz it would probs upset him and he deserves better than that but he'd move on! And he's the person who arguably cares about me the most so it'd be fine... That feels selfish, I don't want to take me from him I guess, I just know he's better off without me, as is everyone, I'm nowhere near good or even decent enough to be worth this effort.
I know I'm a bad friend. I know I'm obnoxious and piss people off when I speak even if they don't say it, and I know that reflects badly on me because I'm being obnoxious. I know I deserve to suffer and be hated, I feel guilty I've duped certain people into believing otherwise. I am a parasite. I need to be destroyed. The only people who "care" only do so because 1. they are nice caring people in general 2. they want fuck me or 3. they get paid to "care", it is impossible to just care about me because I don't let anyone because I know it's impossible because I'm impossible because I can't stop playing victim and being stubborn and annoying, I need to die, I need to get murdered, as an expression of how horrible and annoying I am, I NEED TO, I MUST DIE AND IT MUST HURT, I NEED TO HURT, NEED IT NEED IT NEED IT
I feel bad my best friend worries about me cuz now I guaranteed can't disappear and never be heard from again or else he'll be sad but if he doesn't know it was a suicide... He might assume so anyway cuz I constantly talk about wanting to kill myself lmao
but also he talks about maybe being a benign sociopath and having limited emotions and no emotional empathy (not to imply anything bad about him, he has plenty of cognitive empathy and is super nice) so he'd get over it quicker than most people, right? I can't ask him that cuz it would probs upset him and he deserves better than that but he'd move on! And he's the person who arguably cares about me the most so it'd be fine... That feels selfish, I don't want to take me from him I guess, I just know he's better off without me, as is everyone, I'm nowhere near good or even decent enough to be worth this effort.
I know I'm a bad friend. I know I'm obnoxious and piss people off when I speak even if they don't say it, and I know that reflects badly on me because I'm being obnoxious. I know I deserve to suffer and be hated, I feel guilty I've duped certain people into believing otherwise. I am a parasite. I need to be destroyed. The only people who "care" only do so because 1. they are nice caring people in general 2. they want fuck me or 3. they get paid to "care", it is impossible to just care about me because I don't let anyone because I know it's impossible because I'm impossible because I can't stop playing victim and being stubborn and annoying, I need to die, I need to get murdered, as an expression of how horrible and annoying I am, I NEED TO, I MUST DIE AND IT MUST HURT, I NEED TO HURT, NEED IT NEED IT NEED IT
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