Therapist trying to guilt tripping me for suicide

[noname223]

Today I talked a lot about my suicidality with him. I told him I was planning my suicide last week but now I have stabilized a little bit. He tried to make me feel guilty if I ctb. I should imagine how my family, friends and professionals will feel when I am dead. I did not want to show that I think that this not the first priority in my opinion. I played his game. I let him win the discussion in reality I am way more pessimistic and the situation is far more hopeless. However I don't want him to give me up. He wanted me to imagine my last minutes before suicide how awful that must feel and that I might will miss out something positive. I had way better arguments why suicide might be the right solution for me. (Because my life is tormenting me and its maybe the least bad decision) But as I said if I tell him I am pretty sure I am going to ctb and there is nothing that will stop me he might stop therapy. This happened to me twice.
It was kind of awkward and depressing. Nevertheless at least I can talk with someone about my daily struggle.

 

[FuneralCry]

Guilt tripping is often done by people who aren't suicidal themselves, so they can never understand the pain you are in. It's why I would personally never tell anyone. I do understand why you don't want to let go of the therapist, just having someone there to talk to can help I guess.

 

[Pookie]

I'm trying to see this from both sides. I can understand if a therapist no longer wants to treat a patient who wants to ctb all the time despite all treatments tried and/or interventions. Any good therapist wants to help, and if they can't help you, then what's the point in seeing you? You are then basically treatment resistant. I can understand that it must be very frustrating for the therapist and they have every right to discontinue seeing their patients, especially if they're not making any progress with their patients or if they have abusive patients. They're only human after all.

On the other hand, any good therapist shouldn't make you feel guilty for thinking about suicide. They should be more understanding and try to get to the bottom of why you feel the need to ctb.

I survived a serious suicide attempt and a near suicide attempt and on both occasions neither psychiatrists tried to make me feel guilty for attempting suicide or for having suicidal ideations. Instead they just asked me a lot of questions about why I felt that way and what brought me to that point.

 

[LastFlowers]

Guilt tripping is often done by people who aren't suicidal themselves, so they can never understand the pain you are in. It's why I would personally never tell anyone. I do understand why you don't want to let go of the therapist, just having someone there to talk to can help I guess.

I remember my mother once told me "oh I don't even want to hear it, that would be awful to your siblings, they wouldn't have a sister, etc"

Excuse me?
They seem more than fine with the fact that I've basically had to wipe myself off the planet while still technically breathing, they have shown zero interest in me as a person and a total lack of concern with the type of hell I deal with.
They already have surrogates for my position in the family.
The only thing they don't have, is their source of schadenfreude they would glean from my presence.
I could have been dead for the past 5 or so years or more, and they wouldn't even realize it unless someone went out of their way to tell them!
If I don't make myself known to them in some small manner, I am out of sight, out of mind.
They have made it clear, more times than once, that I am an embarrassment.
..So idk WHERE that comment came from,
she knows they don't even ask about me, it's like she only cares about keeping me alive to serve the other family members (and their reputations) that she actually does give a shit about.

It's just disturbingly incredible that people in our positions will get the guilt trip, but not the other people neglecting us!?

She has never once cried about me or my pain, not once.
I've seen her cry about very few things, or close to crying..and the last time it happened it was a similar situation of being upset about what I could have offered others if I wasn't in this position.
She told me (not quite verbatim because my memory..)- "I know if things were different, you would be the first one to be there for your cousins and siblings, I know you would do anything for them and would push for a close relationship, and that's one of the things that makes me sad, that they can't have that from you."
She worded it a bit worse than that and the teariness I heard over the phone- which was not present for any other part of the conversation-really threw me!
That is what makes you sad!? THEM!?
Where the fuck have THEY been for ME!?
All this time..
At least I have a damn excuse!
And more than one damn good reason.

So it's all about me being a pathetic maid to break my back offering my love and concern to people who don't need even a fraction of what I need? Nice.
I am starving over here and she wants me to pat the full bellies of my blood, and their ilk.
She would rather me be a jester to the King, than dead.
Especially insulting in the context of my long list of back and forths I have had with her, in which she has been a cold brick wall, so where her brain decides to suddenly bring forth emotion is fucked up, makes zero sense, compassion wise.
This is the same person who has stared me down and threatened to abandon me while I was on my knees, sobbing and pleading and choking on my own cries until my throat busted and I could not see out of my inflamed, swollen eyes.

I have realized that she doesn't actually want the best for me, nobody in this family does, and especially not anyone else trying to claw their way into it.
They just want me to appear happy despite the reality of living in shit.
(Therapists are paid strangers, so if my own family doesn't give a proper damn about me, then a therapist will never be much better.
I've already learned the hard way with them too.)
I am so afraid to incur brain damage because I strongly suspect my wishes would not be granted, my requests and dignity would not be respected..they would never treat me like they treat others and themselves, they would surely ignore the fact that I know what's best for myself, choosing to believe they know better, despite never living a single second in my shoes. The possible humiliation..I cannot bear the thought!
Honestly, I hate them all.
I wish I could just disappear, with the snap of my fingers, have every trace of me vanish from the face of the earth and evaporate from the minds of those who retain a false image of who and what I am.

Anyway, sorry to the OP for my random rant, I think it's vile for a therapist to go that far with guilt tripping, your sessions are supposed to be about what's best for you, not other people.
I hate to say it but he probably just doesn't want to lose a paycheck or have it be known that one of his patients killed themselves, bad for business.
We can't be honest with these people, it is only to our detriment if we try.

 

[motel rooms]

I think that therapists who do that either don't know what they're doing or they know that there's nothing else they could do

 

[Whale_bones]

I'm trying to see this from both sides. I can understand if a therapist no longer wants to treat a patient who wants to ctb all the time despite all treatments tried and/or interventions. Any good therapist wants to help, and if they can't help you, then what's the point in seeing you?

I currently have a long-term therapist who I can be 100% honest with. He knows I am chronically suicidal, that I have been since childhood, and that I very likely always will be; it has never been "cured" in 17 years of mental health treatment. My quality of life is very low, I have severe health conditions both mental and physical, and this is just the reality I live with.

With all that said, my therapist helps me SO, so much. I have to be alive through every day that passes, and having someone who is validating and compassionate to talk to, someone that fully respects my privacy and I can completely trust, is invaluable.

Therapy is not supposed to be all about fixing; it's supposed to be individualized to what helps the client. For some people, that *is* fixing temporary situations that have a potential solution. For others, the counselor acknowledges that the client has permanent situations in their life that can't be changed, and focuses on supporting them mentally without needing a fix.

I have definitely seen counselors who only want to focus on "fixing", who sugarcoat things and avoid talking about subjects they consider too dark, and who even outright deny my experiences because they will not accept that some things in life can't be made "okay". That's such an invalidating, destructive experience and it's the opposite of what therapy is supposed to be.

To the OP, I am really sorry your therapist talked to you this way. It is absolutely not what a therapist should be doing; they're there for you to talk about anything with, but *especially* things that are hard to talk about and that might be stigmatized or judged by others. I would recommend you start looking for a new counselor if you are able to, as anyone who is like me and you that experiences urges for suicide needs to have a good counselor that they can trust, one who is compassionate and never shies away from talking about the dark stuff. That's what they're supposed to be there for, after all!

 

[Pookie]

Great that your therapist is still able to help you despite you wanting to ctb every day. But some people don't feel they get any benefit from talking about it, and end up committing suicide anyway.

I agree with you that the aim of therapy is not all about "fixing". In my opinion nobody can be completely fixed. We are all imperfect and we are all "damaged" to varying degrees. Oftentimes it's just about being validated and feeling heard by your therapist that's helpful. That said, psychology/psychiatry are helping professions, and unfortunately some people can't be helped/are treatment resistant. We are all different.

No psychiatrist or psychologist is able to help me unfortunately. I often suffer from episodes of extreme relentless pain to the point that I would rather kill myself than to endure the pain. This makes my depression situational. Take my pain away, and I will no longer feel suicidal. In that regard, I would benefit more from a professional pain management team than psychiatric treatment. I'm sure there are people in my situation who would benefit from coping mechanisms, but when my pain is relentless and an 8/10 and not even morphine is working, I can't even think. I've tried everything - mindfulness, CBT, counselling, antidepressants, you name it.

I know for a fact that there are therapists who refuse to treat individuals with narcissistic and anti-social personality disorder for example. Firstly, many of them don't present for treatment because they don't think they have a problem. Instead, they blame their problems on everyone else. If they do present for treatment, it's usually by court order. In many cases, psychological treatment has actually shown to WORSEN their PD. It just teaches them to become more manipulative and interpersonally exploitative. I fully understand why some therapists refuse to work with such clients.

 

[Whale_bones]

@Pookie- I definitely wasn't talking about anyone who has narcissistic personality disorder, anyone who is abusive or threatening to a counselor, or anything remotely along those lines. Any abuse towards a counselor is unacceptable and that's an entirely different situation than a counselor seeing someone like me, who has never been violent or threatening to a counselor in any way, while knowing I have intractable depression and suicidality. The OP made no mention of anything that would make me think they're abusive toward therapists either, so I didn't go into that subject in my comment because the situation is very different if that is even a possibility.

My reply was to the part of your post that I quoted, so I also wasn't referring to the section of people who don't want therapy and/or find therapy useless. I don't invalidate that at all as that is also another topic in itself. I was just talking about two different approaches to therapy; one which requires fixing situational things, and one which accepts that some situations are permanent and has other therapeutic goals. As I said, the fixing type is certainly valid for the people that it's the right type for. For me personally, it's not, and I have a counselor with an entirely different style that does not try to fix things that can't be fixed. Of course, he helps me navigate temporary situations that *can* be changed or fixed, but he is in no denial that there are permanent situations in my life.

One of those is physical pain, and a previous therapist who had the "fixing" mentality would focus on telling me to have a positive attitude, change how I view the pain, think good thoughts, etc. As you say yourself, when the pain is at a certain level that is not possible. It's going to make me suicidal at times when it's excruciating and that is just a blatant reality. Being told that I can just reprogram my mind to ignore the pain, as if I'm a robot that is capable of that, is not helpful for me. My current therapist accepts the reality that some things *will* make me feel suicidal and doesn't try to deny it or pretend it's anything other than it is. We accept that this situation is shit and move on to the next step of surviving it. Of course, if the pain can be fixed then that should be what happens, like you mention in your situation; in my situation it is very unlikely my pain will be lowered. I am not at all saying our situations and outcomes are the same, I am mentioning this example because we can both relate to a level of pain that causes suicidality (for which I am sorry for).

Counseling for me is much more than just simple talking, but all of that goes into many things that are too personal to write on a forum. I am committed to enduring life for now because I am a parent to a young child, and because of my duty to him I must try my hardest to endure whatever comes. This is my own personal commitment and I speak only of myself here; it's completely separate from any judgment of other people. I'm just giving my experience as another side because there are other people like me out there, who have long-term suicidality with life situations that can't be changed, but who are respectful, good clients that deserve treatment like anyone else, and there are counselors who are happy to have them as clients.

As another note, I always tell a new counselor up front that I have these permanent conditions, that I don't expect them to ever leave and that I have a very low quality of life, etc. so they are completely aware this is the situation.

 

[Pookie]

"Counselling for me is much more than just simple talking, but all of that goes into many things that are too personal to write on a forum. I am committed to enduring life for now because I am a parent to a young child, and because of my duty to him I must try my hardest to endure whatever comes. This is my own personal commitment and I speak only of myself here; it's completely separate from any judgment of other people. I'm just giving my experience as another side because there are other people like me out there, who have long-term suicidality with life situations that can't be changed, but who are respectful, good clients that deserve treatment like anyone else, and there are counselors who are happy to have them as clients."

I greatly admire your courage to carry on living for your child despite the suffering you have to endure. You seem committed to carry on living despite the terrible hand you've been dealt. I'm very sorry for what you are going through.

I'm just thinking of other clients who are not committed at all, they may present for treatment on occasion but things just don't seem to be working out between themselves and the therapist. Seeing that therapists are also human, do they not also have the right to choose not to treat certain clients, even non-abusive ones?

I'm not saying that the OP is one of those clients who doesn't deserve treatment. If anything, from what I've read it doesn't seem like the OP has done anything wrong, which makes me think that the therapist is in the wrong here and probably not a good therapist for guilt-tripping the OP like that.

But on the other hand I can also understand that a therapist as a fallible human being who has perhaps been seeing a client for many years, may get upset that their client wants to ctb and may feel like a complete failure or even grieve when their clients commit suicide This is why therapists routinely need therapy themselves. It's not optional, it's mandatory.

That said, there are also some terrible therapists out there who make you wonder why they ever became therapists at all. Therapists with no empathy, judgemental, impatient, etc. Such therapists do more harm than good. If anyone feels uncomfortable with their therapist they should trust their gut and get the hell out of there.

PS: Excuse me if none of my arguments are making sense. To be honest, I don't even know what argument I'm trying to make here. I'm sitting here with 3 buprenorphine patches on my skin to control my pain and my brain is a potato at the moment. Lately I seem to be offending everyone and am very unlikeable. I recently got attacked in another thread where I thought I didn't say anything wrong to the OP but according to another commenter my comment was invalidating and insulting. I think she misunderstood what I was trying to say and I apologised to the OP but then just deleted the apology because I was uncertain of myself and thought I would just insult the OP further. I'm trying to be a better person but it's not working and I just don't have the energy to explain myself anymore.

 

[Whale_bones]

@Pookie: What you are saying completely makes sense to me! I totally understand the brain-turned-potato-from-pain phenomenon, but you're making total sense to me.

Thank you for your very kind words regarding my commitment to my son. I don't think of myself as courageous, but that is such a kind thing to hear. I think you must be a strong individual considering the level of pain you have to experience. Especially after trying mindfulness, CTB and all those things that don't change physical pain, and still being here feeling it at an extreme level. That takes an iron will and I hope there is some way for you to get access to a pain management team that can actually help your pain subside.

I definitely agree that if a client is missing appointments, not engaging, not being open and communicative, and in general not doing their part, that's a huge difficulty for a therapist to have a client like that who they know has significant suicidality. I try to do the opposite of the things listed above, and all of that lowers the potential amount of worry and stress my therapist can have regarding me. Because I am open and honest with him, he knows my opinions about my own suicide; that I feel I must wait until my son is old enough that my death won't be traumatic for him. I definitely have times with more intense urges, times where I question my decision or my resolve starts to falter, but my therapist knows I will tell him I'm thinking that and it's very unlikely I'd CTB suddenly out of nowhere, without telling him that my overall plans have changed.

But even for someone who is unsure of anything the future holds, as long as they are doing their part and being honest and straightforward with their therapist, their therapist has a duty to be honest with them about whether they are okay with seeing a client who is suicidal. I think one of the reasons my therapist has no hesitancy in dealing with the tough issues of death, suicide, unfixable problems, etc. is that he is very balanced himself, he doesn't use his personal feelings to judge whether my death would be wrong. When we've discussed it he has said that some counselors feel they've "failed" if a client's problems can't be fixed in the way the counselor feels they should be, and especially if the client CTBs. He said that a client should never feel guilty for feelings and thoughts they have, and that if the counselor has outside feelings or judgments then that is on the counselor to deal with, not the client.

Now, I understand totally that counselors are human and that's why I say that I'm so thankful for mine and I tell him he's awesome, because I don't know how he does it. Listening empathetically to people's dark thoughts all day and STILL being balanced and supportive no matter what is going on in his personal life or how tired he is- I know I could never do what he does. So I completely agree with you that it's human and normal for a counselor to get overwhelmed and have bad feelings. But the one thing I do think is their duty as counselors is they need to stop seeing the client if they can't process those feelings healthily. If they're going to take the feelings out on the client, that can be so damaging and cause the client to leave treatment altogether, and as the educated one they need to be the one to realize hey, I am not the right therapist for this client and I need to stop seeing them. As you say, therapists need therapy themselves and I think that if they are engaging in their own therapy then they're better able to clearly see the right thing to do with their clients.

Sorry that my posts are super long, this subject has a lot of interesting points and I'm having a great discussion with you so I just can't shorten it that much, ha. I don't know what was going on in that other thread but I don't find you unlikeable in the least, so don't even worry about something like that here! This is a great discussion!

 

[The Lonely]

I remember my mother once told me "oh I don't even want to hear it, that would be awful to your siblings, they wouldn't have a sister, etc"

Excuse me?
They seem more than fine with the fact that I've basically had to wipe myself off the planet while still technically breathing, they have shown zero interest in me as a person and a total lack of concern with the type of hell I deal with.
They already have surrogates for my position in the family.
The only thing they don't have, is their source of schadenfreude they would glean from my presence.
I could have been dead for the past 5 or so years or more, and they wouldn't even realize it unless someone went out of their way to tell them!
If I don't make myself known to them in some small manner, I am out of sight, out of mind.
They have made it clear, more times than once, that I am an embarrassment.
..So idk WHERE that comment came from,
she knows they don't even ask about me, it's like she only cares about keeping me alive to serve the other family members (and their reputations) that she actually does give a shit about.

It's just disturbingly incredible that people in our positions will get the guilt trip, but not the other people neglecting us!?

She has never once cried about me or my pain, not once.
I've seen her cry about very few things, or close to crying..and the last time it happened it was a similar situation of being upset about what I could have offered others if I wasn't in this position.
She told me (not quite verbatim because my memory..)- "I know if things were different, you would be the first one to be there for your cousins and siblings, I know you would do anything for them and would push for a close relationship, and that's one of the things that makes me sad, that they can't have that from you."
She worded it a bit worse than that and the teariness I heard over the phone- which was not present for any other part of the conversation-really threw me!
That is what makes you sad!? THEM!?
Where the fuck have THEY been for ME!?
All this time..
At least I have a damn excuse!
And more than one damn good reason.

So it's all about me being a pathetic maid to break my back offering my love and concern to people who don't need even a fraction of what I need? Nice.
I am starving over here and she wants me to pat the full bellies of my blood, and their ilk.
She would rather me be a jester to the King, than dead.
Especially insulting in the context of my long list of back and forths I have had with her, in which she has been a cold brick wall, so where her brain decides to suddenly bring forth emotion is fucked up, makes zero sense, compassion wise.
This is the same person who has stared me down and threatened to abandon me while I was on my knees, sobbing and pleading and choking on my own cries until my throat busted and I could not see out of my inflamed, swollen eyes.

I have realized that she doesn't actually want the best for me, nobody in this family does, and especially not anyone else trying to claw their way into it.
They just want me to appear happy despite the reality of living in shit.
(Therapists are paid strangers, so if my own family doesn't give a proper damn about me, then a therapist will never be much better.
I've already learned the hard way with them too.)
I am so afraid to incur brain damage because I strongly suspect my wishes would not be granted, my requests and dignity would not be respected..they would never treat me like they treat others and themselves, they would surely ignore the fact that I know what's best for myself, choosing to believe they know better, despite never living a single second in my shoes. The possible humiliation..I cannot bear the thought!
Honestly, I hate them all.
I wish I could just disappear, with the snap of my fingers, have every trace of me vanish from the face of the earth and evaporate from the minds of those who retain a false image of who and what I am.

Anyway, sorry to the OP for my random rant, I think it's vile for a therapist to go that far with guilt tripping, your sessions are supposed to be about what's best for you, not other people.
I hate to say it but he probably just doesn't want to lose a paycheck or have it be known that one of his patients killed themselves, bad for business.
We can't be honest with these people, it is only to our detriment if we try.

I ended my therapy because I "finally" discovered that I can pay for a therapist. I can swallow the amount of medicine the doctors prescribes me to. I can do my best.

The sad part is that I can not hire someone to Love me, to Care a bout me(…)

Thats why it Doesn't work…. I can't hire a Mom!!

Today I talked a lot about my suicidality with him. I told him I was planning my suicide last week but now I have stabilized a little bit. He tried to make me feel guilty if I ctb. I should imagine how my family, friends and professionals will feel when I am dead. I did not want to show that I think that this not the first priority in my opinion. I played his game. I let him win the discussion in reality I am way more pessimistic and the situation is far more hopeless. However I don't want him to give me up. He wanted me to imagine my last minutes before suicide how awful that must feel and that I might will miss out something positive. I had way better arguments why suicide might be the right solution for me. (Because my life is tormenting me and its maybe the least bad decision) But as I said if I tell him I am pretty sure I am going to ctb and there is nothing that will stop me he might stop therapy. This happened to me twice.
It was kind of awkward and depressing. Nevertheless at least I can talk with someone about my daily struggle.

Yeah, i can never forget that this professionals do this for living $.

As Asperger I have really problems with lies (the ability to lie).. so I finished the therapy because I can't fool the therapist about whats in my "agenda".

 

[Pookie]

@Pookie: What you are saying completely makes sense to me! I totally understand the brain-turned-potato-from-pain phenomenon, but you're making total sense to me.

Thank you for your very kind words regarding my commitment to my son. I don't think of myself as courageous, but that is such a kind thing to hear. I think you must be a strong individual considering the level of pain you have to experience. Especially after trying mindfulness, CTB and all those things that don't change physical pain, and still being here feeling it at an extreme level. That takes an iron will and I hope there is some way for you to get access to a pain management team that can actually help your pain subside.

I definitely agree that if a client is missing appointments, not engaging, not being open and communicative, and in general not doing their part, that's a huge difficulty for a therapist to have a client like that who they know has significant suicidality. I try to do the opposite of the things listed above, and all of that lowers the potential amount of worry and stress my therapist can have regarding me. Because I am open and honest with him, he knows my opinions about my own suicide; that I feel I must wait until my son is old enough that my death won't be traumatic for him. I definitely have times with more intense urges, times where I question my decision or my resolve starts to falter, but my therapist knows I will tell him I'm thinking that and it's very unlikely I'd CTB suddenly out of nowhere, without telling him that my overall plans have changed.

But even for someone who is unsure of anything the future holds, as long as they are doing their part and being honest and straightforward with their therapist, their therapist has a duty to be honest with them about whether they are okay with seeing a client who is suicidal. I think one of the reasons my therapist has no hesitancy in dealing with the tough issues of death, suicide, unfixable problems, etc. is that he is very balanced himself, he doesn't use his personal feelings to judge whether my death would be wrong. When we've discussed it he has said that some counselors feel they've "failed" if a client's problems can't be fixed in the way the counselor feels they should be, and especially if the client CTBs. He said that a client should never feel guilty for feelings and thoughts they have, and that if the counselor has outside feelings or judgments then that is on the counselor to deal with, not the client.

Now, I understand totally that counselors are human and that's why I say that I'm so thankful for mine and I tell him he's awesome, because I don't know how he does it. Listening empathetically to people's dark thoughts all day and STILL being balanced and supportive no matter what is going on in his personal life or how tired he is- I know I could never do what he does. So I completely agree with you that it's human and normal for a counselor to get overwhelmed and have bad feelings. But the one thing I do think is their duty as counselors is they need to stop seeing the client if they can't process those feelings healthily. If they're going to take the feelings out on the client, that can be so damaging and cause the client to leave treatment altogether, and as the educated one they need to be the one to realize hey, I am not the right therapist for this client and I need to stop seeing them. As you say, therapists need therapy themselves and I think that if they are engaging in their own therapy then they're better able to clearly see the right thing to do with their clients.

Sorry that my posts are super long, this subject has a lot of interesting points and I'm having a great discussion with you so I just can't shorten it that much, ha. I don't know what was going on in that other thread but I don't find you unlikeable in the least, so don't even worry about something like that here! This is a great discussion!

I'm happy to hear that what I'm saying is making sense, thank you for letting me know. I sometimes have to read my comments over and over again and they still don't make sense to me!

Also thanks for your kind words about my courage and finding a good pain management team. I suppose we're "courageous" even though we don't feel that way because it's not like we have any other choice, do we? There's no easy way to kill oneself and you have your son to live for now.

Yes, it's a great discussion as I'm finding your point of view and insights about long-term counselling interesting. I've never been for in-depth counselling and I probably need it.

I've had a difficult life with neglectful parents who are/were both substances misusers, my father is a tyrannical, psychologically abusive narcissist and I was often shit-scared of him.

I've been gang-raped, been kidnapped once, stalked and sexually harassed countless times. (Studies have shown that once you've been victimised you're unfortunately at a greater risk of getting re-victimised. Predators certainly know how to choose their prey and people who've been abused often have non-existent boundaries.)

But I don't see how talking about everything is going to help me, I don't want to relive the trauma.

I've now learned not to make eye contact with men or smile back at them in case they take it as some kind of invitation.

Once a guy tried to hit on me on the street and he said it looked like I was going to punch him, so obviously I've still got some issues there.

Now if I had been a child when all of this happened it probably would've been a whole different story. As adults we have more sophisticated mental capabilities to understand sexual violence and are better able to process it.

Before my illness and chronic pain I considered myself quite resilient. I didn't get PTSD from the rape, wasn't suicidal nor did I get nightmares from it. Yes, I was depressed but I would choose just depression over chronic physical pain any day. Now I have both mental AND physical pain to deal with and it's making life unbearable.

However, I can tell you one thing, and it may sound terrible, but I'd rather get raped/kidnapped again than deal with chronic pain. It's the years of relentless physical pain that has finally broken my spirit and brought me to my knees. Nothing quite like your OWN body turning against you instead of some stranger in a dark alley. My body is now my own personal enemy and I can't fight back or run away from it.

I'm also enjoying our in-depth discussion but I'm worried that we're derailing the OP's thread? You seem like a lovely person so could we continue with PM or some sort of chat app?

Basically that woman was just angry and bitter and taking it out on others. She had already attacked another guy in the same thread (I couldn't see what he had said that was so insulting either) so I'm not going to take what she said personally. Glad I deleted my apology to the OP because there was nothing to apologise for. The OP didn't even acknowledge my apology anyway.

 

[noname223]

I'm happy to hear that what I'm saying is making sense, thank you for letting me know. I sometimes have to read my comments over and over again and they still don't make sense to me!

Also thanks for your kind words about my courage and finding a good pain management team. I suppose we're "courageous" even though we don't feel that way because it's not like we have any other choice, do we? There's no easy way to kill oneself and you have your son to live for now.

Yes, it's a great discussion as I'm finding your point of view and insights about long-term counselling interesting. I've never been for in-depth counselling and I probably need it.

I've had a difficult life with neglectful parents who are/were both substances misusers, my father is a tyrannical, psychologically abusive narcissist and I was often shit-scared of him.

I've been gang-raped, been kidnapped once, stalked and sexually harassed countless times. (Studies have shown that once you've been victimised you're unfortunately at a greater risk of getting re-victimised. Predators certainly know how to choose their prey and people who've been abused often have non-existent boundaries.)

But I don't see how talking about everything is going to help me, I don't want to relive the trauma.

I've now learned not to make eye contact with men or smile back at them in case they take it as some kind of invitation.

Once a guy tried to hit on me on the street and he said it looked like I was going to punch him, so obviously I've still got some issues there.

Now if I had been a child when all of this happened it probably would've been a whole different story. As adults we have more sophisticated mental capabilities to understand sexual violence and are better able to process it.

Before my illness and chronic pain I considered myself quite resilient. I didn't get PTSD from the rape, wasn't suicidal nor did I get nightmares from it. Yes, I was depressed but I would choose just depression over chronic physical pain any day. Now I have both mental AND physical pain to deal with and it's making life unbearable.

However, I can tell you one thing, and it may sound terrible, but I'd rather get raped/kidnapped again than deal with chronic pain. It's the years of relentless physical pain that has finally broken my spirit and brought me to my knees. Nothing quite like your OWN body turning against you instead of some stranger in a dark alley. My body is now my own personal enemy and I can't fight back or run away from it.

I'm also enjoying our in-depth discussion but I'm worried that we're derailing the OP's thread? You seem like a lovely person so could we continue with PM or some sort of chat app?

Basically that woman was just angry and bitter and taking it out on others. She had already attacked another guy in the same thread (I couldn't see what he had said that was so insulting either) so I'm not going to take what she said personally. Glad I deleted my apology to the OP because there was nothing to apologise for. The OP didn't even acknowledge my apology anyway.

I did not read the full discussion because I felt it was not directed towards me. There is nothing to apologize for :)
This discussion is very long and had no time to read it.
I complain a little bit too much about my therapist. He is fine. He cares about me. I am just sad he cannot fix my problems. Probably nonone can. I am just sad about that and frustrated.

 

[Pookie]

@noname223
I understand your frustrations. Don't we all want to be "fixed"? At least life would be easier that way. But we're always changing as human beings, therefore we can never fully know ourselves. There are too many unexpected events in life that happen and we have no idea how we'll respond to them unless we're actually experiencing them. We can only guess until then.

If you feel that your therapist is fine and cares about you, then stick with him/her. I wish you all the best.

And yes, good thing you didn't waste your time reading my response to the other commenter :-D

 

[Whale_bones]

@Pookie, I will be sending you a PM with my response the next time I sit down to write, but just wanted to let you know I saw it and will be responding soon, good thinking to switch to PMs!