Venting the worst times are when you start feeling hopeful again

[rifle]

I'm a bit drunk and it's still a new experience for me, so this might (or might not) be a bit weird

the last couple days I've begun to feel hopeful again. like I had a revelation about myself and what I need to do. it's probably also somewhat connected to a meeting with a new psychiatrist my mom scheduled.

I hate it so much. I've had this inspirational motivational bursts of hope for years now, and for years now I've been looking back and thinking "I should have done it then. it got as bad as I thought it would". I think this time I genuinely cracked the core of all my problems and that i vaguely know what I need to do. the thing is, I have these discoveries about myself every other season, only to later understand that I was not wrong exactly, but that I just barely scratched the surface of the fuckjoke that is my psyche.

and I'm just so tired. I want to change, but I think I'm still in some kind of denial about myself and my situation, cuz otherwise I sure would've had a psychotic breakdown long time ago. and I've tried to change so hard already only to realize later that I was trying to change all the wrong things.

it's just. the only thing i learned with experience is that I can't trust myself, not my desicions nor my actions, my deductions, my opinions. everyone who thought those cruel things about me saw right through me. everyone who assumes the worst of me is right. the only thing I learned with experience is that my urge to kms and my apprehension towards future are not unfounded, they're telling the truth. so how can I trust this hope that I have right now? I can't. but I also can't stop feeling it.

I'm not like many of you here. in some ways, I genuinely like existing. and it's a bad thing, because it means that I don't enjoy it purely because of my own fault. rationally I know that this yearning for life is evolutionary defence mechanism, something wrongly right within my brain chemistry. but knowing this doesn't stop me from feeling it. why must consciousness be this cruel? torturing me and also preventing me from stopping ithe suffering when it is within my power.


ps. also lol if any of you have experience with alcohol please tell me that it's a horrible coping mechanism. because it just feels so good, every emotion so bright and clear. I was even able to cry, imagine that!! but the last thing I need is to make my situation worse with another addiction that destroys my body and mind. I can google it ofc, but I'm just so tired of ppl who don't understand and don't really care lecturing you from their high horse to make themselves feel better.

 

[myownpetvirus]

I'm struggling to understand why you want to ctb

 

[rifle]

I'm struggling to understand why you want to ctb

I'm struggling to understand the purpose of your comment. I find the reasons why mostly universal among everyone and very boring to talk about after awhile. do you want me to explain mine in detail? well, your interest is flattering, thank you. that's not what I'm trying to do in my post, though.

 

[Huntfish34]

(I'm also drunk lol. And I don't think it was weird at all )

Ohh yeah, I Totally get it and it's fucking Insane. You described it all so Damn well , I'm there myself.... Getting some hope for the future, a better life, job, w/e.. And I do better to a point because I Know exactly what I need to do. But sadly I will fall back into old habits and just give up to say Fuck it all. I'll tell myself at numerous points, Why didn't you do this Then? ( 1 , 3 , 5 yrs ago w/e) and the whole Vicious cycle continues over and over again. I'm sick of it all.

People seeing through you? ... calling you out I suppose and whatnot.. Wow. . that's eerily similar to my situation. They are right, it's true. For whatever it was..... I'd Love to prove them wrong and change myself for the better but it's almost like a huge dumbass mental block in my way. Maybe denial like you said ? Idk wtf, but my mind can be an extremely odd, weird, toxic.... place and I'm fckn sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I agree. I Really don't want to die either, there are parts of life I really enjoy and would like to stick around for... Very loving family, friends, .. list goes on. Sadly my anxiety, depression, self hatred, resentments, relationships.... bring me back down in an extremely dark and morbid place where I believe I could just go ahead and do the world a Favor and blow my fckn brains out. It's complete and utter Insanity to say the Least.

Thanks for sharing this, I wish you Nothing but the best with whatever may happen. Thoughts and prayers. -

 

[Kurushii]

I get that same feeling of hope after failing or not going through with an attempt. It makes me feel like I can make it through everything, that maybe I don't have to die after all. Maybe I can live a happy life. I know what I need to do in order to continue with my life, but at the end of the day, I don't care. I just don't care. I don't want to get better, I want to leave as I've had enough and want no more.

I think it's SI giving the hope in a desperate effort to live. Not just to not ctb, but to overcome the situation that originally made one want to ctb. Sadly it's not enough to fix me. It just gets in the way in a most unwelcome manner. But I suppose for some it can be helpful since it could be a valuable push in the right direction.

 

[DaatiSimi]

Hey guys, same boat.
Have you tried strong psychedelics? That has helped in the past

 

[rifle]

Hey guys, same boat.
Have you tried strong psychedelics? That has helped in the past

I haven't, how did it help u, if that's ok to ask? I'm scared of narcotics lol unless I'm doing it with intention of kms, I'll probably won't be able to do it

this makes me feel so exhausted god damn. the thought that it all would end soon was so calming. the idea that there are years and years to come makes me want to cry.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I do understand. Hope can definitely set you up for a fall. For me- my creative work is my everything. Now and again, projects vaguelly materialise on the horizon. People are all enthusiastic and I used to invest all my hopes and dreams and then, it would all come crashing down and I'd feel worse than before the project came along. It's taught me to be so cynical. I only really believe it when it's underway and they've paid me!

Of course- 'recovery' has to be even worse... You kind of HAVE to have some hope for recovery to work. I guess- maybe just temper it- like you are doing. Enjoy it to an extent but also be aware where it might lead you.

Bit like that quote about trying to treat success and failure the same. Difficult to achieve but makes sense in a way- removes the whole soaring and crashing emotions. Good luck- I hope this time- you are genuinely on your way to recovery.

 

[Szinuus]

I never feel hopeful. Chronic pain is permament and would leave me only if I ctb.

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

This is normal. Basically a rollercoaster effect that mitigates as time goes on, you arent suicidal or depressed but thats usually short term. Eventually you end up rising again and are back at the top of ctb. You sound like your in the middle of all this. Only you really control the direction you go.

Alcohol is typically a coping mechanism. It masks the feelings or even exaggerates them. I drink almost every day from a few beers/drinks to full black out, depends on how I feel that day. At this point I think without I would withdrawal and that would most likely be the end of me.

 

[ceus]

Hey guys, same boat.
Have you tried strong psychedelics? That has helped in the past

With the hope or with the wish to die ^-^

 

[Archness]

That can really mess you up. You get all this hope only for it to be crushed, and one can only blame themselves.

I can only wish your hopes do come true, because hope is the only think keeping me alive.