Rhymester
Offline
- Aug 9, 2023
- 84
The worst thing that I did took place during my first year in university (going into my second year now). I had two friends—optimistic, bright, and religious. One person in that friend group truly cared for me. She tried to make a good Christian out of me—explained parts of the Bible to me and such. She even gave me her Bible. Basically, she thought that I needed God to stop being suicidal and such. I didn't want to disappoint her so I would basically go along with everything she said. One day in university, I think it was a Wednesday, I just went absolutely crazy and started to demand tablets with the intention of using them for CTB. I did this because she told me that her sister is a pharmacist and stupid me was just so desperate for something highly accessible, and her sister working in a pharmacy meant that she had access to all kinds of drugs. So I basically texted that friend a long message saying something like—it's your choice, you can give me something that would end my life peacefully or I will do something gruesome that everyone will hate me for. Upon reading that, she and her friend blocked me and reported me to the university's well-being thing. The university called me and offered counselling but I refused. Ever since that day, university life has been just so miserable. I really regret what I did but desperation is such a strong emotion. I apologised and asked for one more chance but unfortunately, I lost two friends. There was also another friend. We bonded during one week in college (before the breakdown of the friend group I was in). I remember I offered her all my money to give me something lethal, but obviously without success. What happened with that friend? Well to be honest, either we have fallen out because of me being too depressing or my two previous friends have told her everything and maybe it turned her against me. She hasn't messaged me in months. She replies to my texts but never texts first and when she replies it's really dry and usually one word. Going back to the breakdown of the friend group, I know that I will never get a chance again to apologise properly. I know they will never see this but I am sorry for letting my demons out. At least here everyone would respect my wishes to CTB. I am happy to be part of this community. The worst thing about this situation is that I didn't want them to leave. They started to walk away and I ran after them. I begged them not to leave. Eventually, I just ran away and hid somewhere—I was crying for ages behind some building. Just one image from that day I will never forget is how they left. They walked away—laughing, smiling, and talking. It's like I have never seen them happier before—as if they were liberated. I tried talking to them, apologising—but they just ignored me, walked ahead, and continued on laughing and staring into their phones. I know what I did was unforgivable though.
