The Unreality Feeling?

[Amossoma543]

I've never spoken about suicide before joining here, and I woke up this morning in the strangest mood after openly talking about it for the first time on here...it's a very weird feeling I've had all day...sort of a surreal feeling (I usually hate how everyone overuses this word), an unreality, almost that feeling you get the next day...that "I-did-something-stupid-while-drunk" (I don't drink) feeling. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Now I think I'm getting used to the feeling...now that it's out in the open. I can talk about it. When I was on Reddit, where you cannot have these discussions, I only used common euphemisms...because to openly say "kill myself" just felt too raw...and dangerous. I don't like attention, as a general rule, but there ARE things I want to talk about...like methods, relating to others who feel similarly, etc.

I'm in my car right now...I leave the house at least once a day on days off and drive to a local mall and sit in the parking lot to listen to audiobooks and to write...and I realized that there are no places anywhere where you can talk about these things without raising all kinds of red flags, causing all kinds of commotion...even typing in the words "sanctioned suicide" in Google (because I'm on my other iPad in my car) brought up a host of Help Line ads right at the top. There is no peace anywhere to be had where you can talk about this!

I've literally been on my own with this for the past year, writing in my own journal and hinting about it only using euphemisms on Reddit in certain discussion boards, with really nobody to talk to. You just cannot process anything like this anywhere without being labeled as crazy or in need of forced intervention. No wonder so many people botch suicide attempts! I would have with the route I was planning.

The information I've read just in the past two days on this website stopped me from making a very dumb mistake.

But back to the unreality part...did anyone else feel really strange when they first joined, like you've crossed a rubicon of sorts...and the first few days you felt strange about having talked openly about committing suicide? It's almost like I still half expect somebody to come flying out of the woodwork to manhandle me into a straight jacket or something. :P

I've been reading nonstop here and I appreciate that this place is here for people to talk, learn, process, and connect with others. I have my plan, I'm working up my courage, and I feel a bit better about the decision today. More important...I now know my plan will likely work.

That's to Stan's credit, a person I never even knew and only now know about because I saw his goodbye thread after reading his SN informational thread.

 

[escapefromabuse]

I've never spoken about suicide before joining here, and I woke up this morning in the strangest mood after openly talking about it for the first time on here...it's a very weird feeling I've had all day...sort of a surreal feeling (I usually hate how everyone overuses this word), an unreality, almost that feeling you get the next day...that "I-did-something-stupid-while-drunk" (I don't drink) feeling. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Now I think I'm getting used to the feeling...now that it's out in the open. I can talk about it. When I was on Reddit, where you cannot have these discussions, I only used common euphemisms...because to openly say "kill myself" just felt too raw...and dangerous. I don't like attention, as a general rule, but there ARE things I want to talk about...like methods, relating to others who feel similarly, etc.

I'm in my car right now...I leave the house at least once a day on days off and drive to a local mall and sit in the parking lot to listen to audiobooks and to write...and I realized that there are no places anywhere where you can talk about these things without raising all kinds of red flags, causing all kinds of commotion...even typing in the words "sanctioned suicide" in Google (because I'm on my other iPad in my car) brought up a host of Help Line ads right at the top. There is no peace anywhere to be had where you can talk about this!

I've literally been on my own with this for the past year, writing in my own journal and hinting about it only using euphemisms on Reddit in certain discussion boards, with really nobody to talk to. You just cannot process anything like this anywhere without being labeled as crazy or in need of forced intervention. No wonder so many people botch suicide attempts! I would have with the route I was planning.

The information I've read just in the past two days on this website stopped me from making a very dumb mistake.

But back to the unreality part...did anyone else feel really strange when they first joined, like you've crossed a rubicon of sorts...and the first few days you felt strange about having talked openly about committing suicide? It's almost like I still half expect somebody to come flying out of the woodwork to manhandle me into a straight jacket or something. :P

I've been reading nonstop here and I appreciate that this place is here for people to talk, learn, process, and connect with others. I have my plan, I'm working up my courage, and I feel a bit better about the decision today. More important...I now know my plan will likely work.

That's to Stan's credit, a person I never even knew and only now know about because I saw his goodbye thread after reading his SN informational thread.

Yep every word you said. It's comforting knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I appreciate so much that I can say things here that would get the authorities called if I said them to a hotline. This has become a safe space for me.

 

[Amossoma543]

Yep every word you said. It's comforting knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I appreciate so much that I can say things here that would get the authorities called if I said them to a hotline. This has become a safe space for me.

Exactly. I cannot overstate just how much of a great feeling it is to be able to openly talk about it without being inundated with unwanted DMs or messages...all from people who do not know me...but speak as if they have some authority about what your life needs. I understand why people have strong feelings about certain issues, but the strong reactions are exactly why so few people actually ever talk about these issues.

When I have even remotely hinted at what goes on in my thoughts, people close to you often immediately suggest you "get help" or talk to a doctor or therapist. I can't say I know a whole lot about almost anything, but one thing I do know: I do not want the kind of attention that will almost certainly come if I ever talked openly with a doctor about what I talk about (and see others talking about) here.

 

[escapefromabuse]

Exactly. I cannot overstate just how much of a great feeling it is to be able to openly talk about it without being inundated with unwanted DMs or messages...all from people who do not know me...but speak as if they have some authority about what your life needs. I understand why people have strong feelings about certain issues, but the strong reactions are exactly why so few people actually ever talk about these issues.

When I have even remotely hinted at what goes on in my thoughts, people close to you often immediately suggest you "get help" or talk to a doctor or therapist. I can't say I know a whole lot about almost anything, but one thing I do know: I do not want the kind of attention that will almost certainly come if I ever talked openly with a doctor about what I talk about (and see others talking about) here.

Yep nobody gets it. It's invalidating as hell when people try to help by saying some of that shit.

 

[faust]

First I will start my message from the quote "brought up a host of Help Line ads right at the top". If I use Google Chrome and type "Sanctioned Suicide" I always get Helpline first.

I know what you are talking about. It is very hard to speak about CTB anywhere else. Even online. I have been lurking there for 3 weeks and reading everything and only after that I registered. Everybody here looked totally different, I didn't see any judgement there, this forum is full of support. It is like an oxygen for those who has hard times in their lives. People can't admit we have a choice to die or just think about it. They may even say that euthanasia and suicide is something worth condemnation. And of course they will talk that life is a sacred thing and that it is not our privilegy to die when we want and how we want. That is an absurd. Why your pet can be put down and a human-being has to suffer?
I do not know to which extent I am lucky to find this forum. You are the best, thank you for your patience, kindness and support. I love you