I already told it to many people today. I am going through hell once again if I break I will kill myself. I reached out for help maybe someone will respond.
I barely can eat anymore. My mental anguish kills my hunger. I eat chips and chocolate every single day in order not to lose too much weight. If you know me in real life you know that it has to become very serious if I I take such measures.
The online courses I have are way better from the topics. Way less depression but I think I am just done. I tried to keep myself together for staying in college. I did escapism, last holidays I bought me so much stuff and spent a lot of money and if you know me you know me it has to become very serious if I do something like that.
I think my brain resorts to developing crushes as escapsim. I have really issues to post this I feel so nightmarish. I met a young woman and I felt like there was a good chemistry. She told me she was raped. And I interpreted that combined with her smile and her gaze into my eyes as sign she liked me. I starred at her as if she had a crush on me. And my horror scenario is to molest woman. This is one of my paranoid horror scenarios. I did not do anything except starring at her as if she liked me. And I sat next to her.
So objectively I did not that much. But I feel so fucking ashamed and I want to kill myself for that so fucking badly. I made her uncomfortable. I feel disgusted by myself. I help her with college with some summaries with the hope she might forgive my action. Certainly not to approach her again. I would prefer to burn the bridges but I started to share the summaries with them. I could download them all at once and send all of them. So that I don't have to text her anymore. When I realized I made her uncomfortable I felt extremely suicidal. My inner voice shouted at me "kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself" very loudly for some minutes it felt pretty long. No schizpohrenic actual voice rather the product of feeling disgusted about myself. Which makes me feel like suicide is the best result for a person like me. Which is in some way extreme because I basically did almost nothing except starring at her. (and sitting once next to her)
I opened up about the love paranoia in my college self-help group. The people consider me insane now. Nobody could relate to it and these people seemed to be pretty judgemental. I probably ghost all of them soon. I wanted at least to open up the next and last time about the child abuse and severe suicidality in order to show them that it is not my fault being like that. Moreover I will take actions to end my pathetic little life. Though I have concerns this action could be interpreted as attention seeking which is why I will probably only ghost all of them. (non of them had such psychotic problems ever)
This post here actually helped me more than phoning with my dad or writing to my support network person. My friends simply don't know what to respond anymore because everything keeps repeating. And there simply is no escape.
I am not sure whether I actually should plan to kill myself now. Usually I become very depressed if I do that. And I think I don't have the resources to do suicide preparations and college stuff at the same time. I deteriorated in an insane speed the last two weeks. I sometimes worry so much that I cannot go to toilette properly because my fears and sorrows overwhelm me so much that that needs all the attention. When I told that fact to my friends they were kind of stunned but it is the truth.
I will take the following countermeasures in my last attempt to save college. First more sleeping pills but no benzos. I am scared the withdrawal symptoms come back. Yesterday I took a half and I had today a cry fit (in Germany we would call it a cry attack.) Which also is concerning because since I take antipsychotics I am so numb towards crying. I think my brain gives me so many signs that I am at my end of my mental capacities. But I just keep going. And more and more (new) symptoms show themselves.
I don't know I just have to think about that gore video I once watched. I would recommend to other people not to watch such stuff. But there were two Chinese workers at their workplace. It seemed to be something like a metal foundry. At the floor there was container with an extremely heated liquid. Both of the workers had protective gear on. One of the two guys suddenly jumped in the magma/heated liquid. He just disappeared in it after some seconds. One could not see his body anymore. Nothing kept left of him. Nothing. The protective gear made the face of the other guy not seeable. He seemed like he did not really comprehend what just happened. I think I watched that video as a suicidal teenager. I asked myself which hell does people let take such drastic measures. Wasn't he scared about the heat and possible pain? I guess I will find out one day. Despite the fact this certainly won't be my mehod.
I kind of have the urge to watch gore again. I have done that the last time I guess when i was 18. I think it is no healthy coping method. And if your are extremely unhappy just like me more new mental illness can emerge from that. I have pretty much anxiety about PTSD.
I am not sure what do now. I am at the end of the rope. But I don't actually have a rope around here. As I said suicide preparations would make college impossible. Going to a clinic would help me shortterm but longterm...there is nothing. There is no hope.
I barely can eat anymore. My mental anguish kills my hunger. I eat chips and chocolate every single day in order not to lose too much weight. If you know me in real life you know that it has to become very serious if I I take such measures.
The online courses I have are way better from the topics. Way less depression but I think I am just done. I tried to keep myself together for staying in college. I did escapism, last holidays I bought me so much stuff and spent a lot of money and if you know me you know me it has to become very serious if I do something like that.
I think my brain resorts to developing crushes as escapsim. I have really issues to post this I feel so nightmarish. I met a young woman and I felt like there was a good chemistry. She told me she was raped. And I interpreted that combined with her smile and her gaze into my eyes as sign she liked me. I starred at her as if she had a crush on me. And my horror scenario is to molest woman. This is one of my paranoid horror scenarios. I did not do anything except starring at her as if she liked me. And I sat next to her.
So objectively I did not that much. But I feel so fucking ashamed and I want to kill myself for that so fucking badly. I made her uncomfortable. I feel disgusted by myself. I help her with college with some summaries with the hope she might forgive my action. Certainly not to approach her again. I would prefer to burn the bridges but I started to share the summaries with them. I could download them all at once and send all of them. So that I don't have to text her anymore. When I realized I made her uncomfortable I felt extremely suicidal. My inner voice shouted at me "kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself" very loudly for some minutes it felt pretty long. No schizpohrenic actual voice rather the product of feeling disgusted about myself. Which makes me feel like suicide is the best result for a person like me. Which is in some way extreme because I basically did almost nothing except starring at her. (and sitting once next to her)
I opened up about the love paranoia in my college self-help group. The people consider me insane now. Nobody could relate to it and these people seemed to be pretty judgemental. I probably ghost all of them soon. I wanted at least to open up the next and last time about the child abuse and severe suicidality in order to show them that it is not my fault being like that. Moreover I will take actions to end my pathetic little life. Though I have concerns this action could be interpreted as attention seeking which is why I will probably only ghost all of them. (non of them had such psychotic problems ever)
This post here actually helped me more than phoning with my dad or writing to my support network person. My friends simply don't know what to respond anymore because everything keeps repeating. And there simply is no escape.
I am not sure whether I actually should plan to kill myself now. Usually I become very depressed if I do that. And I think I don't have the resources to do suicide preparations and college stuff at the same time. I deteriorated in an insane speed the last two weeks. I sometimes worry so much that I cannot go to toilette properly because my fears and sorrows overwhelm me so much that that needs all the attention. When I told that fact to my friends they were kind of stunned but it is the truth.
I will take the following countermeasures in my last attempt to save college. First more sleeping pills but no benzos. I am scared the withdrawal symptoms come back. Yesterday I took a half and I had today a cry fit (in Germany we would call it a cry attack.) Which also is concerning because since I take antipsychotics I am so numb towards crying. I think my brain gives me so many signs that I am at my end of my mental capacities. But I just keep going. And more and more (new) symptoms show themselves.
I don't know I just have to think about that gore video I once watched. I would recommend to other people not to watch such stuff. But there were two Chinese workers at their workplace. It seemed to be something like a metal foundry. At the floor there was container with an extremely heated liquid. Both of the workers had protective gear on. One of the two guys suddenly jumped in the magma/heated liquid. He just disappeared in it after some seconds. One could not see his body anymore. Nothing kept left of him. Nothing. The protective gear made the face of the other guy not seeable. He seemed like he did not really comprehend what just happened. I think I watched that video as a suicidal teenager. I asked myself which hell does people let take such drastic measures. Wasn't he scared about the heat and possible pain? I guess I will find out one day. Despite the fact this certainly won't be my mehod.
I kind of have the urge to watch gore again. I have done that the last time I guess when i was 18. I think it is no healthy coping method. And if your are extremely unhappy just like me more new mental illness can emerge from that. I have pretty much anxiety about PTSD.
I am not sure what do now. I am at the end of the rope. But I don't actually have a rope around here. As I said suicide preparations would make college impossible. Going to a clinic would help me shortterm but longterm...there is nothing. There is no hope.
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