suffering
Too p*ssy to end it, too suicidal to leave
- Aug 17, 2018
- 398
Does anyone feel like they are (or are about to be) put on trial in face of humanity?
I wonder if this is a in born guilt mechanism with biological or philosophical roots (ex Schopenhauer's concept of 'the crime of being born'). Like the overly introspect man who feels the guilt of human condition and expects to be judged for it. Or just the weight of society and the way we or raised? Think of Kafka's The Trial or Pink Floyd's The Trial. The same theme: no specific crime, just the whole society pointing fingers at an overly introspect man who is afraid of being exposed, although he has done nothing wrong.
I get crippling anxiety at the thought of email leaks, imagining my name online next to some stupid impulsive shit I've said at some point in my life (and compared to many people I am probably a saint). I even get paranoia from it, I stopped googling my name a while back because I was convinced there had to be something compromising about myself online. When I eventually searched, I found only clean professional things, I was even flattered. But the paranoia remains. Like I am about to be exposed, ridiculed, pointed at, laughed at, despised, judged, etc.
Of course there are many thing that I am ashamed of, but aren't we all? Is it that the angel in me is too disappointed of the devil in me? And that the wise man in me is disappointed by my previous foolishness? That the calm man in me is disappointed by the impulsive beast? etc..
Does anybody else feel the same?
I wonder if this is a in born guilt mechanism with biological or philosophical roots (ex Schopenhauer's concept of 'the crime of being born'). Like the overly introspect man who feels the guilt of human condition and expects to be judged for it. Or just the weight of society and the way we or raised? Think of Kafka's The Trial or Pink Floyd's The Trial. The same theme: no specific crime, just the whole society pointing fingers at an overly introspect man who is afraid of being exposed, although he has done nothing wrong.
I get crippling anxiety at the thought of email leaks, imagining my name online next to some stupid impulsive shit I've said at some point in my life (and compared to many people I am probably a saint). I even get paranoia from it, I stopped googling my name a while back because I was convinced there had to be something compromising about myself online. When I eventually searched, I found only clean professional things, I was even flattered. But the paranoia remains. Like I am about to be exposed, ridiculed, pointed at, laughed at, despised, judged, etc.
Of course there are many thing that I am ashamed of, but aren't we all? Is it that the angel in me is too disappointed of the devil in me? And that the wise man in me is disappointed by my previous foolishness? That the calm man in me is disappointed by the impulsive beast? etc..
Does anybody else feel the same?
