Venting The time has come

[JalanAtthirariAnni]

Hello to every person who happens to come across this post and thank you for reading it.

Two years ago this site has helped me through some really tough times, back then I though the hardest time of my life. I spoke with some amazing people so here I am again.

Back then I was in very low point in my life and have attempted partial. I got good setup, practiced to get it right, unfortunately on the final night I drunk too much and took too many drugs. Long story short, I failed. Afterwards I've managed to order what would give me a more peacefull and sure way to go.
After a lot of thought I've decided I will give a life another go, I've moved back to my home country and unfortunately had to get rid of my peacefull way out due to security concerns at the airport.

I managed to reconnect with some old friends, I landed a good job and I met the most amazing girl I've met in my life. I thought this is it, that's life giving me a chance which I don't deserve.
Unfortunately problems started, job wasn't going as good as I thought it would, I built up a debt to keep our lifestyle decent. After a while depression started to kick in since it looked like I am making one step forward, two steps back.
Few months ago it culminated, got sued for the debt which I couldn't afford to pay and of course I had to share everything with my amazing girlfriend. She stood by me and wanted to sort everything out but I was so depressed, ashamed and my honour told me that the best way is to let her go since I am not worthy of her. It was the worst decision in my life. I believe there is that one person for everybody and she was that person for me.
We haven't seen eachother in 3 months, all this time I was working on myself, going to gym 7 days a week, got a good plan how to repay my debt, analysed my personality to try understand myself better, came off antidepressants cause they actually made things worse. Unfortunately, she has moved on. Nothing I can say or do can convince her to meet me for a coffe to talk. I don't blame her. Love is conditional, a man's love is worth nothing if he is not capable.

At this point I am tired. I've already started over 2 times in my life. I don't have a strength to start over 3rd time. At my age now it's very difficult to do. I don't know why I am the way I am but I hate it. I've seen therapist but it was complete waste of time. I don't have any strength left anymore to go on and wait for a passage of time to turn me into a dust.
I hope I can find a way to find some more peaceful solution, I thought about hanging or drowning but I am too cowardly to go with it I think. If I won't find a way than I guess hanging is better of the two and it will have to do.

Thanks again if any of you read this, I am not looking for sympathy just wanted to get it out of me cause out there, there is no one who can understand me, even my best friend.

Thank you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand feeling so tired of it all, I hope you find the peace you search for.

 

[darksouls]

welcome back to sasu
I am very sorry for your situation
wish you the best
hope you find the relief you are looking for

 

[JalanAtthirariAnni]

Every day is getting harder now. I am in this weird state, suspended between endorphins rush right after a work out/sport activity and complete emptiness. I come back to my apartment but it doesn't feel like home.

I feel like my life has ended. It's over but I remain here, I feel like I don't belong here anymore.

Every day I try so hard to find that one thing that should keep me going but it's not there. I would really like to find it but at the same time I'd rather be gone.
Sailing rope has arrived so the way out it's there. I don't know why I am postponing it, what I am waiting for.

Thank you good SaSu souls for being around.