Discussion “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.” thoughts on this?

[piddincir]

I recently lost my wife to suicide, some of you might have read my previous posts.

Since that day I've been in somewhat of an existential crisis, internally battling the fear of death against the fear of living, I've read this in a lot of other peoples posts as well. One will win out I am sure and I am sure that it will not be life, I am sure I will know when the time is right but has reminded me of a quote by Nietzsche I read when I was younger that stuck with me - "The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."

I was never really suicidal before but had often through what was the point of life and I couldn't be bothered with it many times, mostly out of laziness and the bullshit of life working your whole life for material things but I remember reading this and thinking if life ever got so bad then there was a way out. Love became my reason for existence, but that light has now been extinguished.

It randomly popped into my head and has left me thinking about it. Thinking of my own death and no longer existing is probably the reason I am still here now. I cannot think or properly process my loss, I can't look at pictures or listen to music all I can do is think constantly about ending it all, the only way I can sleep is by thinking that when I wake it is my last day on this earth.

It's a strange concept - taking comfort in knowing you'll die but that thought keeping you alive.

Does anyone relate? keen to get others perspective on this

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I completely relate. It's always felt like a comfort to me that there was a way out if things became too much. I just wish it was easier to do.

 

[todeswunsch]

Having a way of just quitting if it become unbearable eases my anxiety and makes it a little more bearable.
Totally relate to this.
Its ironic that thinking in suicide allows you to bear one more night and live more.

 

[thejumper]

It's 7 A.M. You wake up in the morning, and upon opening your eyes, the first thing you see is the handgun lying on your nightstand. You feel a subtle sense of relief, a morning boost as some may prefer to call it, pleasantly cognizant of the fact your departure from existence is merely a trigger away. What do you do then? Do you just pick up the gun and opt out? No, you get up from the bed and go about your daily life, while fully observing the futility of day-to-day living and internalizing the inevitability of your last day here on Earth.

There will probably come a time, when life will become so dull that even the sense of relief you get from gazing at your beloved friend won't suffice your inner yearning for ultimate nothingness. What do you make out of it?

I hope that things work out for you, piddincir; whether it be in living or death.

---

What is life but an unpleasant interruption to a peaceful nonexistence?
- Sartre

 

[piddincir]

It's 7 A.M. You wake up in the morning, and upon opening your eyes, the first thing you see is the handgun lying on your nightstand. You feel a subtle sense of relief, a morning boost as some may prefer to call it, pleasantly cognizant of the fact your departure from existence is merely a trigger away. What do you do then? Do you just pick up the gun and opt out? No, you get up from the bed and go about your daily life, while fully observing the futility of day-to-day living and internalizing the inevitability of your last day here on Earth.

There will probably come a time, when life will become so dull that even the sense of relief you get from gazing at your beloved friend won't suffice your inner yearning for ultimate nothingness. What do you make out of it?

I hope that things work out for you, piddincir; whether it be in living or death.

---

This is very insightful, great quote too - love it.

it's how I have been living this last month, sadly I am from the UK so a handgun is out of the question but I have my exit bag and helium tanks rigged up on my bedroom floor, where I found my wife, each day I wake up thinking it's the last day but then can't bring myself to do it. I know that I am not ready, which is fine I know I will be (or won't be) in time, or the fear of living will overtake the fear of dying will become to strong but knowing it's there for when I am ready is what allows me to keep going, it's really quite strange.

Life isn't for everyone and I understand that better know but coming to terms with my own mortality has taught me a lot about life.

For the first time in my life I can't predict my own mind

 

[FuneralCry]

Having the option of suicide is a relief as it means people won't feel so trapped here, they know that there is a way to permanently free themselves from this existence and they are in control of when they die. This is why it'd be compassionate to allow people the option of a guaranteed peaceful exit from this existence as it would reduce suffering and make people feel calmer knowing they can leave without having to struggle to die.

Sadly this isn't the reality, in this society the option of a reliable way to cease existing is a privilege, but in general the thought of ceasing to exist is comforting, in fact I see death as the only relief as one cannot suffer from not existing.

 

[Orange Cat]

I think a lot of people can relate to this. The thought of death can be comforting. It's like having a security blanket. You know that if things get bad enough, you have a way out if want it. It gives you back some sense of control over your life. Knowing that you won't be trapped in an unbearable situation can give you the courage to continue on and keeping fighting for another day. At that point what do you really have to lose? If things don't work out, you already have your exit planned. This can relieve a lot of anxiety and make a bad situation a little more bearable.

 

[piddincir]

Having a way of just quitting if it become unbearable eases my anxiety and makes it a little more bearable.
Totally relate to this.
Its ironic that thinking in suicide allows you to bear one more night and live more.

yeah it's a weird form of survival instinct and coping mechanism in a way, I am sure many people suffer with this until they die naturally because they couldn't go through with it. We are conditioned biologically and by society to live

 

[MonsieurIsDead]

I recently lost my wife to suicide, some of you might have read my previous posts.

Since that day I've been in somewhat of an existential crisis, internally battling the fear of death against the fear of living, I've read this in a lot of other peoples posts as well. One will win out I am sure and I am sure that it will not be life, I am sure I will know when the time is right but has reminded me of a quote by Nietzsche I read when I was younger that stuck with me - "The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."

I was never really suicidal before but had often through what was the point of life and I couldn't be bothered with it many times, mostly out of laziness and the bullshit of life working your whole life for material things but I remember reading this and thinking if life ever got so bad then there was a way out. Love became my reason for existence, but that light has now been extinguished.

It randomly popped into my head and has left me thinking about it. Thinking of my own death and no longer existing is probably the reason I am still here now. I cannot think or properly process my loss, I can't look at pictures or listen to music all I can do is think constantly about ending it all, the only way I can sleep is by thinking that when I wake it is my last day on this earth.

It's a strange concept - taking comfort in knowing you'll die but that thought keeping you alive.

Does anyone relate? keen to get others perspective on this

I do feel this way. Planning my suicide and getting my things in order makes me stay here longer than probably necessary. I've always said my brains are my biggest enemy and right now, thinking about my death makes me feel in control, almost excited. And when I'm feeling terribly low (I'm also grieving hard for the loss of my dog, to you that will seem insignificant but to me, he was my whole world and he kept me alive for the last 6 years), well, I just want to end it now and my mind says… hold on, you haven't finished this part of your plan, and you can't right now because your daughter is on vacation and you'll ruin that for her if you go today, etc.

Today, I plan on sitting down and writing to me family about what I plan to do in the afterlife after I CTB. It will help with whatever guilt I have of leaving them behind to suffer. If they can imagine me happy on the other side. That task today will help me stay here today. My plan is close to being complete.

I hope when the day comes, I've resolved all these things that are keeping me here and don't chicken out. I want it to be over sonbad. I don't want to try anything else in this life anymore.

 

[piddincir]

Having the option of suicide is a relief as it means people won't feel so trapped here, they know that there is a way to permanently free themselves from this existence and they are in control of when they die. This is why it'd be compassionate to allow people the option of a guaranteed peaceful exit from this existence as it would reduce suffering and make people feel calmer knowing they can leave without having to struggle to die.

Sadly this isn't the reality, in this society the option of a reliable way to cease existing is a privilege, but in general the thought of ceasing to exist is comforting, in fact I see death as the only relief as one cannot suffer from not existing.

I totally agree with this, to an extent.

Life is forced upon us and one things that is guaranteed to everyone is suffering. Everyone will suffer at some point in their lives.

it's an impossible question to answer though and I think people go when their time is right, when they are tired of the struggle and had enough of life. I understand better now life is not for everyone and not everyone can be saved. On the other side though there are those that can be saved or whose lives will improve but every case is different and therefore impossible to provide a universal argument, it has to be absolute.

my wife used to tell me that had she had access to firearms we wouldn't have met and told me what a tragedy that would have been. Yes she ultimately took her own life, but she would have done years ago if there was a more peaceful way out and I know she would have regretted that with hindsight as we spent 9 very happy years together and she died happier because of this

I think societies views on suicide is bad in general, it should be an open discussion, if you take this forum for example, and all the bad press it gets by attributing peoples suicides to this but what you can't quantify is how many people it's helped but providing a safe environment to discuss things in a non judgmental way. It's wrong that people feel they have the right to tell you how to live your life.

I think a lot of people can relate to this. The thought of death can be comforting. It's like having a security blanket. You know that if things get bad enough, you have a way out if want it. It gives you back some sense of control over your life. Knowing that you won't be trapped in an unbearable situation can give you the courage to continue on and keeping fighting for another day. At that point what do you really have to lose? If things don't work out, you already have your exit planned. This can relieve a lot of anxiety and make a bad situation a little more bearable.

I like the term security blanket and I totally get this in a way I never did before.

my wife you to explain her ideation this way to me and the way she used to think when she was younger and going through lots of trauma, she felt out of control but knowing she could end it gave her comfort. People will never understand unless they experience it first hand. I never truly understood mental health issues before, I had my own struggle yes and could empathise with those in pain and who were struggling, but unless you've lived it you can't truly know.

I do feel this way. Planning my suicide and getting my things in order makes me stay here longer than probably necessary. I've always said my brains are my biggest enemy and right now, thinking about my death makes me feel in control, almost excited. And when I'm feeling terribly low (I'm also grieving hard for the loss of my dog, to you that will seem insignificant but to me, he was my whole world and he kept me alive for the last 6 years), well, I just want to end it now and my mind says… hold on, you haven't finished this part of your plan, and you can't right now because your daughter is on vacation and you'll ruin that for her if you go today, etc.

Today, I plan on sitting down and writing to me family about what I plan to do in the afterlife after I CTB. It will help with whatever guilt I have of leaving them behind to suffer. If they can imagine me happy on the other side. That task today will help me stay here today. My plan is close to being complete.

I hope when the day comes, I've resolved all these things that are keeping me here and don't chicken out. I want it to be over sonbad. I don't want to try anything else in this life anymore.

I am very sorry to hear about your dog, its not an insignificant thing, when my first dog died I couldn't get out of bed for weeks, it's the only real pain I've suffered in my life before this (I know I am lucky for this), she was my best friend then and I sure yours was to you.

I am in exactly the same boat, my wife left without a note or plan or anything so I want to make sure I don't leave without leaving a plan behind for my family to clear up. I have a list of things I have been working through, my suicide note, my will, plans for my wife's funeral/my funeral - I would like to do it as a joint service as were inseparable in life, her eulogy - which was the hardest thing I've ever done. The only thing left on my list is to go through our pictures, it's the one thing I can't bring myself to do, I try but can't get past the first couple. I know doing this will break me to the point of not wanting to live. and I dont want anything in this life anymore either.

My brain is my worst enemy right now, it's not letting me fully process the loss or feel all that I should be as I know if it did I would end it all right now.

I wish you peace

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

It's a strange concept - taking comfort in knowing you'll die but that thought keeping you alive.

I resonate greatly with this sentiment.

Along the same lines, this quote from Emil Cioran has been a great inspiration lately: "What saved me was the idea of suicide. If it wasn't for the idea of suicide I would have killed myself."



I've been reading your posts OP. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your loss. I sincerely wish the best for you.

 

[piddincir]

I resonate greatly with this sentiment.

Along the same lines, this quote from Emil Cioran has been a great inspiration lately: "What saved me was the idea of suicide. If it wasn't for the idea of suicide I would have killed myself."



I've been reading your posts OP. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your loss. I sincerely wish the best for you.

Thanks for sharing this video, I love that quote - it's such a paradoxical way of thinking and unless you have lived it you won't understand

6 weeks ago this would have gone right over my head and probably dismissed it as nonsense, or tried to philosophise it's truth but could have never understood its true meaning.

 

[cursedcure]

i feel like i've never read/heard this quote verbatim but knowing that i'm in control to end it all has been reassuring all my life. alleviated my anxieties about trivial or more important events more than i can admit. i'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife, i am in a similar type of grief because i lost my boyfriend to suicide. i don't know what is harder and sadder in our situations, grieving our loves or knowing too well the pain our own death will inflict on others who love and care for us.

 

[piddincir]

i feel like i've never read/heard this quote verbatim but knowing that i'm in control to end it all has been reassuring all my life. alleviated my anxieties about trivial or more important events more than i can admit. i'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife, i am in a similar type of grief because i lost my boyfriend to suicide. i don't know what is harder and sadder in our situations, grieving our loves or knowing too well the pain our own death will inflict on others who love and care for us.

Sorry for you loss, I read your old posts, damn brought me to tears (not like that is hard these days), So tragic and so relatable. The way you write about that love is beautiful, I felt the same way about my wife from the first week I met her, and so did she.

I always thought our love was enough, and it was, I know she would have been lost long before if she hadn't met me, sounds like it was the same with you both, hold on to those memories and the love. I know had things gone differently this year she would still be here but it's fruitless to think this way. I am glad we shared the best years of our life together. Im sorry you didn't have longer together but to experience that kind of love is a gift.

This might sounds cold but I really don't care about the pain I inflict on others, I know it will be devastating for a lot of people I love and care about, I just can't live without her and the pain of existing in a world without her is more than I can take. She was my world, my reason to live.

I live my worst nightmare each day and each day is worse than the last. Planning my own departure is the only thing that brings me peace these days.

Sending much love, if you ever want to talk just send me a message I am here for you if you need.

 

[cursedcure]

Sorry for you loss, I read your old posts, damn brought me to tears (not like that is hard these days), So tragic and so relatable. The way you write about that love is beautiful, I felt the same way about my wife from the first week I met her, and so did she.

I always thought our love was enough, and it was, I know she would have been lost long before if she hadn't met me, sounds like it was the same with you both, hold on to those memories and the love. I know had things gone differently this year she would still be here but it's fruitless to think this way. I am glad we shared the best years of our life together. Im sorry you didn't have longer together but to experience that kind of love is a gift.

This might sounds cold but I really don't care about the pain I inflict on others, I know it will be devastating for a lot of people I love and care about, I just can't live without her and the pain of existing in a world without her is more than I can take. She was my world, my reason to live.

I live my worst nightmare each day and each day is worse than the last. Planning my own departure is the only thing that brings me peace these days.

Sending much love, if you ever want to talk just send me a message I am here for you if you need.

yeah, i really feel lucky to have felt this love, this bond with someone. i know it was something different and it was doomed, but i still hold him up in my heart and wish i could feel him again. i had never thought i would find someone who i was fine with being with all the time. you're right, i didn't want to admit but he was my world too, and he also told me that many times. that i was his reason to live-it's a lot of pressure to put on someone but i was okay with it, i felt it too. i remember our heartbeats syncing when i laid my head on his chest, i remember his face with his eyes closed and smiling. and yes, i consider you lucky to have had so long with her- maybe even jealous. but the pain, the memories and the feelings go even deeper, it's a whole decade of your life. i think we were going that way too, the way everything felt meant to be, pure, so loving. not that it was always easy, it wasn't, seing my love suffer and him seeing me suffer were painful for the both of us. we wanted so bad to be normal and happy and live long! now that we had each other. we fell asleep holding hands every night. anyway, i also read a little bit of your posts and can relate, sadly, all too well. i can't imagine finding her too, i know my bf did it away so i didnt have to find him. well, i can pretend i know, but i feel like i know most of what he did even if it seemed incomprehensible at times. you can also message me anytime- i'm a good listener and we have much pain to share, unfortunately. i wish you the very best either way, i don't know how it's possible to come back from this…
and it's okay that you feel differently about leaving your other loved ones. i just feel for some in particular, wonder if they will accept it or try to join them too. i was kind of a mentor or big sister who did a lot of mistakes, but i feel so close to them in my heart and soul. i know this will destroy them. but i hope, and probably like my boyfriend hoped for me, that they will get over it. the situation is different too, i'm not talking too much about my suicidal feelings with them. i know they know i've had them for long, but i will make sur it will not be something they expected or that they feel like they could've changed the outcome.

 

[piddincir]

yeah, i really feel lucky to have felt this love, this bond with someone. i know it was something different and it was doomed, but i still hold him up in my heart and wish i could feel him again. i had never thought i would find someone who i was fine with being with all the time. you're right, i didn't want to admit but he was my world too, and he also told me that many times. that i was his reason to live-it's a lot of pressure to put on someone but i was okay with it, i felt it too. i remember our heartbeats syncing when i laid my head on his chest, i remember his face with his eyes closed and smiling. and yes, i consider you lucky to have had so long with her- maybe even jealous. but the pain, the memories and the feelings go even deeper, it's a whole decade of your life. i think we were going that way too, the way everything felt meant to be, pure, so loving. not that it was always easy, it wasn't, seing my love suffer and him seeing me suffer were painful for the both of us. we wanted so bad to be normal and happy and live long! now that we had each other. we fell asleep holding hands every night. anyway, i also read a little bit of your posts and can relate, sadly, all too well. i can't imagine finding her too, i know my bf did it away so i didnt have to find him. well, i can pretend i know, but i feel like i know most of what he did even if it seemed incomprehensible at times. you can also message me anytime- i'm a good listener and we have much pain to share, unfortunately. i wish you the very best either way, i don't know how it's possible to come back from this…
and it's okay that you feel differently about leaving your other loved ones. i just feel for some in particular, wonder if they will accept it or try to join them too. i was kind of a mentor or big sister who did a lot of mistakes, but i feel so close to them in my heart and soul. i know this will destroy them. but i hope, and probably like my boyfriend hoped for me, that they will get over it. the situation is different too, i'm not talking too much about my suicidal feelings with them. i know they know i've had them for long, but i will make sur it will not be something they expected or that they feel like they could've changed the outcome.

So sad to read, the way you write this is just so beautiful, I am reliving all those memories of what you had, we couldn't sleep if not in each others arms, how our hearts would sync, I held her hand every minute we were together I used to get up earlier than her naturally and always just like to watch her peacefully sleeping and smile. It's how she looked when I found her, just a dreamless slumber, I held her in my arms until the paramedics had to pull me off her.

My heart breaks for you, it's the worse kind of loss. To loose half yourself you cannot recover from. I am lucky for 10 years but your right the memories and connection just grows with this kind of love so in a way it's harder as our lives were so connected and we spent all out time together, she is everywhere. That said I know had this happened after 6 months I would have been just as devastated, I knew she was my forever person, and not having a chance to let that grow would just be unbearable, I feel your pain and I know it too well.

I guess my reaction to loved ones comes from the place that they already know I am lost, they know how connected we were over the 10 years they knew us, so they know to expect it or that its very possible, I dont want to hurt them but they will know why, my wife hid a lot of her suffering from me this year, I knew but not to the extent she did, it was hard but I know she did it to protect me and was always happy when we were together, sadly I couldn't be with her all the time. It's always hard on those left behind and it sounds like you have people who you truly care for you and it will be hard on them but hopefully they will come to accept you're at peace, like we have for our departed loves.

I truly hope you find peace and I am really heartbroken for you. The world is cruel to torture so many good souls

 

[cursedcure]

So sad to read, the way you write this is just so beautiful, I am reliving all those memories of what you had, we couldn't sleep if not in each others arms, how our hearts would sync, I held her hand every minute we were together I used to get up earlier than her naturally and always just like to watch her peacefully sleeping and smile. It's how she looked when I found her, just a dreamless slumber, I held her in my arms until the paramedics had to pull me off her.

My heart breaks for you, it's the worse kind of loss. To loose half yourself you cannot recover from. I am lucky for 10 years but your right the memories and connection just grows with this kind of love so in a way it's harder as our lives were so connected and we spent all out time together, she is everywhere. That said I know had this happened after 6 months I would have been just as devastated, I knew she was my forever person, and not having a chance to let that grow would just be unbearable, I feel your pain and I know it too well.

I guess my reaction to loved ones comes from the place that they already know I am lost, they know how connected we were over the 10 years they knew us, so they know to expect it or that its very possible, I dont want to hurt them but they will know why, my wife hid a lot of her suffering from me this year, I knew but not to the extent she did, it was hard but I know she did it to protect me and was always happy when we were together, sadly I couldn't be with her all the time. It's always hard on those left behind and it sounds like you have people who you truly care for you and it will be hard on them but hopefully they will come to accept you're at peace, like we have for our departed loves.

I truly hope you find peace and I am really heartbroken for you. The world is cruel to torture so many good souls

i am broken too, but i was glad to be strong for him, and i relate to always having to touch each other, we were kinda gross to be fair but i didn't have a care in the world. he had horrible insomnia and couldn't sleep without me. i'd do it all again and more, i'd never let his hand go even if was too warm. i relate also to your wife having a hard year but you didnt expect it that bad, i thought we were getting a little better slowly together. and we were, but it caught up to him at some point- i can't say i didn't see the signs, i did see them, that night in particular, he made me mad at him/tried to make me hate him and it did work. i let him leave, wearing my sandals. i yelled at him for that- probably one of the last thing i told him. i hope i said i love you, i can't recall all that happened that night because it's so blurry and traumatic. i know that not even 10 minutes after i texter him i was in bed, waiting for him. deep down i knew something happened, even if had these 'crises' quite often esp in last 2 months- i always ended up convincing him to try again just another day. i don't hate me for letting him go, but i hate the whole he left in my soul with the choice he made… anyway i should stop rambling, yes, i hope they will eventually accept and be happy maybe? that i finally have stopped suffering. i hope you find peace too, as soon as you want.

 

[dancesponge]