To preface this, I'm from the UK where treatment is a postcode lottery. I would not discourage anyone from not seeking support from services simply because of my experiences. I have benefitted from some services. And I know many people who had excellent experiences throughout and are now recovered.
At the moment, waiting lists to receive support are LONG to the point where people are hitting crisis before they can receive support for what was initially a simple case of depression. As a teenager, I was initially turned away from CAMHS, then placed on their waiting list. 10 months later I started receiving support in the community, this didn't work because of an incorrect diagnosis. I was receiving this support for 9 months until I declined so much I was involuntarily hospitalised. I remained in this situation for just over 2 years. CAMHS units are no place for a 15 year old. The hospitals overused restraint, the environments were unsafe, at times staff were abusive.
After 2 years of this, I improved enough to be allowed to leave. Even this was a complex process, I was 17 and supposed to be discharged into a supported living placement. However they couldn't find me anywhere to live, and so I was kept in a secure hospital under a section for 2 months when everyone, including my Doctor's knew I was ready to leave. Eventually I had to take my case to a tribunal, I won, and was discharged not to supported living but to my family home, despite the fact that my family had given up parental rights via Section 20. I was also left with a shit tonne of trauma from my hospital admissions
I then received community support for 18 months before being discharged suddenly because my support worker left and they weren't replacing her role.
Things were properly looking up at this point. I started campaigning, hearing about how my story isn't an uncommon one. I wrnt to parliament on multiple occasions to speak to MPs and share my story. I genuinely thought I was better and wanted to fight for change.
Fast forward 2 years from being unexpectedly discharged, I can feel things going downhill again so I reach out to my GP for a change in medication. This is agreed.
I then impulsively attempted to CTB, failed, got taken to hospital by ambulance with police. There I was assessed and told I was under a section 2. Then whilst I waited 12+ hours in the A+E to find out what was happening next, I found out that the Doctors who told me they sectioned me had decided that actually I wasn't sectioned and was free to go. (They failed to tell anyone, including the nurses on the ward.) The Doctor actually told me I was wasting everyone's time being in the hospital because I'd been discharged already.
I was then referred to a crisis house for some respite. I was at home for a couple of days waiting for a bed to become available. I was now under a Crisis Team. I called the Crisis team and asked for some clarity on what was going to happen at the crisis house and what I needed. I thought the phone call went well, but she forgot to hang up, and I hear her shit talking me (yay!)
I went to the crisis house and that was helpful, I left after a week and it was agreed the crisis team would visit me daily after I left to offer support. Their first contact with me was a week later.
Fast forward to New Years, I was staying with a friend in Wales because I knew it could be a tricky night. I felt the thoughts coming, and so followed my safety plan and called my crisis team. The guy hung up on me twice. By this point I was majorly disregulated and feeling impulsive. He then rang back, and when I explained how I was feeling (suicidal with a plan and in Wales) he told me "What do you expect me to do? I'm in Leeds, you're in Wales. What am I supposed to do? I can't help you." (My crisis plan very clearly states things that help me in these scenarios and he had access to that)
He then told me to hang up and call a different number because I'm in Wales and he can't help. So I hung up. Unfortunately I then impulsively attempted to CTB so it failed, and I was sectioned by the police. I had my assessment in the 136 suite, and they said I had capacity and was free to go. At this point it was 16:00 on New Year's day and I live 7 hours and 5 trains away. I was given a lift to the train station at least though.
It was on this journey that I found out that the person I had spoken to on the crisis line who had told me he couldn't help me because I was in Wales had called the police. Fair enough, except he forgot to mention that I was in Wales, and not in Leeds. Because of this, on New Year's morning the police had broken down my door, and went through all of my flat trying to find information about my whereabouts. A complete waste of police time.
I've been begging for support all my life and at every point either been turned away, or received support that actually made things worse. I've even campaigned for change.
I've been thinking a lot recently about CTB, because my username is no longer entirely accurate.
One thing I do know is that if I do decide to CTB, I want it to make a splash. I tried so hard whilst living to beg for help, to improve services for others. I want people to know that CTB is preventable but the system is broken and our government isn't doing enough to fix it.
That's a thread for another day though
At the moment, waiting lists to receive support are LONG to the point where people are hitting crisis before they can receive support for what was initially a simple case of depression. As a teenager, I was initially turned away from CAMHS, then placed on their waiting list. 10 months later I started receiving support in the community, this didn't work because of an incorrect diagnosis. I was receiving this support for 9 months until I declined so much I was involuntarily hospitalised. I remained in this situation for just over 2 years. CAMHS units are no place for a 15 year old. The hospitals overused restraint, the environments were unsafe, at times staff were abusive.
After 2 years of this, I improved enough to be allowed to leave. Even this was a complex process, I was 17 and supposed to be discharged into a supported living placement. However they couldn't find me anywhere to live, and so I was kept in a secure hospital under a section for 2 months when everyone, including my Doctor's knew I was ready to leave. Eventually I had to take my case to a tribunal, I won, and was discharged not to supported living but to my family home, despite the fact that my family had given up parental rights via Section 20. I was also left with a shit tonne of trauma from my hospital admissions
I then received community support for 18 months before being discharged suddenly because my support worker left and they weren't replacing her role.
Things were properly looking up at this point. I started campaigning, hearing about how my story isn't an uncommon one. I wrnt to parliament on multiple occasions to speak to MPs and share my story. I genuinely thought I was better and wanted to fight for change.
Fast forward 2 years from being unexpectedly discharged, I can feel things going downhill again so I reach out to my GP for a change in medication. This is agreed.
I then impulsively attempted to CTB, failed, got taken to hospital by ambulance with police. There I was assessed and told I was under a section 2. Then whilst I waited 12+ hours in the A+E to find out what was happening next, I found out that the Doctors who told me they sectioned me had decided that actually I wasn't sectioned and was free to go. (They failed to tell anyone, including the nurses on the ward.) The Doctor actually told me I was wasting everyone's time being in the hospital because I'd been discharged already.
I was then referred to a crisis house for some respite. I was at home for a couple of days waiting for a bed to become available. I was now under a Crisis Team. I called the Crisis team and asked for some clarity on what was going to happen at the crisis house and what I needed. I thought the phone call went well, but she forgot to hang up, and I hear her shit talking me (yay!)
I went to the crisis house and that was helpful, I left after a week and it was agreed the crisis team would visit me daily after I left to offer support. Their first contact with me was a week later.
Fast forward to New Years, I was staying with a friend in Wales because I knew it could be a tricky night. I felt the thoughts coming, and so followed my safety plan and called my crisis team. The guy hung up on me twice. By this point I was majorly disregulated and feeling impulsive. He then rang back, and when I explained how I was feeling (suicidal with a plan and in Wales) he told me "What do you expect me to do? I'm in Leeds, you're in Wales. What am I supposed to do? I can't help you." (My crisis plan very clearly states things that help me in these scenarios and he had access to that)
He then told me to hang up and call a different number because I'm in Wales and he can't help. So I hung up. Unfortunately I then impulsively attempted to CTB so it failed, and I was sectioned by the police. I had my assessment in the 136 suite, and they said I had capacity and was free to go. At this point it was 16:00 on New Year's day and I live 7 hours and 5 trains away. I was given a lift to the train station at least though.
It was on this journey that I found out that the person I had spoken to on the crisis line who had told me he couldn't help me because I was in Wales had called the police. Fair enough, except he forgot to mention that I was in Wales, and not in Leeds. Because of this, on New Year's morning the police had broken down my door, and went through all of my flat trying to find information about my whereabouts. A complete waste of police time.
I've been begging for support all my life and at every point either been turned away, or received support that actually made things worse. I've even campaigned for change.
I've been thinking a lot recently about CTB, because my username is no longer entirely accurate.
One thing I do know is that if I do decide to CTB, I want it to make a splash. I tried so hard whilst living to beg for help, to improve services for others. I want people to know that CTB is preventable but the system is broken and our government isn't doing enough to fix it.
That's a thread for another day though
