qualityOV3Rquantity
Experienced
- Jul 27, 2024
- 278
Right now I'm sitting in my backyard looking at the sunset. The colors are so vivid, pink blends into orange and blue becomes yellow. But I don't see any beauty in it. Or maybe I do, but the beauty is something totally outside myself, so far removed from me that even being in the presence of it is no different than if I read the phrase "a beautiful sunset" in a book.
Right now, my stomach hurts, I feel like I need to urinate despite going 10 times today (possible UTI), I have a headache, and worst of all, I hear an electronic squeal in my left ear, tinnitus that has been there for 4 months now.
2 of the things above are permanent, and 1 may soon become permanent. I cannot fucking bear this. How could my life get this bad? 10 years ago I cried and cried, wondering why I felt so empty and alone, not knowing that emptiness and loneliness would be nothing compared with the pain I would experience later.
I feel so strongly that I have reached the end of any good parts of my life. I felt that way before but my God, I had no fucking clue. I was wrong then. I still had my health, I still had a future. No more. I am no longer the person I was. I no longer have anything left.
How can I only be 25? Do I really have 50 fucking years left before I can get relief? This can't be real, it has to be some nightmare, but each time I wake up I'm overwhelmed by the reality of my situation, that my body has broken down, that it's all over.
How can a human being feel this way and still be alive? How can something so broken and damaged continue to breathe?
I don't want to die, I just want peace. But I don't think I can ever get a moment of peace again in my diseased and rotting body.
Please God make it fucking stop, I'm hopeless
Right now, my stomach hurts, I feel like I need to urinate despite going 10 times today (possible UTI), I have a headache, and worst of all, I hear an electronic squeal in my left ear, tinnitus that has been there for 4 months now.
2 of the things above are permanent, and 1 may soon become permanent. I cannot fucking bear this. How could my life get this bad? 10 years ago I cried and cried, wondering why I felt so empty and alone, not knowing that emptiness and loneliness would be nothing compared with the pain I would experience later.
I feel so strongly that I have reached the end of any good parts of my life. I felt that way before but my God, I had no fucking clue. I was wrong then. I still had my health, I still had a future. No more. I am no longer the person I was. I no longer have anything left.
How can I only be 25? Do I really have 50 fucking years left before I can get relief? This can't be real, it has to be some nightmare, but each time I wake up I'm overwhelmed by the reality of my situation, that my body has broken down, that it's all over.
How can a human being feel this way and still be alive? How can something so broken and damaged continue to breathe?
I don't want to die, I just want peace. But I don't think I can ever get a moment of peace again in my diseased and rotting body.
Please God make it fucking stop, I'm hopeless
