The suffering will only end when I die

[FuneralCry]

Just in case anybody actually ever reads this, this is just another boring post. It does feel quite pointless writing about this again and I try not to make many threads, but I guess it is a distraction. I wish I was sleeping though, it is getting late but as usual I am awake.

I wish I could make this life go away, but that is easier said than done. Even know I wish I wasn't, of course I am still here. It is just another day where I am tired of this life, I will never not feel tired. Of course things are hopeless and nothing will ever change for the better. I do not really want things to change, instead I just want to be gone. I know it would feel wrong for me to not be suicidal, I take comfort in thinking about my death. If I wasn't suicidal I would not be me. Other people have goals and future plans, but my only goal is to die. Wanting death is who I am. But really, what is the point when everyday is the same.

I do not see a point, when everyday is just suffering. I just have the same negative experience of life, day after day. Most things just brings me more pain and makes me feel worse. There will never be anything for me in this world, I have no place here. I think I hate being alive in itself, experiencing things, thoughts and feelings. It is all just so unnecessary and it hurts me. I am tired of being myself, there is no escape from me apart from death. I see myself as a ghost, I am never really alive, I am just here, still breathing. I can find something wrong in everything. I will never not be bothered by life. I am unable to accept this life.

Recently, I have been feeling more stressed and on edge, even things like voices upsets me. I just know that things will get worse and I know I will not be able to cope. I never feel relaxed, I know I have nightmares where all my worst fears become reality. I am scared of everything and life terrifies me. It can be a horrible feeling knowing there is just pain ahead. The only thing I look forward to is an escape from this life, the end of it all.

 

[devian]

fuck, i can definitely understand the feeling of suicide being who we are

it feels like the concept of the end of my life is this wreath that follows me around and keeps me in line. all i do is think about it, nowadays.

i hope your stress soothes, though, love, and that you eventually find a peace.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I hear ya. I feel just about the same unfortunately

 

[MeltedJello]

Death is my only goal too. I'm still waiting for the perfect chance to ctb, so I wish it was easier too.

I'm sorry you experience this pain & suffering everyday. Even if you think you're making another boring post, I'm sure many here can relate, and find comfort with your words. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I hope you can find the peace, and better sleep you're looking for.

 

[ikadasui]

The amount of mental anguish I suffer through daily has increased 10fold in just a short month. I can feel my already useless brain getting foggier by the day, pure pain and misery. Even today I was too mentally unstable to attend thanksgiving dinner and I'm on the verge of tears. I just wish I was never born it was so pointless and I have done nothing but suffer the past 10+ years of my life...

 

[Pure]

The amount of mental anguish I suffer through daily has increased 10fold in just a short month. I can feel my already useless brain getting foggier by the day, pure pain and misery. Even today I was too mentally unstable to attend thanksgiving dinner and I'm on the verge of tears. I just wish I was never born it was so pointless and I have done nothing but suffer the past 10+ years of my life...

Did I ghostwrite this

 

[Gurtinukkk]

I hear ya. Life is kicking me in the ass lately, especially with work and school. I can't quit my job because I need it for my university fees, and Uni is to have a shot at a somewhat better life. Doesn't help that my ED is kicking me in the ass too.

 

[_Minsk]

i can relate too well, i wish i could be of more help

 

[Pluto]

Sounds like you are highly sensitive. Me too. This world is not a great place for people like us with only a few exceptions. Wishing you peace.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Sending you comfort and healing thoughts. You are not alone and there's always us who's willing to listen and respond.

 

[wanttodie]

I feel just about the same

 

[hankbank3928]

Is sucks that ctb is so scary/difficult. Life is so cruel…

 

[AnestheticVoid]

I mean no offense by this post and I apologize beforehand if that's how it is taken.

Your posts truly make me sad. You always take the time to show compassion in your replies to other users and you've been here for almost 2 years. I don't know your story. At first reading your posts I thought oh this person definitely has the ideation but unwilling to commit to the decision which is 100% OK because that's just naturally where it starts.

I just want to say to you let yourself off the hook. That's something that'd I'd hear for people. It's a true statement but 99% of the time it's said with the intention of making you not suicidal but I believe it is true. It makes me sad because it seems like you are torturing yourself. That fucking sucks to me because it seems you are genuine person which is rare. I have a rop

 

[eyeroller]

I feel your pain especially when I have experienced hopelessness. I just want to say I belief you and that I'm sorry you had to endure so much.

I know how it is like being dismissed and made to feel that our suffering is some sort of bad choice we made. Regardless of what you choose, I wish you peace