FieldsofLavender
how real is joy, anyway?...
- Feb 7, 2023
- 123
When I was in my first year of highschool, my mind broke. I was fully bulimic, in a new school, with the new stressors of highschool. Midway through the year, during the middle of a drawing class, I had my first psychotic episode, and things only got worse and worse until I had been suspended until I got treated; it was schizophrenia. The few friends I had made were a bit scared of me at that point, and I was SHing at least three times a day, often between classes in the bathroom, at lunch, once I got home. I was in a lot of pain and was very, very afraid of how reality around me would change and scare me constantly. I can't remember what caused me to decide to ctb that evening, but I just decided I was done.
At the back of my campus, there was a large, 3 story building, with a retaining wall that stretched from the sidewalk all the way to the roof. It was at a near 45 degree angle, and was a little thin, but if you were careful you could use it to just walk right up to the roof. So that's what I did. After school, when nobody was around, I started up to the roof. I made it about to the top of the second floor when I hear footsteps. I looked away and saw a teacher on the sidewalk, headed towards me. He hadn't noticed me, and I realized if I didn't jump now he would see me and try to do something about it, so... I jumped. I rolled as I jumped kind of, but because of that, I actually landed on my feet and broke a bone and tore lots of tendons. I stumbled around a little and hit my head on the wall as I fell to the ground. My legs were in so, so much pain, but I knew there was no way I was dying from this. So I called out to the teacher who was passing.
...And he walked right past me. I cried and screamed for him, and he eventually ran back and asked if I was ok. He thought I was playing some prank. He asked what happened to me, and I said I fell. He looked around the empty sidewalk corridor I was lying in and said "Um, from where?" I pointed up the building, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head!! He said he would get someone to help, as he didn't have his phone.
Eventually, he came back with the vice principal. She asked "what happened?" and I said I fell, and just like the teacher, she asked "From where?" I again pointed up the building, and begged her to call an ambulance. Like with the teacher, her jaw dropped and she was shocked, and again said "I don't have my phone on me, let me go get someone!!" She ran off, and after a minute she came back with another woman, the receptionist. She asked what happened again, and I said I fell again, and she said from where again, and when I said again she looked just as shocked as the two before her, and I was starting to think I was hallucinating this too. She said she would go back to the office to call my parents and an ambulance. After a while of me writhing on the ground in pain, bleeding all over the floor from where my head hit the wall, she returned and said that my parents were on their way, and that it would be 45 minutes for an ambulance.
I was sobbing on the ground at this point, and eventually when my parents and the ambulance arrived, all I could feel was the pain of my legs, throbbing and swollen inside my tight jeans. The ambulance cut off my jacket, which I begged them not to do because it was my favorite and really expensive, but they did it anyway, and when it took it off it revealed all of my SH scars to the people who were gathered around now. I had to tell my parents about it once we got to the hospital, which wasn't fun because I had been hiding it on purpose for years, but it was fine. I ended up lying and saying I had no intention of trying to kill myself, so people don't really know about it, but... It's a silly story, sometimes I still laugh at how somehow nobody was prepared and how everyone just asked the same thing, over and over, while I'm writhing and crying and bleeding and my legs are broken, it's just... Kinda funny to me, I dunno.
I hope this wasn't too weird or boring or specific to share or whatever, ehehe. Thank you for reading, love you all!
(Tell me if this is like... TMI or whatever and I can remove it or whittle it down, ehehe... S-sorry...)
At the back of my campus, there was a large, 3 story building, with a retaining wall that stretched from the sidewalk all the way to the roof. It was at a near 45 degree angle, and was a little thin, but if you were careful you could use it to just walk right up to the roof. So that's what I did. After school, when nobody was around, I started up to the roof. I made it about to the top of the second floor when I hear footsteps. I looked away and saw a teacher on the sidewalk, headed towards me. He hadn't noticed me, and I realized if I didn't jump now he would see me and try to do something about it, so... I jumped. I rolled as I jumped kind of, but because of that, I actually landed on my feet and broke a bone and tore lots of tendons. I stumbled around a little and hit my head on the wall as I fell to the ground. My legs were in so, so much pain, but I knew there was no way I was dying from this. So I called out to the teacher who was passing.
...And he walked right past me. I cried and screamed for him, and he eventually ran back and asked if I was ok. He thought I was playing some prank. He asked what happened to me, and I said I fell. He looked around the empty sidewalk corridor I was lying in and said "Um, from where?" I pointed up the building, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head!! He said he would get someone to help, as he didn't have his phone.
Eventually, he came back with the vice principal. She asked "what happened?" and I said I fell, and just like the teacher, she asked "From where?" I again pointed up the building, and begged her to call an ambulance. Like with the teacher, her jaw dropped and she was shocked, and again said "I don't have my phone on me, let me go get someone!!" She ran off, and after a minute she came back with another woman, the receptionist. She asked what happened again, and I said I fell again, and she said from where again, and when I said again she looked just as shocked as the two before her, and I was starting to think I was hallucinating this too. She said she would go back to the office to call my parents and an ambulance. After a while of me writhing on the ground in pain, bleeding all over the floor from where my head hit the wall, she returned and said that my parents were on their way, and that it would be 45 minutes for an ambulance.
I was sobbing on the ground at this point, and eventually when my parents and the ambulance arrived, all I could feel was the pain of my legs, throbbing and swollen inside my tight jeans. The ambulance cut off my jacket, which I begged them not to do because it was my favorite and really expensive, but they did it anyway, and when it took it off it revealed all of my SH scars to the people who were gathered around now. I had to tell my parents about it once we got to the hospital, which wasn't fun because I had been hiding it on purpose for years, but it was fine. I ended up lying and saying I had no intention of trying to kill myself, so people don't really know about it, but... It's a silly story, sometimes I still laugh at how somehow nobody was prepared and how everyone just asked the same thing, over and over, while I'm writhing and crying and bleeding and my legs are broken, it's just... Kinda funny to me, I dunno.
I hope this wasn't too weird or boring or specific to share or whatever, ehehe. Thank you for reading, love you all!
(Tell me if this is like... TMI or whatever and I can remove it or whittle it down, ehehe... S-sorry...)
you stuck to your promise! Sorry about the jacket :-/ at least it's replaceable
