Venting the small things

[slipnslideal]

I had a more or less normal upbringing. My family was poor, but my parents always managed to make ends meet and did the best they could to mask us from the perils of poverty. As is the case for other poor families though, my parents focused more on survival. They weren't able to provide us with much emotional support, and as a result, emotional intelligence is an issue my siblings and I grapple with.

We had our fair share of family problems. Throughout my early teens my family has been in a constant flight or flight mode, we became an every man for himself kind of family. Apart from holidays, and the occasional birthday celebrations, I cannot remember the last time we had a proper family dinner.

Despite this shaky foundation, I can say that I enjoyed my teens. I went to a proper high school and met great people. I found my passion in the sciences. I met my partner. But the kinks in my emotional development started to show. I grew a habit of lying about myself which, I understand now, was a wall I built to protect myself and was a way to cover my insecurities. I grew complacent, irresponsible, I developed a disgusting view of myself, and I feel an eternal sense of guilt that never seemed to go away, all these things I carry with me even in these final days. A combination of these issues lead to a lonely, hurtful life. Now in my early twenties, I never managed to cultivate any deep friendships. I pushed away help from the nicest of people. My relationship with my partner became a constant struggle. I started failing classes for the first time. All these issues welled up inside of me and I took an unexpected leave from university which delayed my graduation a year. My parents, rather reluctantly, continued to support me despite this.

Things aren't perfect now, but things are definitely looking up for them. My partner was able to land a fantastic job. My siblings are stable. My parents are taking frequent trips to their hometown in anticipation of their retirement once I graduate supposedly next year. It is such a shame that my death will ruin all of this just when things seem to start falling into place.

I plan to exit in a few weeks. I have already sourced SN, and antiemetics. I have started on my notes. It's just funny how these things get to me. These things are supposed to make me cling to life, but I just feel as if it's a hindrance to my peace. As I write it now I realize how selfish this whole things is.

It's the small things really. The research conference I am supposed to join in a few weeks. The emails explaining my class absences that I will never get to send. The data analysis project that I will never finish. Games I will never play on my new gaming laptop. The countries I will never visit, movies I will never see, books I will never finish or get to start.

I have been so obsessed with the logistics, the rationalization of my thoughts that I overlooked a lot.

 

[IsTodayTheDay]

I'm here for similar reasons. I don't have some life-altering traumatic event or lengths of hardship, I just walked through the relatively mediocre life offered to me. I isolate myself often, but that's because I trust myself best with my thoughts. It's going to be a bombshell for everyone in my vicinity, but it is what it is.
I feel like an impostor here, with people experiencing horrendous things since birth. And I've just deliberated for a long time.
My isolation has warped my own perspective immensely. Many people would call me their friend, but I don't know if I can believe that. I don't interact whatsoever outside of the few in-person meetings.

I still think you have a fighting chance. Your parents entering retirement should make them more approachable people. I know retirement won't instantly "fix" them, but they should be much more approachable. Their struggle is over; they can focus on what they care about. They still care about you and want you to succeed.
You are entering a hole regarding your college classes, but your purpose is redeemable. You still have a light at the end of the tunnel. It would take great mental fortitude, but if you did take action to pull yourself out of the whole, you could resolve your problems.
As for your partner...as obvious and unproductive as it sounds, you should talk to them. It doesn't have to be about this plan; it doesn't even have to be about much. Just start slow with lettering them know how you're feeling, or what you're thinking about. It will build trust in your own view, and you may begin feeling truly comfortable expressing your emotions to them.

Whichever way you choose, I wish you well <3