The silence is deafening

[moondazed]

I've attempted to CTB on multiple occasions the last 12 years. The first was a very serious attempt to OD. I took probably over 60mg Xanax, 100mg of Librium, a sincere amount of alcohol to down it, and a handful of other pills lying around my apartment. I was unconscious for 3 days but eventually came to, and went to the hospital (they said I must have had a "strong will to live"). Since then I fell into a life of drugs and partying, until I eventually tried to get my shit together and went back to college. I graduated college 2 years ago (at 30) and have recently gotten a "good" job in my field. I thought that's what I needed, something to strive for. But even a year an a half into this job, I still feel empty.

I had a rough childhood. My family loved me but didn't have the means to raise me with stability, so I was shuffled between parents and grandparents. Then at 16 my 18 y/o sister died in a traffic accident. That broke my already broken family even more. We don't celebrate holidays, and at this point, I hardly talk to them. I moved to a big city for my job when I graduated, and I've not been able to make friends. I have pretty severe adhd, major depression, general anxiety, the works. I try and meditate daily, I read self help and other psych books to try and get a grapple on my mental health. Have done therapy regularly until recently, as I wasn't finding any use in the "how does that make you feel" paradigm of therapy. I tend to make a lot of mistakes in my work and personal life. Forgetting to do little tidbits and getting chastised by roommates or coworkers for such things. There is an air of pity around me that I think keeps people from getting too upset. I just wish I were better.

I am a decently attractive person, a little short for a cis male, but I get plenty of attention that I'm not self conscious about that. I went on a date last week, it was nice and we just got ice cream and walked around town. I could tell she wasn't really into me and my offer for a second date wasn't accepted and her texts have essentially dropped off. My main interests lie in like… ancient philosophy and mythology, art and music, gaming and fantasy stuff, among gardening, plants and lizards. Despite having a niche swath of interests, my past is so littered with darkness that I can't bring myself to really share it. But it always seeps out unintentionally. I hate that I'm such a "bad vibe". It's either pity or straight "ick". I don't really even care for romance all that much, but I'm terribly anxious in group setting so dating is the easiest way to have 1 on 1 chats. My last romantic partner killed herself last year, on my dead sisters birthday. This was the first date I've been on since. Sometimes I feel cursed.

I don't want to die, well, not by my own hand. I really could not do that to my parents. But, I can't help but feel like I truly am a burden. I'm 32 years old and I feel like a child who needs to be cared for. I don't want that. I can take care of myself financially, but I'm so chronically alone and have anxiety attacks way too regularly. Even my gamer friends eventually pull away from me because, idk, I'm a negative energy?

I have the awareness to know "this too shall pass" but, it hasn't passed. Not after years of desperately trying. I think the world would be better if I weren't here to drain it. There are so many people with friends and lovers and families and have joy as a regular staple, and I don't have that. I don't know if I ever will. It physically hurts to keep going. I don't know what to do. I'm just venting. I don't know where else to go.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Hi! First of all I'm sorry to hear that life has been tough for you (especially in the past). It always makes me sad hearing that somebody have had a difficul childhood because I think it's one of the most important phases of one's life.

I've attempted to CTB on multiple occasions the last 12 years. The first was a very serious attempt to OD. I took probably over 60mg Xanax, 100mg of Librium, a sincere amount of alcohol to down it, and a handful of other pills lying around my apartment. I was unconscious for 3 days but eventually came to, and went to the hospital

I wanted to ask you a few things about the time you OD, because I intend to mix more or less the same amount of xanax with olanzapine and ctb that way.

1. How did you feel when you woke up after those three days? What was your condition?
2. Did you kept any permanent damage after the failed attempt?
3. What do you remember of the experience? Did you feel anything while you were unconscious?

These would be very crucial informations for me so I can't thank you enough if you decide to share them!

 

[moondazed]

Hi! First of all I'm sorry to hear that life has been tough for you (especially in the past). It always makes me sad hearing that somebody have had a difficul childhood because I think it's one of the most important phases of one's life.



I wanted to ask you a few things about the time you OD, because I intend to mix more or less the same amount of xanax with olanzapine and ctb that way.

1. How did you feel when you woke up after those three days? What was your condition?
2. Did you kept any permanent damage after the failed attempt?
3. What do you remember of the experience? Did you feel anything while you were unconscious?

These would be very crucial informations for me so I can't thank you enough if you decide to share them!

1. I felt very groggy. I couldn't think straight for at least a week or two afterwards. My memory was absolutely shot, for at least a year or two.
2. Yeah, memory issues being the number one thing. I likely did some permanent brain damage. I think I recovered eventually but not 100%. I used to be pretty sharp but I am a bit slower now. Not sure if that's just general aging or what.
3. No. I took the drugs, cried and wrote a letter, blacked out and then I woke up 3 days later

Benzos are not easy to OD to CTB on. It's a risky way. You will likely become a half conscious zombie and you could end up doing something in your doped up state that makes think a lot, lot worse when you come to. Keep that in mind.

 

[SmollMushroom]

1. I felt very groggy. I couldn't think straight for at least a week or two afterwards. My memory was absolutely shot, for at least a year or two.
2. Yeah, memory issues being the number one thing. I likely did some permanent brain damage. I think I recovered eventually but not 100%. I used to be pretty sharp but I am a bit slower now. Not sure if that's just general aging or what.
3. No. I took the drugs, cried and wrote a letter, blacked out and then I woke up 3 days later

NYAAAAAAAAA now I'm scared >.<

But thank you... I guess I needed these informations... My mix will be different anyways...
I liked the last reply tho. Not that you cried of course... Like, the part when you didn't feel anything.

I think I'll leave a bottle of water and some snacks next to me before doing it. In case I fail I imagine I will need water.

Did you call an ambulance by yourself? Did you feel like you needed it?

 

[moondazed]

NYAAAAAAAAA now I'm scared >.<

But thank you... I guess I needed these informations... My mix will be different anyways...
I liked the last reply tho. Not that you cried of course... Like, the part when you didn't feel anything.

I think I'll leave a bottle of water and some snacks next to me before doing it. In case I fail I imagine I will need water.

Did you call an ambulance by yourself? Did you feel like you needed it?

No after I woke up I had enough strength to stand and walk. My roommate ended up taking my to the hospital where they did some tests. They just let me go on my way with a recommendation to see a doctor. Not sure how I got out of going to a psych ward.

 

[SmollMushroom]

No after I woke up I had enough strength to stand and walk. My roommate ended up taking my to the hospital where they did some tests. They just let me go on my way with a recommendation to see a doctor. Not sure how I got out of going to a psych ward.

Ahhh thank you! <3
This is very reassuring :3
I will have nobody around so the last thing I want is like waking up and not have the strenght to do anything and just die trapped in my body
You know when you want to move an arm during the sleep, but it doesn't move because your brain is still in sleep-paralysis mode - but you are actually conscious. It's awful.

In any case, thank you very much for sharing these very important infos with me! If you feel alone and want to chat some more my DMs are open ^^
Even tho you probably need to post some more messages before you can DM people, as you are a new member! But I'll wait :3

 

[81-Z@P@D]

I mean you've got a good job, I would'nt worry about being a 'drain' on others or the world: there people whom are an exponential detriment to society and they don't feel an ounce of shame over their actions (Sam Bankman Fried), so don't sweat it.

 

[ThisUnrest]

Sorry to hear about all your troubles and that your date didnt work out. You have had so many tragedies, both your sister and your girlfriend gone - how terrible! I wish i could help you feel better, it's awful to feel so alone. And very hard to make friends these days. I like to meditate too, guided meditations help me stay calm from horrible anxiety attacks. Welcome to SS, it's a nice place to be. Wishing you peace and comfort.

 

[moondazed]

I mean you've got a good job, I would'nt worry about being a 'drain' on others or the world: there people whom are an exponential detriment to society and they don't feel an ounce of shame over their actions (Sam Bankman Fried), so don't sweat it.

Lol yeah. It's still a corporate hell, just not nearly as bad as other corporate hells I think. Gotta recognize the blessings we do have I suppose

 

[real human being]

I feel like normies often think that if you're unhappy it's because you're doing something wrong, you aren't taking life 'seriously' or whatever else, but the truth is this world is just fucked and happiness seems impossible for some of us. It's not as simple as getting a job, or getting a girlfriend, or whatever other bullshit people use as a scapegoat to avoid engaging with the crippling loneliness and depression some of us go through. Thinking about it makes me a bit angry from time to time. I really hope you can feel better.