Venting The sad, pathetic state of my life, and how I can't figure out what to do next at 21 years old.

[ConfusedHurting2632]

As the title says I'm 21 years old...on the vast majority of days I can't bring myself to shower or brush my teeth, I mostly just lay in bed all day and maybe watch TV if I can even bring myself to do that...otherwise, I just stare at the walls. I live with my parents. I don't work. I don't study or go to school. I don't drive or have a license. I almost never go outside...almost basically never. I never exercise. I don't really have any hobbies, interests, or passions either.

I've been suicidal since I was 17, depressed since I was 13, and at 6 years old in kindergarten I had anxiety and was often quite sad/scared. I was able to graduate high school at 18 years old, but just barely. Due to my poor mental state I basically stopped going to school altogether, but thanks to COVID and online school I was still able to pass the 12th grade. Actually, the reason I became suicidal at age 17, 11th grade, was a straw that broke the camel's back situation with my grades for AP Statistics and AP Biology being bad...I was already depressed for years for a multitude of different reasons: lack of friends, never fitting in with people, being made fun of, sucking at almost everything I did (whether it was sports or video games or art/drawing), negative interactions with people online, etc...but at least my grades were always pretty alright...till they weren't, and I was getting D's and F's left and right on AP Statistics and AP Biology assignments. So I wasn't even good at school grades anymore. I became suicidal, had my first suicide attempt, and failed...then the 11th grade year closed off with barely passing grades on those two subjects. And I wanted to drop out of school going into 12th grade. I barely passed.

Since then, I've basically just been home doing nothing. To be more specific, at age 19 I did try to take the driver's license written test...but I failed it. I tried reading the driver's handbook the best I could, but the info just never sunk in, and still doesn't if I try to read it today. And then at age 21, about 2-3 months ago, I did try to apply to Universal's Cabana Bay for an associate merchandise job...and I was able to work for exactly one day, but my fear and anxiety got the best of me, and I couldn't bring myself to go back a second day, and I found having a job very complicated, and was worried about worst case scenario stuff like if a customer got super angry.

As for figuring out what to do next, besides just laying in bed doing nothing...I have some options, but all of them seem impossible and unappealing to me. I could go to college (or more specifically community college)...I could try getting another job...I could try joining the military...I could try learning a trade...I could try learning through a professional course...I could get my driver's license...etc. But there are problems with all of these, and the problems lie within' me. The easiest option out of all these would be the driver's license, but I literally can't bring myself to read the handbook for the written test, and my brain shuts off within' reading just a few words. I have serious issues with reading and paying attention, though I haven't officially been diagnosed with ADHD or anything. The most difficult of all these options would be the military, and from what people say I don't know if it'd be a good option for me in a million years, since I'm already depressed and suicidal, and the military can greatly exacerbate these problems. It's also very stressful and meant to break you down physically and mentally. Besides all that, I'm extremely averse to physical activity and exercise in general, and probably wouldn't even meet the military prerequisites anyway. To give you an idea of how bad I am, I can't even do a single pushup, unless it's from the knees, and even then it's painful. But the reason I even consider it is because some people insist the military is the best thing that ever happened to them and changed their life for the better and had so many benefits, despite all the pain, hardships, and discipline. There is a small chance it may help me that way, but most likely and realistically, it would just completely make me break down in tears and make me want to kill myself even more. Moving on from the military, we've got college...most likely, I'd go to college a little bit, but the second I got a bad grade I would have a complete and total mental breakdown and want to drop out, just like I did after 11th grade happened. Then another job...what if the fear and anxiety kicked in again, and I also couldn't bring myself to come a second day? Or even if I was able to hold out a little longer, the second I had a bad day on the job I'd most likely want to drop out on the spot. As for learning through a trade or professional course...similar problems, I probably just wouldn't be able to dedicate myself enough.

Besides just killing myself, which I hope to be able to do before the year turns (January 1, 2023) or at least before my 22nd birthday (July 20, 2023), I absolutely can't figure out what to do next with my life. I could go to community college, try getting a job, join the military, try learning a trade, try learning through a professional course, or I could get my driver's license; but everything just seems so hard and impossible, and I know I'd probably just chicken out of everything anyway.

I don't know what I'm looking to get out of this post. Help or advice. Would I even take the help or advice if I can't even take my own help or advice? I don't know. Did I just want to vent or share my story? I don't know. But here I am anyway. I just felt like writing and posting this somewhere.

 

[Pluto]

When I was your age, I was in almost exactly the same situation.

Firstly, sorry to sound like a nagging parent but always brush your teeth no matter what. They are very costly and painful to fix in later years. Everything else (fitness, hygiene) is easily reversable if the situation improves.

Secondly, I feel concerned for the fact that you have lived your life in that state with no apparent source of support. It comes across like you are being left to fend for yourself with all sorts of anxiety, no one to talk to, no one pushing you. I don't have any evidence to make accusations in your case, but for me, my parents were actively holding me back, belittling me, neglecting me and setting me up to fail for their own sadistic gratification, but to outsiders it always looked like I was just a crappy disappointing son. I would like to scrutinise their role in this.

When it comes to strategies, it makes sense to go for low-hanging fruit first. Licence, employment, financial independence and working towards some sort of social life. The military can have an extremely hypermasculine toxic bully culture - I doubt I would last long. Though roles vary and some could be quite exciting.

I wish you (and others in this situation) lived close to me because I'm a driving instructor. After what I have been through, I feel very passionate about not seeing it happen to others.

 

[darkcirclesunder]

Wow 21 is so young to give up. I am 26 and 27 and i let my early 20s fly by me, and deeply regret it. You really have to just start being around people more, you need to find a job as a waiter, coffee barista or something. Just start drinking a ton of orange juice and sit outside on a warm sunny day and think about giving up at the age of 21. I wish you peace in whatever you may do. Im 26 almost 27 and feel like its almost over, but realistically its not over until you completely give up.

 

[DisillusionedDragon]

Hm. This is always easier said than done, but try to find something you want to do or at least don't mind doing. What do you want? What did you want in the past? Try to find some fire within, even if it's almost extinct, and try to foster that fire.
Other than that I would say that trying to go outside more could be very helpful. And try to get some kind of routine, including brushing your teeth.
I am sorry you apparently didn't receive (enough) support. That is one of the most important things in life. But maybe you can seek and find it now? Try to connect with others, online and irl. Good people, ones that want to support you. But I know they are hard to find. I don't have anyone myself.
But maybe even more important than that is distancing yourself from people that influence you in a negative way. If you have people like that in your life do that first, if possible.

You are not a failure and I think you definitely have a chance at a good life, and you deserve it,

 

[freedompass]

As the title says I'm 21 years old...on the vast majority of days I can't bring myself to shower or brush my teeth, I mostly just lay in bed all day and maybe watch TV if I can even bring myself to do that...otherwise, I just stare at the walls. I live with my parents. I don't work. I don't study or go to school. I don't drive or have a license. I almost never go outside...almost basically never. I never exercise. I don't really have any hobbies, interests, or passions either.

I've been suicidal since I was 17, depressed since I was 13, and at 6 years old in kindergarten I had anxiety and was often quite sad/scared. I was able to graduate high school at 18 years old, but just barely. Due to my poor mental state I basically stopped going to school altogether, but thanks to COVID and online school I was still able to pass the 12th grade. Actually, the reason I became suicidal at age 17, 11th grade, was a straw that broke the camel's back situation with my grades for AP Statistics and AP Biology being bad...I was already depressed for years for a multitude of different reasons: lack of friends, never fitting in with people, being made fun of, sucking at almost everything I did (whether it was sports or video games or art/drawing), negative interactions with people online, etc...but at least my grades were always pretty alright...till they weren't, and I was getting D's and F's left and right on AP Statistics and AP Biology assignments. So I wasn't even good at school grades anymore. I became suicidal, had my first suicide attempt, and failed...then the 11th grade year closed off with barely passing grades on those two subjects. And I wanted to drop out of school going into 12th grade. I barely passed.

Since then, I've basically just been home doing nothing. To be more specific, at age 19 I did try to take the driver's license written test...but I failed it. I tried reading the driver's handbook the best I could, but the info just never sunk in, and still doesn't if I try to read it today. And then at age 21, about 2-3 months ago, I did try to apply to Universal's Cabana Bay for an associate merchandise job...and I was able to work for exactly one day, but my fear and anxiety got the best of me, and I couldn't bring myself to go back a second day, and I found having a job very complicated, and was worried about worst case scenario stuff like if a customer got super angry.

As for figuring out what to do next, besides just laying in bed doing nothing...I have some options, but all of them seem impossible and unappealing to me. I could go to college (or more specifically community college)...I could try getting another job...I could try joining the military...I could try learning a trade...I could try learning through a professional course...I could get my driver's license...etc. But there are problems with all of these, and the problems lie within' me. The easiest option out of all these would be the driver's license, but I literally can't bring myself to read the handbook for the written test, and my brain shuts off within' reading just a few words. I have serious issues with reading and paying attention, though I haven't officially been diagnosed with ADHD or anything. The most difficult of all these options would be the military, and from what people say I don't know if it'd be a good option for me in a million years, since I'm already depressed and suicidal, and the military can greatly exacerbate these problems. It's also very stressful and meant to break you down physically and mentally. Besides all that, I'm extremely averse to physical activity and exercise in general, and probably wouldn't even meet the military prerequisites anyway. To give you an idea of how bad I am, I can't even do a single pushup, unless it's from the knees, and even then it's painful. But the reason I even consider it is because some people insist the military is the best thing that ever happened to them and changed their life for the better and had so many benefits, despite all the pain, hardships, and discipline. There is a small chance it may help me that way, but most likely and realistically, it would just completely make me break down in tears and make me want to kill myself even more. Moving on from the military, we've got college...most likely, I'd go to college a little bit, but the second I got a bad grade I would have a complete and total mental breakdown and want to drop out, just like I did after 11th grade happened. Then another job...what if the fear and anxiety kicked in again, and I also couldn't bring myself to come a second day? Or even if I was able to hold out a little longer, the second I had a bad day on the job I'd most likely want to drop out on the spot. As for learning through a trade or professional course...similar problems, I probably just wouldn't be able to dedicate myself enough.

Besides just killing myself, which I hope to be able to do before the year turns (January 1, 2023) or at least before my 22nd birthday (July 20, 2023), I absolutely can't figure out what to do next with my life. I could go to community college, try getting a job, join the military, try learning a trade, try learning through a professional course, or I could get my driver's license; but everything just seems so hard and impossible, and I know I'd probably just chicken out of everything anyway.

I don't know what I'm looking to get out of this post. Help or advice. Would I even take the help or advice if I can't even take my own help or advice? I don't know. Did I just want to vent or share my story? I don't know. But here I am anyway. I just felt like writing and posting this somewhere.

You have another option. Get help with your mental health. Not saying it's great, or always works, but at least try? Clearly your anxiety and depression are making all the other things difficult…therapy could help you figure out how things got this bad, right?

 

[makethepainstop]

As the title says I'm 21 years old...on the vast majority of days I can't bring myself to shower or brush my teeth, I mostly just lay in bed all day and maybe watch TV if I can even bring myself to do that...otherwise, I just stare at the walls. I live with my parents. I don't work. I don't study or go to school. I don't drive or have a license. I almost never go outside...almost basically never. I never exercise. I don't really have any hobbies, interests, or passions either.

I've been suicidal since I was 17, depressed since I was 13, and at 6 years old in kindergarten I had anxiety and was often quite sad/scared. I was able to graduate high school at 18 years old, but just barely. Due to my poor mental state I basically stopped going to school altogether, but thanks to COVID and online school I was still able to pass the 12th grade. Actually, the reason I became suicidal at age 17, 11th grade, was a straw that broke the camel's back situation with my grades for AP Statistics and AP Biology being bad...I was already depressed for years for a multitude of different reasons: lack of friends, never fitting in with people, being made fun of, sucking at almost everything I did (whether it was sports or video games or art/drawing), negative interactions with people online, etc...but at least my grades were always pretty alright...till they weren't, and I was getting D's and F's left and right on AP Statistics and AP Biology assignments. So I wasn't even good at school grades anymore. I became suicidal, had my first suicide attempt, and failed...then the 11th grade year closed off with barely passing grades on those two subjects. And I wanted to drop out of school going into 12th grade. I barely passed.

Since then, I've basically just been home doing nothing. To be more specific, at age 19 I did try to take the driver's license written test...but I failed it. I tried reading the driver's handbook the best I could, but the info just never sunk in, and still doesn't if I try to read it today. And then at age 21, about 2-3 months ago, I did try to apply to Universal's Cabana Bay for an associate merchandise job...and I was able to work for exactly one day, but my fear and anxiety got the best of me, and I couldn't bring myself to go back a second day, and I found having a job very complicated, and was worried about worst case scenario stuff like if a customer got super angry.

As for figuring out what to do next, besides just laying in bed doing nothing...I have some options, but all of them seem impossible and unappealing to me. I could go to college (or more specifically community college)...I could try getting another job...I could try joining the military...I could try learning a trade...I could try learning through a professional course...I could get my driver's license...etc. But there are problems with all of these, and the problems lie within' me. The easiest option out of all these would be the driver's license, but I literally can't bring myself to read the handbook for the written test, and my brain shuts off within' reading just a few words. I have serious issues with reading and paying attention, though I haven't officially been diagnosed with ADHD or anything. The most difficult of all these options would be the military, and from what people say I don't know if it'd be a good option for me in a million years, since I'm already depressed and suicidal, and the military can greatly exacerbate these problems. It's also very stressful and meant to break you down physically and mentally. Besides all that, I'm extremely averse to physical activity and exercise in general, and probably wouldn't even meet the military prerequisites anyway. To give you an idea of how bad I am, I can't even do a single pushup, unless it's from the knees, and even then it's painful. But the reason I even consider it is because some people insist the military is the best thing that ever happened to them and changed their life for the better and had so many benefits, despite all the pain, hardships, and discipline. There is a small chance it may help me that way, but most likely and realistically, it would just completely make me break down in tears and make me want to kill myself even more. Moving on from the military, we've got college...most likely, I'd go to college a little bit, but the second I got a bad grade I would have a complete and total mental breakdown and want to drop out, just like I did after 11th grade happened. Then another job...what if the fear and anxiety kicked in again, and I also couldn't bring myself to come a second day? Or even if I was able to hold out a little longer, the second I had a bad day on the job I'd most likely want to drop out on the spot. As for learning through a trade or professional course...similar problems, I probably just wouldn't be able to dedicate myself enough.

Besides just killing myself, which I hope to be able to do before the year turns (January 1, 2023) or at least before my 22nd birthday (July 20, 2023), I absolutely can't figure out what to do next with my life. I could go to community college, try getting a job, join the military, try learning a trade, try learning through a professional course, or I could get my driver's license; but everything just seems so hard and impossible, and I know I'd probably just chicken out of everything anyway.

I don't know what I'm looking to get out of this post. Help or advice. Would I even take the help or advice if I can't even take my own help or advice? I don't know. Did I just want to vent or share my story? I don't know. But here I am anyway. I just felt like writing and posting this somewhere.

Dude, I think you are suffering from deep depression. Maybe try to get some counseling or meds? No one at 21 knows what they want, or at least very few KNOW what they want to do with the rest of their lives. Much love to you, whatever you decide.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can certainly be tiring having to endure this life. I hope that in whatever you decide, you find relief from your suffering.