PrettyKitty
Angel
- Mar 27, 2023
- 180
Hi, My name is Nikita and I'm 18 this website has truly given me a place to say my truth and find my path in life for the better or worse.
I've had quite a few posts and goodbye threads but I guess even if I failed a couple time my life will never be complete and my soul purpose is death.
I will see my friend in less than 5 days than after I will find away to kill myself and I will try multiple methods at once If I have to make sure it works.
I have Body Dysmorphia so If you could tell me If I'm fat or not it would be helpful its been messing with my head a lot thank you.
My reasons
Body Issues/Eating problemsI worry about my body everyday to the point I pinch every little fat and say I'm disgusting, insecure about every little thing its getting to me I can never be at peace with my body I've tried over 30 diets and I tried different ways of working out to try and be skinny or like a model but I never can and It's killing me from inside. I've never got to live normally and at one point I had anorexia/bulimia and even then I was never very skinny. I'm a no good human being who fails, I've been on a strict diet now for half a year as another attempt and lost weight but still never good enough or skinny enough I have fat legs I try so hard to get rid of its one of the things pushing me to death not being perfect enough.
Mental illness
I suffer with BPD and Social Anxiety Disorder and PTSD
I've tried counselors many of them and different meds which some of made me worse to the point I hanged myself and almost died (I usually wouldn't go as far to commit unless very distressed but these meds made my brain do it) I suffer daily with constant mood swings feeling mad, sad, happy and numb stage(aka where I don't feel anything and I think the whole world is fake and everything is all in my head). My family is sick of me and what I do when I'm mad (cry and shake on the floor or kick things or hurt myself or bang my head against the wall) I never hurt them no matter how angry I get but I feel sad I scare them. When I come to talk to them they assume I'm talking about my body and asking if I'm fat or about mental illness and just tell me to go away.
I have no one who really gets it.
Other reasons I've gone into more detail about on other posts on here
Being born with Lyme disease and being very poor from trying to get medicine that my mom stole money
Going to a treatment place for Lyme disease and meeting another girl there at age 9-10 I lost that bestfriend I made there to cancer
Having mental breakdowns starting at age 11-12 and cutting to cope and being sent to mental hospitals and seeing doctors
Dads Mental and Physical Abuse starting at 11-12 and I was to scared to tell anybody he told me it was just good parenting
Being Groomed and mentally abused (he showed me him trying to kill myself every time I tried to leave him) from 14 to almost 16 years old
Running away after the breakup (my parents finally cared and made me block him on everything no contact and told police) they didn't do anything
Came back home and everything was taken from me and I was watched 24/7 and my parents controlled my life for months
Had tried to kill myself 15-20 times and been to the mental hospital 5 times by age 16
Lost the love of my life and most of my friends real life and online
I'm truly at my breaking point and everybody thinks I'm insane/crazy and I somewhat get why but I think this is the end thank you if you wanted to read it all I'm not gonna make another goodbye thread all just make this my goodbye.
I've had quite a few posts and goodbye threads but I guess even if I failed a couple time my life will never be complete and my soul purpose is death.
I will see my friend in less than 5 days than after I will find away to kill myself and I will try multiple methods at once If I have to make sure it works.
I have Body Dysmorphia so If you could tell me If I'm fat or not it would be helpful its been messing with my head a lot thank you.
My reasons
Body Issues/Eating problemsI worry about my body everyday to the point I pinch every little fat and say I'm disgusting, insecure about every little thing its getting to me I can never be at peace with my body I've tried over 30 diets and I tried different ways of working out to try and be skinny or like a model but I never can and It's killing me from inside. I've never got to live normally and at one point I had anorexia/bulimia and even then I was never very skinny. I'm a no good human being who fails, I've been on a strict diet now for half a year as another attempt and lost weight but still never good enough or skinny enough I have fat legs I try so hard to get rid of its one of the things pushing me to death not being perfect enough.
Mental illness
I suffer with BPD and Social Anxiety Disorder and PTSD
I've tried counselors many of them and different meds which some of made me worse to the point I hanged myself and almost died (I usually wouldn't go as far to commit unless very distressed but these meds made my brain do it) I suffer daily with constant mood swings feeling mad, sad, happy and numb stage(aka where I don't feel anything and I think the whole world is fake and everything is all in my head). My family is sick of me and what I do when I'm mad (cry and shake on the floor or kick things or hurt myself or bang my head against the wall) I never hurt them no matter how angry I get but I feel sad I scare them. When I come to talk to them they assume I'm talking about my body and asking if I'm fat or about mental illness and just tell me to go away.
I have no one who really gets it.
Other reasons I've gone into more detail about on other posts on here
Being born with Lyme disease and being very poor from trying to get medicine that my mom stole money
Going to a treatment place for Lyme disease and meeting another girl there at age 9-10 I lost that bestfriend I made there to cancer
Having mental breakdowns starting at age 11-12 and cutting to cope and being sent to mental hospitals and seeing doctors
Dads Mental and Physical Abuse starting at 11-12 and I was to scared to tell anybody he told me it was just good parenting
Being Groomed and mentally abused (he showed me him trying to kill myself every time I tried to leave him) from 14 to almost 16 years old
Running away after the breakup (my parents finally cared and made me block him on everything no contact and told police) they didn't do anything
Came back home and everything was taken from me and I was watched 24/7 and my parents controlled my life for months
Had tried to kill myself 15-20 times and been to the mental hospital 5 times by age 16
Lost the love of my life and most of my friends real life and online
I'm truly at my breaking point and everybody thinks I'm insane/crazy and I somewhat get why but I think this is the end thank you if you wanted to read it all I'm not gonna make another goodbye thread all just make this my goodbye.
