Discussion The reason we’re still awake

[BehindTheWall]

I think we all have a reason to not CTB yet.
For example, i'm still here because I have an awesome gf who really love me. I'm not ready to leave her yet.

So, what's yours?

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Family. Job. Friends. Music. Food. Beer and coffee. Those things keep me apart from ctb (the act, but the thought is always in my mind)

 

[RedDEE]

I have no reason not to CTB. Soley SI holding me back.

 

[ocd is bad]

Right now it's because I'm worried about my parents. But at some point my need to escape will surpass that and I'll kill myself.

 

[BehindTheWall]

Right now it's because I'm worried about my parents. But at some point my need to escape will surpass that and I'll kill myself.

I feel you. I know that sooner than later my decision to go will surpass that too.

 

[valentine]

My relationship just ended and that was all that was really keeping me here. At this point it's just SI and I'm scared to be in pain when I ctb.

 

[death137]

SI but I won't be its prisoner for long.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I am just sort of taking my time to make peace with my decision. All the reasons I had to stay are gone, now I am just waiting to see if something changes anytime soon, sometimes life surprises you after all. And if it doesn't, then oh well...

 

[timeisnigh]

I've been this ready before: only instinct is not waking in hospital worse than I started.

 

[Dreamless Sleep]

Taking care of my mom with cancer.

I also had a special needs dog that I wouldn't leave because I know nobody else would care for her like I did... but I lost her a month ago. So just hanging in there for my mom now.

 

[Escargot Shorts]

oh lol i thought this was a thread about why we aren't asleep-asleep yet. i've been going to bed early for work all week but ended up taking naps afterward -- in like, a depression way not necessarily because i was sleepy. since i have another early day but also a half day, i'd figure i'd take the second wind i've got for now to do some cleaning while listening to a video on documented internet drama (which is like, my favorite thing right now).

as for why i'm still alive, i guess there are some dnd things i'm running that i want to see to completion (esp since we're kinda in the home stretch in one campaign) and i have a raodtrip w/ a friend coming up and also a nephew's birthday next month. though i def came to looking into finishing myself off this week but prep is annoying and hard work haha ohhh well

 

[LittleJem]

I'm fighting a bullying situation at work, and a bit of me doesn't want to go till I have fought it. Fuck them.

Other than that, it used to be so I didn't upset my family, but I am now two years more suffering past that point, and I just want the suffering over. I have the right pill cocktail - I just don't know for sure if they are legit pills. I am also going to do another megadose of LSD to see if it helps again. It did help me so much - my suicidal thoughts are not here anymore in such a loud constant way. I still have constant agitation though and am super-lonely - so for those reasons, even without the suicidal thoughts, I just want it over.
The other method I would use would be nitrogen or some such, but I am nervous I am not so technical, so not sure I can make it work.

 

[draw a circle]

because i haven't had the right tool to do it and not sure how to buy without being sus :/ i don't usually go out on my own and especially in this pandemic situation it will look weird if i suddenly go out without my parents or friends. also maybe bc i'm scared ngl but i've been feeling pretty ready. already pushed back the date for a year and having a few deadlines at the end of the year i hope i can do it asap before the year ends

 

[softfuzzyman]

Guilt it's a terrible feeling when you suffer immensely every single day but keep doing it, suffering alone and just kinda freefalling deeper and deeper, because you're too weighed down by the guilt of hurting family. It sucks.