embrace_release
end me
- Mar 13, 2021
- 32
After 13 years of struggle with depression, 3 years of that spent with active suicidality and a lot of mental abuse and backstabbing I'm at true inner peace with me going next winter. I struggled enough and it's my decision to end all of it, it's my life after all. No hasty emotional decision, just me being truly fine with how things are gonna turn out in the end.
My biggest problem is that I don't wanna hurt my closest, understandably. I thought about telling them in advance but in all likelihood they'd send me off to the ward and/or try to brainwash me with the fanatic thought of getting better.
In a way, I get it. They truly cannot relate and never will, only the people who have been at rock bottom know what it feels like to have no energy to even prep food, feeling like a burden every waking second of the day and sitting in your bed shaking torn between the decision of admitting yourself to the ward or hanging yourself on the beam in your room cause you genuinely can't take the pain anymore.
Should the people I refer to read this: Your darkest days are days where I'm able to function to me, trust me, you can't relate, my friend. And I know you're trying to help, which I appreciate the gesture of (a lot), but you can't. You'd have to be disgustingly educated at this complex topic to get a little grasp of why I walk down this road, why I behave this way.
And it's not your duty to do so, in any shape or form.
But I wish you could understand that it's okay being unable to help. Don't push your uneducated thoughts down my throat, I never asked for it. Continuing help while having no insight in even the basics is pure ignorance. Y'all sitting there and deadass telling me I need professional help is.. infuriating. Like, really? I never thought of that thanks, but here we are, you pushing me into opening up and you realizing you aren't equipped to help me.
WHILE I LITERALLY TOLD YOU THAT IT'S FUTILE BEFOREHAND.
This shit has happened to me more times than I'd wish for.
There was a recent instance which made me almost break it off with a lot of you because it was one of the most disrespectful things that were ever said to me, claiming that I was the one who was just babbling bullshit while you were in that call googling what I said cause you were so damn clueless about the topic. I'm still on the verge of breaking it off or staying, by the time you may read this you'll know I guess. I get it, your ego is still there, it's still insanely big and you help for the good feeling it gives you. Just maybe look back and see the damage you've caused and do better in the future.
I wish I could explain my thoughts to them, feelings and ideas, but they can't understand it, as recent events have shown, not even 10% of it. They didn't have the years of confrontation with the worst parts life and humanity has to offer. I really can't blame them.
I just wished they could somehow, somewhen understand that my choice is valid in the end.
And there it is, the tragedy of me not wanting to rip me from their life unexpectedly but having no way to do otherwise, it pains me so much.
My biggest problem is that I don't wanna hurt my closest, understandably. I thought about telling them in advance but in all likelihood they'd send me off to the ward and/or try to brainwash me with the fanatic thought of getting better.
In a way, I get it. They truly cannot relate and never will, only the people who have been at rock bottom know what it feels like to have no energy to even prep food, feeling like a burden every waking second of the day and sitting in your bed shaking torn between the decision of admitting yourself to the ward or hanging yourself on the beam in your room cause you genuinely can't take the pain anymore.
Should the people I refer to read this: Your darkest days are days where I'm able to function to me, trust me, you can't relate, my friend. And I know you're trying to help, which I appreciate the gesture of (a lot), but you can't. You'd have to be disgustingly educated at this complex topic to get a little grasp of why I walk down this road, why I behave this way.
And it's not your duty to do so, in any shape or form.
But I wish you could understand that it's okay being unable to help. Don't push your uneducated thoughts down my throat, I never asked for it. Continuing help while having no insight in even the basics is pure ignorance. Y'all sitting there and deadass telling me I need professional help is.. infuriating. Like, really? I never thought of that thanks, but here we are, you pushing me into opening up and you realizing you aren't equipped to help me.
WHILE I LITERALLY TOLD YOU THAT IT'S FUTILE BEFOREHAND.
This shit has happened to me more times than I'd wish for.
There was a recent instance which made me almost break it off with a lot of you because it was one of the most disrespectful things that were ever said to me, claiming that I was the one who was just babbling bullshit while you were in that call googling what I said cause you were so damn clueless about the topic. I'm still on the verge of breaking it off or staying, by the time you may read this you'll know I guess. I get it, your ego is still there, it's still insanely big and you help for the good feeling it gives you. Just maybe look back and see the damage you've caused and do better in the future.
I wish I could explain my thoughts to them, feelings and ideas, but they can't understand it, as recent events have shown, not even 10% of it. They didn't have the years of confrontation with the worst parts life and humanity has to offer. I really can't blame them.
I just wished they could somehow, somewhen understand that my choice is valid in the end.
And there it is, the tragedy of me not wanting to rip me from their life unexpectedly but having no way to do otherwise, it pains me so much.
