The planning is giving me life, ironically

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Hello all.

This has been a long time coming. I had read up about suicide since about grade 5. Now I am at a place where I have tried to live, and now know the truth. I wasn't meant to live this long - and I have come to terms with my choice, what I have control over, and feel thrilled at recognizing it's my choice. I am also thankful for finding this forum. I appreciate you if you're reading this. I wish we could all hang out and get support in person. Ah well.

I have research to do, but am basically getting things in order to wrap them up so my family doesn't have much to do. They have for the longest time been the reason I haven't done this, but it's not a great way to exist, to know your absence would hurt someone. It makes you a living ghost. But it's much longer than I ever thought. My autism is making everything impossible - unemployed, relationship ended, health challenges, no friends. Yet knowing this is the one thing I can control which gives me such peace. I will mask until I can end it - and then finally be free.

For me it's about method and location. I have wanted to travel for so long but money has been such an issue. My ideal solution would be to travel to a place I've always wanted to and it will end there. Whatever money I'm not giving away can go to that last wonderful trip. On the logistics front, obviously more complicated than at home, so I need to figure that out, even if it's in tent using whatever method. The plan of all the things to do - write a will, get rid of furniture, wipe my computer… I'm hoping someone has a good list for me to copy from. But I feel calm and resolved. This is the one thing I can do to help. There's a lot of regrets about the things I didn't get to. But also - that one glorious trip at the end. It won't make me fall in love with life - it's too late for that. But it will be the way I can celebrate that I've made my choice. My authenticity and doing what I want - finally. Nobody wants the authentic me, so at least on my own I have the freedom to be me, finally.

The freedom is going to be there, when the plan becomes real. The 'temporary solution to a permanent problem' doesn't matter. This is an option for people with autism. We don't live on this planet easily and I don't need to fit in any more.

No more broken brain, trying to live in a world where I am an alien
No more screaming toxic bosses
No more abusive partners who have beat me up
No more financial curses and feeling drained
No more sleepless nights
No more feeling lost, a fraud, someone people ignore and forget
No more
No more
No more
Only freedom

I woke up incredibly relieved and calm because of the power to choose to opt out of everything and writing this last night. I had a good therapy session this morning - lied through my teeth, but did get some useful tips. I play the games a little longer, knowing my choice to opt out is there. It's not ideation, it's actual clarity. It's remarkable how clear it is. I'm not depressed, irrational, or anything other than - yes.

I think for me I'm curious how you all think of life and cope with it in the time between your decision and when your choice of ending things will happen. For me I know this is an inevitability, but there's a lot of adult crap I need to do - like the list above - before then to get to the point where this is done. I am trying to think of ways to make that 6 months bearable despite the demise. I do like being in nature so plan every Sunday to go on hikes. Curious what you do to keep going despite this ending, and if others feel they are a ghost or think of another name to refer to this state in between (not really living, not dead).

 

[Lostone47]

I really resonate with the living ghost part of this. People want you to continue to be miserable so they won't have to bear your death. But at what point is it what you are going through that matters? They say taking your own life is selfish but it's just as selfish for those around you to expect you to exist strictly to protect their feelings.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck in your plans.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I really resonate with the living ghost part of this. People want you to continue to be miserable so they won't have to bear your death. But at what point is it what you are going through that matters? They say taking your own life is selfish but it's just as selfish for those around you to expect you to exist strictly to protect their feelings.

Thank you - you get it. I know at a certain point the people who I stay for love it when I'm happy but struggle when I struggle. They want the sunny me - they've said this to me.

I think of my therapist and how awful she would feel when she hears, but I'll probably do something like talk about how we can end therapy, I'm in a better place and she'll never have to hear.

The only people I worry about are family. I guess this is the benefit of not really having any friends - I have one person I stay in touch with, but the rest don't even talk to me and won't even notice that I'm gone. So basically it's 4 family members that would notice and be devastated. So I need to find a way to make it palatable for them. I think having it be some kind of car accident could be reassuring to them than the obvious. Something to think through though...