The paradox of imminent death and storm "Alex"

[StateOfMind]

The closer I get to committing suicide the happier I get.
And when it comes down to it I feel too happy to commit.

Was just on another round of trainspotting and the circumstances could not have been better.
Mild, dry and stormy weather with a great moon shinning through the clouds.
The strong winds brushing though my hoodie and cooling my pits as I raised my arms into crucifixion figure while having the gusts gently carry me to my destination.
After only five minuets of calmly walking through the blusterers gales I arrived at the platform.
I try to ignore the cameras as I ponder down, straight and back up the stairs as I go the short tunnel where the only "graffiti" is a technical inscription above am info plate that happens to read my exact birth date.
I light up a smoke, pace back and forth and go through all the reasons I want to die.
Lost in my thoughts..
..to my surprise the signal light comes on and changes from from orange to white.
I face a away from the incoming direction and rely on my ears to hear the liberation train coming in.
The sound of those tracks squealing as the fast moving machinery approaches feels like both bliss and terror.

I think to myself: "Nah, life is not so bad and anyway I'm interested to see how people on SS reacted to my recent posts".


What is this curse? lol

 

[Huntfish34]

Damn ,. Wow. That's all very well said I must say! Thank you for sharing that with us. " Bliss and terror ". Never would I choose to go by train ,. But those 2 words are what I'd Imagine..... If I saw that huge beast blow by me on the tracks. Especially if it's at night / darkness.

 

[Silver]

Interesting. Maybe because the train came unexpectedly you weren't mentally prepared and the SI took over?

 

[Stick]

I love this.

 

[Emily_Numb]

If this fiction or are you genuinely going to CTB by jumping in front of a train?
If you are seriously considering jumping in from of a train, please don't. The impact of has on people left behind is catastrophic. Not just the drivers and passengers, but your family, friends and clean up crew.
My best friends Boyfriend jumped in front of a train. You don't even want to know what's left to be buried. It absolutely ruined my friends life. This was 30 years ago.

 

[StateOfMind]

If this fiction or are you genuinely going to CTB by jumping in front of a train?
If you are seriously considering jumping in from of a train, please don't. The impact of has on people left behind is catastrophic. Not just the drivers and passengers, but your family, friends and clean up crew.
My best friends Boyfriend jumped in front of a train. You don't even want to know what's left to be buried. It absolutely ruined my friends life. This was 30 years ago.

No fiction but thanks for the compliment

 

[TheQ22]

You don't really want to die, it's a release to feel like you have control over your life - if I "wanted to" I could do it... but nah, not today?

 

[StateOfMind]

You don't really want to die, it's a release to feel like you have control over your life - if I "wanted to" I could do it... but nah, not today?

Sounds accurate. I don't "want" to die but everything else is torture. I'm happy at least that I have a full proof method.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

you're very good at writing. I could almost feel the breeze and being there. Very descriptive.

 

[StateOfMind]

you're very good at writing. I could almost feel the breeze and being there. Very descriptive.

Thank you!

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Thank you!

your welcome. I wish I could write like that. Maybe you could write some mini stories for us here- all fiction unless you want to use fact. You have a talent.

 

[StateOfMind]

your welcome. I wish I could write like that. Maybe you could write some mini stories for us here- all fiction unless you want to use fact. You have a talent.

I appreciate it. I kind of don't want to invest in anything with too many emotional attachments since I'm battling with SI. I've even considered quitting this excellent forum because it sometimes deludes me into believing there is hope for me. I like to refer to these elements as "Hope agents". I believe I need to eliminate as many HA's as possible to make it easier to ctb.

 

[Cherrypea]

You have control over whether you live or die even if you feel no control in other areas of your life.

 

[StateOfMind]

You have control over whether you live or die even if you feel no control in other areas of your life.

I feel we have more control than we believe (as long as you are content with "business as usual"). When you begin to enter and question the upper echelons of society one begins to realise how difficult it is to create true meaningful change. I didn't even come close but yet I suffer for it.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Maybe it's just me but I'm actually really sad that I'm catching the bus. The only relief that suicide has provided me is the thought of solving all of my problems in one fell swoop.

 

[StateOfMind]

Maybe it's just me but I'm actually really sad that I'm catching the bus. The only relief that suicide has provided me is the thought of solving all of my problems in one fell swoop.

Sad? lol it's the only thing that gives me joy.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Sad? lol it's the only thing that gives me joy.

The difference between your case and mine is that mine is more than just ideation.

 

[StateOfMind]

The difference between your case and mine is that mine is more than just ideation.

What do you mean?

 

[Wayfaerer]

What do you mean?

As in not only do I have my date but my situation is such that backing out would be... Unfeasible.

 

[StateOfMind]

As in I not only do I have my date but my situation is such that backing out would be... Unfeasible.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.. I hope it works out for you!

 

[Alec]

The closer I get to committing suicide the happier I get.
And when it comes down to it I feel too happy to commit.

Was just on another round of trainspotting and the circumstances could not have been better.
Mild, dry and stormy weather with a great moon shinning through the clouds.
The strong winds brushing though my hoodie and cooling my pits as I raised my arms into crucifixion figure while having the gusts gently carry me to my destination.
After only five minuets of calmly walking through the blusterers gales I arrived at the platform.
I try to ignore the cameras as I ponder down, straight and back up the stairs as I go the short tunnel where the only "graffiti" is a technical inscription above am info plate that happens to read my exact birth date.
I light up a smoke, pace back and forth and go through all the reasons I want to die.
Lost in my thoughts..
..to my surprise the signal light comes on and changes from from orange to white.
I face a away from the incoming direction and rely on my ears to hear the liberation train coming in.
The sound of those tracks squealing as the fast moving machinery approaches feels like both bliss and terror.

I think to myself: "Nah, life is not so bad and anyway I'm interested to see how people on SS reacted to my recent posts".


What is this curse? lol

That was poetic and beautiful