The pain you hand to others, to find peace for yourself

[ohhgeeitsme]

The hardest part of all this for me is knowing the pain I'm going to cause the people I love. That's what I keep thinking about, more than my own troubles. I want so deeply for people to understand suicide, to know what it's really like. I have no doubt that if they were able to step into my brain and experience what I feel and see the world as I see it, they would completely understand this decision. Whenever an animal or human being is in the worst kind of physical pain conceivable, it's considered compassionate by nearly everyone to end their suffering by death. I wish people could acknowledge and understand that mental illness really can be that severe. Every day, it's just complete terror, unimaginable heartbreak and anguish from mental illness (anxiety, depression, list goes on) and neurological disorders (akathisia, migraines, seizures, severe tinnitus, etc), physical discomfort from my physical illnesses (RA, endometriosis, etc), traumatic experiences like rape and a sense of profound hopelessness that is supported by logic and objective insight.

I'm currently taking kratom and phenibut, and it helps a great deal and allows me to function and get through each day until I can soon ctb with my partner, but I can't take them forever and I will never touch another SSRI or related drug again after developing akathisia. I went years trying to naturally fix it all with daily exercise, healthy diet, mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, walks outside, the whole thing and while it did help some, it did not cure it. I came to accept that my anxiety, which is the true route of all my problems and has destroyed my life, is an illness that cannot be cured by lifestyle changes and so I turned to antidepressants but four months in, developed akathisia which is literally, torture. The only way for me to find peace is to end my life, but in order to do that, I have to hurt the people I love the most on an unbelievable scale. What is that? That's so cruel. Life is just a series of random and unjust circumstances, one after another and I am just.. done.




"The torment of imprisonment lies in not being able to escape from oneself at any time." - Kōbō Abe
Screenshots and quote from The Face of Another (Tanin no kao)

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I have worried about this too but for me the answer is that they didn't care enough about me in life so they have no right to be upset or angry about my death. I know that everyone's situations are different and many people who are suicidal have caring families so my logic doesn't apply to them.

It's hard that we can't show others how the world for us. No-one will ever know the pain and torture that is every single day for me and I will never know what life is like for another. We can empathise but we can never really know.

 

[braketimez]

Damn.

I remember when I first became a member here,
you and I got into a long dialogue about what all you're dealing with.

It sounds like things are coming to a close really soon for you.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain,
and I'm sorry for all you've had to deal with losing.

Sending love your way.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Damn.

I remember when I first became a member here,
you and I got into a long dialogue about what all you're dealing with.

It sounds like things are coming to a close really soon for you.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain,
and I'm sorry for all you've had to deal with losing.

Sending love your way.

Indeed. The plan is in a week or two. Trying to find the location now, away from home so my father doesn't find me. But I'm ready. The kratom and phenibut calms me down, takes away the panic, gives me some peace, but it won't be as effective forever. Like I said in the post, most of what I'm feeling currently is the pain I'm about to unleash onto others. I could live for them simply not being happy, but I cannot live being unbelievably miserable. I hope one day they will understand that.

How have you been holding up?

 

[MaybeSoon]

I feel almost exactly the same. I hope my note will do a good enough job of explaining my death if it ever comes to that.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I have worried about this too but for me the answer is that they didn't care enough about me in life so they have no right to be upset or angry about my death. I know that everyone's situations are different and many people who are suicidal have caring families so my logic doesn't apply to them.

It's hard that we can't show others how the world for us. No one will ever know the pain and torture that is every single day for me and I will never know what life is like for another. We can empathise but we can never really know.

I understand that. I'm sorry that's your situation. Sometimes I get into these moods where I think no one really cares about me, because they didn't react in the ways I wanted or didn't make it obvious and so forth, but deep down I know they will genuinely be hurt by this, even if it didn't always seem like they cared much. Just because I'm not someone's top priority, doesn't mean they still don't care about me. I think the most hurtful of it all is the people that rarely checked up on me whenever I opened up to them. I've even told a few people in the past I was suicidal and they never checked to make sure I was okay after that. I guess most people just fail to detect the seriousness of it, or even take ME seriously. But like I've said before, just because they didn't always handle it all perfectly, doesn't mean they don't actually care. They just don't understand mental illness and don't know how to react to it. People aren't perfect, and I can't always take it personally. Though, I could be wrong about a few of them, some may really not. I still feel utterly alone, always have, even when I have people wanting to get close to me. My loneliness is my own doing, rather than other people. But even if I, for whatever crazy reason, tend to distance myself from people, I still care deeply about them.

I'm not saying that you're probably wrong about your situation. If you say they don't care, I believe you and I'm so sorry that's how it is for you. Sometimes I honestly wish no one cared about me now. It would make this so much easier for me, something so inevitable, even if I was surrounded by all the love in the world. Love can be so cruel.

I feel almost exactly the same. I hope my note will do a good enough job of explaining my death if it ever comes to that.

That's another thing I'm working on. Sometimes I think, what's the point? No matter how well I explain myself, they still won't understand. So why even try? In fact, my first letter was seriously just that. Something along the lines of, "If I have learned anything, it's that trying to explain myself is useless. You won't understand. Just know that I'm sorry..." and so on. But that was in one of my more bitter, exhausted moods. They really do deserve a better explanation, even if it doesn't deliver. I know personally, I hate unsolved mysteries (the show was good though lol). It would drive me crazy if someone I knew committed suicide without a letter truly explaining why. So I don't want to do that to other people. As often as I write, you'd think it would be easier for me but for some reason, it's taking a lot of mental and physical strength to write probably the most important thing I ever will.

 

[braketimez]

Indeed. The plan is in a week or two. Trying to find the location now, away from home so my father doesn't find me. But I'm ready. The kratom and phenibut calms me down, takes away the panic, gives me some peace, but it won't be as effective forever. Like I said in the post, most of what I'm feeling currently is the pain I'm about to unleash onto others. I could live for them simply not being happy, but I cannot live being unbelievably miserable. I hope one day they will understand that.

How have you been holding up?

You deserve peace. I hope they understand all of that as well.
If they don't, that is their own journey and responsibility to take on. Not yours.

As for how I'm doing, I'm definitely battling a ton of shit....
radically shifting back and forth between being determined to leave,
versus being determined to keep trying.

I just had therapy now and realized it's been a long time since I let myself get angry.
My medication (which I'm now tapering off of) prevents me from feeling emotion/anger,
and I believe it's been contributing to my tendency to give up.

Taking it day by day, I guess.

You're such a strong person.

Whatever you decide to do/when, I know is the best decision for you.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I'm not saying that you're probably wrong about your situation. If you say they don't care, I believe you and I'm so sorry that's how it is for you.

Your right, some care a bit but I've decided not enough for the anguish the guilt of how they might react has caused me. From how they've reacted to my life in the past I know that a handful of people will shed a few tears but they will be fueled by anger that I was selfish for not thinking about them. When they found out about the abuse they were quick to say it wasn't my fault but also extremely quick to follow up with but 'get over it', 'get a grip' and 'move on'. Ideally i would have loved to get a grip but it just hasn't happened and they don't understand why. Not their fault I know but as they said, not my fault either. They don't understand my pain in as much the same way as I don't understand their reactions.

At the start of this covid nightmare I messaged the people I care about saying I hoped they were all safe and stayed safe. 1 person replied with 'same'. A few weeks in I messaged them all again asking how everyone was getting on, saying I hoped they were all ok and coping the best they could. No one replied. I know everyone has their own lives and this nightmare has hit everyone differently but I'm not on their radars at all so why should prolong my agony so that they don't have to cry for half an hour?

I've paid for my funeral to save them the hassle of having to arrange it all, it's just a cremation so they don't even have to take time out to attend my funeral. I've sorted everything so that aren't inconvenienced in any way. So I have considered them in my final act, all they'll have to do it is collect the few funds I have left that my will has distributed to them.

I can see how attractive it looks to have no one care but it's not simple, it hurts. Sometimes I think it would have been more difficult if they did care but I have still grappled with guilty feelings but I suppose I have the advantage of having reconciled those now.

 

[mathieu]

All I know is that living is unbearable and if my death has consequences for those I love then that is just unavoidable. I have to be selfish now and do it for me.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Your right, some care a bit but I've decided not enough for the anguish the guilt of how they might react has caused me. From how they've reacted to my life in the past I know that a handful of people will shed a few tears but they will be fueled by anger that I was selfish for not thinking about them. When they found out about the abuse they were quick to say it wasn't my fault but also extremely quick to follow up with but 'get over it', 'get a grip' and 'move on'. Ideally i would have loved to get a grip but it just hasn't happened and they don't understand why. Not their fault I know but as they said, not my fault either. They don't understand my pain in as much the same way as I don't understand their reactions.

At the start of this covid nightmare I messaged the people I care about saying I hoped they were all safe and stayed safe. 1 person replied with 'same'. A few weeks in I messaged them all again asking how everyone was getting on, saying I hoped they were all ok and coping the best they could. No one replied. I know everyone has their own lives and this nightmare has hit everyone differently but I'm not on their radars at all so why should prolong my agony so that they don't have to cry for half an hour?

I've paid for my funeral to save them the hassle of having to arrange it all, it's just a cremation so they don't even have to take time out to attend my funeral. I've sorted everything so that aren't inconvenienced in any way. So I have considered them in my final act, all they'll have to do it is collect the few funds I have left that my will has distributed to them.

I can see how attractive it looks to have no one care but it's not simple, it hurts. Sometimes I think it would have been more difficult if they did care but I have still grappled with guilty feelings but I suppose I have the advantage of having reconciled those now.

Yeah, even though I know I say I wish they didn't care, I know that would hurt me just as much, if not more. I suspect if my situation was that, I would have much more anger and spite as well, and anger can be just as horrible as heartbreak. It's nice of you that you've already made your own funeral arraignments. That's something I haven't even done. I honestly hate the idea of any kind of service and just want to be cremated. My dad chose cremation for my mother, so I assume he'd prefer that for as well. I don't think my dad and sister could handle any kind of memorial for me, especially my dad. But since those events are more for the people left behind, I also don't want to take away something that they may actually want and may help them in the long run. I reeeally don't want one, though. I still don't know how I'm going to handle that, but I have to figure it out this week.
And I totally understand what you're saying, and think you're right. It straight up sucks that we are all going through all this right now. Life just can never be easy. I did have a relatively good childhood, though. That was nice. Sure, there was some shit even then. Being molested by a cousin, abused by my brother, so on.. but I still was a very hopeful kid. I always got through the bad times by daydreaming about my future, the adventure of being an adult and the great things to come. That how I got through my teenage years also.. just daydreamed it all away, but my fantasies all involved things that I thought were actually possible. I no longer have that. The hope is completely lost and dreaming for better no longer works because the euphoria came from the thought it was all possible. Ugh. Anyway.
Much love to you.

You deserve peace. I hope they understand all of that as well.
If they don't, that is their own journey and responsibility to take on. Not yours.

As for how I'm doing, I'm definitely battling a ton of shit....
radically shifting back and forth between being determined to leave,
versus being determined to keep trying.

I just had therapy now and realized it's been a long time since I let myself get angry.
My medication (which I'm now tapering off of) prevents me from feeling emotion/anger,
and I believe it's been contributing to my tendency to give up.

Taking it day by day, I guess.

You're such a strong person.

Whatever you decide to do/when, I know is the best decision for you.

Thank you for your kind words. I know exactly how it feels, at least for me, to rapidly go back and forth between giving up and deciding to stay. I went through that for a very long time. I've pretty much been set on leaving for about two or three months now, with no shifting back. I also know how much drugs can change your perspective on everything. While I don't know your entire situation, I think if you're currently tapering off medication you feel may be contributing to your suicidal thoughts, you should definitely wait and try to see how you feel off them. I don't know what they are and how long you've been on them, but psych drugs can take months before you're back to normal and if I were you, I'd really try and wait and see if this passes. I know it's easier said than done and like I said, don't know exactly what you're going through, but I really do hope you're able to fight through this. Either way, I hope things work out for you and you find peace one day, in whatever form that comes in.

 

[braketimez]

Thank you for your kind words. I know exactly how it feels, at least for me, to rapidly go back and forth between giving up and deciding to stay. I went through that for a very long time. I've pretty much been set on leaving for about two or three months now, with no shifting back. I also know how much drugs can change your perspective on everything. While I don't know your entire situation, I think if you're currently tapering off medication you feel may be contributing to your suicidal thoughts, you should definitely wait and try to see how you feel off them. I don't know what they are and how long you've been on them, but psych drugs can take months before you're back to normal and if I were you, I'd really try and wait and see if this passes. I know it's easier said than done and like I said, don't know exactly what you're going through, but I really do hope you're able to fight through this. Either way, I hope things work out for you and you find peace one day, in whatever form that comes in.

Thank you. I'm really trying hard to wait this out.
I was suicidal before medication, but not to this extent...so you are right...I ought to wait.

It's so fucking difficult to be patient, as I'm sure you know.

You have attempted to CTB before, correct? By hanging, if I remember correctly?

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Thank you. I'm really trying hard to wait this out.
I was suicidal before medication, but not to this extent...so you are right...I ought to wait.

It's so fucking difficult to be patient, as I'm sure you know.

You have attempted to CTB before, correct? By hanging, if I remember correctly?

Yeah, I made four attempts in December, all in one weekend. I couldn't get the hanging right, and never tried again. I read even more about it afterward though, and can definitely improve on it so maybe I'd have more success with it now. As of right now, it seems like my partner may be backing out. So I may have no choice but to resort back to partial, as I have no access to drugs myself. I just really hate the idea of my father finding my body. I lived alone when I tried it before. I think if I have to do it here, I'll do it in the closet with the door closed and put a note on it, telling him not to open and to call police because I'm dead inside and just hope he listens. With him, he may. It makes me feel awful, thinking about all that chaos. Even just thinking about the dog here. Not only have I've grown very attached to her, but she'd be going crazy, barking, with all the people coming in and out and just that would make it even worse on my dad. Having to handle her while the whole scene plays out. I don't feel at all bad about my brother here, though. He wouldn't give a shit. But my dad, definitely would give a shit. Ah. I feel so utterly horrible.

 

[braketimez]

Yeah, I made four attempts in December, all in one weekend. I couldn't get the hanging right, and never tried again. I read even more about it afterward though, and can definitely improve on it so maybe I'd have more success with it now. As of right now, it seems like my partner may be backing out. So I may have no choice but to resort back to partial, as I have no access to drugs myself. I just really hate the idea of my father finding my body. I lived alone when I tried it before. I think if I have to do it here, I'll do it in the closet with the door closed and put a note on it, telling him not to open and to call police because I'm dead inside and just hope he listens. With him, he may. It makes me feel awful, thinking about all that chaos. Even just thinking about the dog here. Not only have I've grown very attached to her, but she'd be going crazy, barking, with all the people coming in and out and just that would make it even worse on my dad. Having to handle her while the whole scene plays out. I don't feel at all bad about my brother here, though. He wouldn't give a shit. But my dad, definitely would give a shit. Ah. I feel so utterly horrible.

You've got such a big fucking heart.

It makes me feel guilty because until now, I hadn't thought through "the final scene" much.
Maybe a little bit, but not in detail as much.

There's a lot to consider, for sure.

No matter what, there is so much heartbreak in death.
It's unavoidable.

Whether by suicide or not.

It just sucks that's how life works.

Blah...
I was feeling optimistic today.
Almost considered tossing my SN and making a "pact" with myself to live.

And then I decided to read about what happens when people age.

I read about what it's like to be old.

And it's just awful. Even for healthy people.
I'm only 29, but I'm already feeling some of these things happen to me.

I read about what it's like to live in a nursing home. Just terrible.

I feel like living until I die a natural death would be like spending all my savings at the casino.
A stupid gamble.

It just wouldn't be worth the risk. I am CERTAIN I will suffer more as I get older.

anyways, friend...

I'm sorry your partner seems to be backing out. I bet that's anxiety inducing.
Are you planning to find someone else, then?

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

You've got such a big fucking heart.

It makes me feel guilty because until now, I hadn't thought through "the final scene" much.
Maybe a little bit, but not in detail as much.

There's a lot to consider, for sure.

No matter what, there is so much heartbreak in death.
It's unavoidable.

Whether by suicide or not.

It just sucks that's how life works.

Blah...
I was feeling optimistic today.
Almost considered tossing my SN and making a "pact" with myself to live.

And then I decided to read about what happens when people age.

I read about what it's like to be old.

And it's just awful. Even for healthy people.
I'm only 29, but I'm already feeling some of these things happen to me.

I read about what it's like to live in a nursing home. Just terrible.

I feel like living until I die a natural death would be like spending all my savings at the casino.
A stupid gamble.

It just wouldn't be worth the risk. I am CERTAIN I will suffer more as I get older.

anyways, friend...

I'm sorry your partner seems to be backing out. I bet that's anxiety inducing.
Are you planning to find someone else, then?

Exactly. No matter what I do, there will be heartbreak. Even if I decide to live, that in itself would be a tragedy, even if only to myself. Having to live, who knows how long, being absolutely miserable is horrible.

I also have no doubts that I will be even worse as I age. It's possible I won't, but much more likely I will. I feel like I was almost raised in a nursing home. My great grandmother lived in one and we went to see her several times during the week. Of course, back then I didn't really understand just how horrible it was. Looking back, I do. I already have rheumatoid arthritis and several other health issues that make me feel like I'm already old. I can't even imagine what it'll be like once I really am. Plus, I have body dysmorphia, which I never tell people about because it seems like such a shallow disorder to have. So getting older and not being desirable anymore seriously seems awful. Even now with my libido being pretty much non-existent, I still crave that validation. It's pathetic, I know, but it's also true. I hate that it is. This is one of the things that I feel really could get better, something that I may eventually accept in time. So I wouldn't kill myself just because of it, but I would be lying if I didn't say it wasn't a contributing factor.

As far as the partner goes, he had a sudden urge to fight through this. Now he's trying to talk me out of it and won't give me the Fentanyl he has. While it does honestly upset me that those plans were cancelled, it was a great way to go, I'm also genuinely happy that he's able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I do care about him and would never want him to feel pressured into any of it. If you're not completely sure, you should wait. If there is even a little bit of hope, you should explore that. I was like that for two years. It wasn't until these past few months that I haven't went back on the hope train. I just wished him backing out happened sooner, so I could have been looking for someone else during this time. I had a feeling the whole time that he wasn't 100% on it, and him backing out wasn't a surprise. I do kind of wonder if his sudden change of mind is drug induced. He did finally get the Fentanyl after all. Who knows. He was definitely more scared and anxious about it all. I was only really anxious about the events leading up to it. You know, if I can trust him, what if we get caught or something goes wrong, etc. I wasn't really anxious about the actual event. I'm still open to finding someone else, but it seems unlikely. I guess this also means I'll have to wait even longer now so I can figure out a way to do it somewhere my father won't find me. But who knows if I'll be able to wait it out long enough. If I had access to Fentanyl, I could just go to a hotel. I guess I could go to one for partial hanging, but wouldn't know until I got there if there was anywhere I could do it. Ugh. Nothing can ever be easy.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I feel that having physical problems might make our loved ones more understandable to our suicide, not that the mental ones isn´t suffient enough to ctb but you know how society is.

And even though my family don´t know I am suicidal or how bad my mental health really is they know I suffer from my horrible physical problems so hopefully they will understand that my existence was unbareable.

 

[WeepingWillow]

One of the main reasons I joined this site was to seek advice as to how I should approach loved ones about the subject. When it is my time, I want to be as open and honest as possible with those closest to me. If this means finding some compromised middle ground I'm okay with that.

But ultimately I'm hoping this will ease some of that pain I'd be passing along. I fear I've already caused far too much in my life allready.

 

[braketimez]

Exactly. No matter what I do, there will be heartbreak. Even if I decide to live, that in itself would be a tragedy, even if only to myself. Having to live, who knows how long, being absolutely miserable is horrible.

I also have no doubts that I will be even worse as I age. It's possible I won't, but much more likely I will. I feel like I was almost raised in a nursing home. My great grandmother lived in one and we went to see her several times during the week. Of course, back then I didn't really understand just how horrible it was. Looking back, I do. I already have rheumatoid arthritis and several other health issues that make me feel like I'm already old. I can't even imagine what it'll be like once I really am. Plus, I have body dysmorphia, which I never tell people about because it seems like such a shallow disorder to have. So getting older and not being desirable anymore seriously seems awful. Even now with my libido being pretty much non-existent, I still crave that validation. It's pathetic, I know, but it's also true. I hate that it is. This is one of the things that I feel really could get better, something that I may eventually accept in time. So I wouldn't kill myself just because of it, but I would be lying if I didn't say it wasn't a contributing factor.

As far as the partner goes, he had a sudden urge to fight through this. Now he's trying to talk me out of it and won't give me the Fentanyl he has. While it does honestly upset me that those plans were cancelled, it was a great way to go, I'm also genuinely happy that he's able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I do care about him and would never want him to feel pressured into any of it. If you're not completely sure, you should wait. If there is even a little bit of hope, you should explore that. I was like that for two years. It wasn't until these past few months that I haven't went back on the hope train. I just wished him backing out happened sooner, so I could have been looking for someone else during this time. I had a feeling the whole time that he wasn't 100% on it, and him backing out wasn't a surprise. I do kind of wonder if his sudden change of mind is drug induced. He did finally get the Fentanyl after all. Who knows. He was definitely more scared and anxious about it all. I was only really anxious about the events leading up to it. You know, if I can trust him, what if we get caught or something goes wrong, etc. I wasn't really anxious about the actual event. I'm still open to finding someone else, but it seems unlikely. I guess this also means I'll have to wait even longer now so I can figure out a way to do it somewhere my father won't find me. But who knows if I'll be able to wait it out long enough. If I had access to Fentanyl, I could just go to a hotel. I guess I could go to one for partial hanging, but wouldn't know until I got there if there was anywhere I could do it. Ugh. Nothing can ever be easy.

If you deal with RA now, I can imagine the health anxiety with aging must be pretty high.
As for the dysmorphia and needing validation, there's nothing pathetic about it.

It's a very human need.
For what it's worth, I won't lie...
Not to be a creep, but I totally crushed on you when I first saw your avatar pic .

Regarding your partner, I'm again sorry for that whole situation. Are you still in contact with them?

As you've said, nothing can ever be easy. Choosing to live is affliction. Trying to die is affliction.
Sucks that's how it is.

As for hope, I'll take your advice. I definitely see a tiny bit of it left.
There is one big denominator I haven't explored yet, with regards to the causes of my issues.
I do feel a responsibility to explore it before I even consider any final decisions.

I've been binge watching movies and documentaries about suicide...
doing whatever I can to help me contemplate, and it honestly helps.

It's helped me realize there might be more to explore/see in life.

 

[Cosmiq]

It's the reason I'm attempting to take a more difficult road. This road is just to make it seem like I'm exhausting all my resources, taking every chance to get better. So at the very least, they have some proof in addition to my note that they did all they could and there's nothing they could've done to change this.
I've distanced myself from all my friends to minimalize damage to others, and stopped dating about 2 years ago. I have two left that won't give up as much as I want them to, I wish to offer their friendship to people that are just lonely or those that would benefit from their support. I'm letting my mom pay for my therapy so she'll feel she tried to help. I'm accepting help right now for them more than me. I've been seeing my psychiatrist going on 3 years, and although I trust her I've always been difficult with medication. Only the past few months have I stopped fighting her because I didn't want to experience side effects.
Everyone knows I'm suicidal, and struggling. So it won't be a huge surprise, and like oh we didn't see it coming. My younger sister has oddly always been more mature than me. I swear once she could walk and talk she was an adult in her mind. We've clashed a lot growing up because she was so bossy and I just wanted to play, but I've finally allowed her to feel like I'm taking her advice.
But even if I stayed, all it would do is prolong my pain while waiting for them to let me deteriorate. Get to the point where they're desensitized to my troubles like people are with the homeless .

 

[LastFlowers]

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I won't be handing anyone else in my life pain. Whether I exist or not has no real effect on them either way. And if peace is a feeling, then ending my life is no way to experience it. It is just an end to the consciousness of the hell we live. Disturbingly, the last feeling many of us will have is the exact opposite of peace.

I do like that quote you included though. It resonates with my specific situation very much. Thanks for posting it.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

If you deal with RA now, I can imagine the health anxiety with aging must be pretty high.
As for the dysmorphia and needing validation, there's nothing pathetic about it.

It's a very human need.
For what it's worth, I won't lie...
Not to be a creep, but I totally crushed on you when I first saw your avatar pic .

Regarding your partner, I'm again sorry for that whole situation. Are you still in contact with them?

As you've said, nothing can ever be easy. Choosing to live is affliction. Trying to die is affliction.
Sucks that's how it is.

As for hope, I'll take your advice. I definitely see a tiny bit of it left.
There is one big denominator I haven't explored yet, with regards to the causes of my issues.
I do feel a responsibility to explore it before I even consider any final decisions.

I've been binge watching movies and documentaries about suicide...
doing whatever I can to help me contemplate, and it honestly helps.

It's helped me realize there might be more to explore/see in life.

That's good. I hope you do take the time to reconsider. There are plenty of people out there who were seriously suicidal at some point but lived past it. My problem with that is exhaustion. I'm simply too exhausted to wait much longer. But who knows, maybe while I wait to figure out a better location, something will happen that will bring me hope. It could happen. And yes, I'm still in contact with my partner. Something he mentioned to me was ibogaine. I read about this years ago but forgot all about it. It shows a lot of promise for depression and possibly anxiety, though I read in some cases, anxiety could get worse. But I also wonder if it could help with the akathisia, which is by far the worst thing I'm experiencing. While it's very rarely permanent, it could still last years, even a decade. That's a long time to have to endure something that even the Soviets used to induce in prisoners as a form of torture. People have jumped off buildings and into trains for only having it for a few days. That's why I'm taking the kratom and occasionally, phenibut. Without them, there is NO way I'd even be able to make it through the night. They both help with that. Not 100% but enough to allow me to be able to wait. I still wake up the akathisia, but at least it's not 24/7 like it was the first three months. But they are also drugs that will lose effectiveness after a while and at that point, I'll also have to deal with physical dependence and withdrawals. But with ibogaine and other similar drugs, they are illegal and very hard to come by and I don't have the money to travel out of the country to have access to it. This is something that brings me a lot of anger. There are quite of few drugs like this that really may save me but I can't get to them because they are illegal. It's beyond frustrating and just straight up, pisses me off.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I won't be handing anyone else in my life pain. Whether I exist or not has no real effect on them either way. And if peace is a feeling, then ending my life is no way to experience it. It is just an end to the consciousness of the hell we live. Disturbingly, the last feeling many of us will have is the exact opposite of peace.

I do like that quote you included though. It resonates with my specific situation very much. Thanks for posting it.

With my first attempts, there was definitely no peace. I was in the peak of my akathisia, so what I was feeling, both physically and mentally was indescribable. Someone once said about akathisia, and most comparisons are similar, that imagine being buried alive and hearing the cries of your children who are being tortured above you. Seems overly dramatic, but that is genuinely the kind of terror and heartbreak that is present with that disorder and that's not including the horrific physical sensations. This time around, with the kratom that takes a lot of that away plus other substances, I hope to be medicated to the point where I'll be able to experience some level of peace while going through with it. May not work, but it's possible and that's one thing I'm still hopeful about. Sometimes I wonder if I just smoke marijuana, if it would make everything tolerable enough to wait. Years ago when I was feeling suicidal, it always worked. It calmed me right down. I had to quit a few years ago because of a job and now that I recently moved hundreds of miles from anyone I know, I have no way of getting a hold of it.

 

[braketimez]

That's good. I hope you do take the time to reconsider. There are plenty of people out there who were seriously suicidal at some point but lived past it. My problem with that is exhaustion. I'm simply too exhausted to wait much longer. But who knows, maybe while I wait to figure out a better location, something will happen that will bring me hope. It could happen. And yes, I'm still in contact with my partner. Something he mentioned to me was ibogaine. I read about this years ago but forgot all about it. It shows a lot of promise for depression and possibly anxiety, though I read in some cases, anxiety could get worse. But I also wonder if it could help with the akathisia, which is by far the worst thing I'm experiencing. While it's very rarely permanent, it could still last years, even a decade. That's a long time to have to endure something that even the Soviets used to induce in prisoners as a form of torture. People have jumped off buildings and into trains for only having it for a few days. That's why I'm taking the kratom and occasionally, phenibut. Without them, there is NO way I'd even be able to make it through the night. They both help with that. Not 100% but enough to allow me to be able to wait. I still wake up the akathisia, but at least it's not 24/7 like it was the first three months. But they are also drugs that will lose effectiveness after a while and at that point, I'll also have to deal with physical dependence and withdrawals. But with ibogaine and other similar drugs, they are illegal and very hard to come by and I don't have the money to travel out of the country to have access to it. This is something that brings me a lot of anger. There are quite of few drugs like this that really may save me but I can't get to them because they are illegal. It's beyond frustrating and just straight up, pisses me off.

I fucking hate how the most helpful things can be illegal.

Have you considered gabapentin for the akathisia?
I just did some quick research and some studies show it's helped reduce antipsychotic-induced akathisia:

1. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15812271/
2. http://www.cpn.or.kr/journal/view.html?doi=10.9758/cpn.2018.16.3.346 <-- This was done with gapanentin enacarbil, a relative of gabapentin.

I take it for sleep/anxiety and it definitely works. It's something you can become physically dependent on, though :/...and for me, I believe some of my suicidality can be attributed to it. Just something to look into, maybe. I can imagine there might be some anxiety about legal substances after what happened with SSRI's, though.

Does the kratom and phenibut help you sleep?

I remember you telling me about the Soviets inducing akathisia.
I almost went insane from the few days I had it, as well,
so I don't know how you've gone this long dealing with it.

I can relate to the whole exhaustion thing...tired of--being tired of fighting all the time.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I fucking hate how the most helpful things can be illegal.

Have you considered gabapentin for the akathisia?
I just did some quick research and some studies show it's helped reduce antipsychotic-induced akathisia:

1. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15812271/
2. http://www.cpn.or.kr/journal/view.html?doi=10.9758/cpn.2018.16.3.346 <-- This was done with gapanentin enacarbil, a relative of gabapentin.

I take it for sleep/anxiety and it definitely works. It's something you can become physically dependent on, though :/...and for me, I believe some of my suicidality can be attributed to it. Just something to look into, maybe. I can imagine there might be some anxiety about legal substances after what happened with SSRI's, though.

Does the kratom and phenibut help you sleep?

I remember you telling me about the Soviets inducing akathisia.
I almost went insane from the few days I had it, as well,
so I don't know how you've gone this long dealing with it.

I can relate to the whole exhaustion thing...tired of--being tired of fighting all the time.

I haven't tried it, but most GABA drugs make the akathisia worse for me. Phenibut, not as much but it also works on a different GABA receptor than most of them, as well as having other effects. If I remember correctly, there is GABAa and GABAb, and phenibut binds to GABAb and only a little to GABAa. The others mostly effect GABAa. But I remember reading that gabapentin doesn't actually bind to those receptors, only mimics them? Can't remember how that works exactly but maybe that means gabapentin is less likely to make akathisia worse? I guess it's worth a shot. Akathisia is very individual, and what can help with one person can cause a severe flare in another. I guess that goes for pretty much any drug. I read a lot that antihistamines like diphenhydramine can help but it makes it much worse for me. I took 5-htp for years with no side effects, but now whenever I take it, my akathisia gets far worse. It sucks because it really did help with anxiety. Benzodiazepines are the same, makes it worse. Thanks for the suggestion though.
I really do feel like I'm only going to get relief from some kind of substance, since taking all the natural methods suggested for years didn't help enough. But the ones that are more likely to help and not have such bad side effects or long term problems are the ones that are illegal and I can't get my hands on. Even marijuana is still illegal where I'm at.

 

[braketimez]

I haven't tried it, but most GABA drugs make the akathisia worse for me. Phenibut, not as much but it also works on a different GABA receptor than most of them, as well as having other effects. If I remember correctly, there is GABAa and GABAb, and phenibut binds to GABAb and only a little to GABAa. The others mostly effect GABAa. But I remember reading that gabapentin doesn't actually bind to those receptors, only mimics them? Can't remember how that works exactly but maybe that means gabapentin is less likely to make akathisia worse? I guess it's worth a shot. Akathisia is very individual, and what can help with one person can cause a severe flare in another. I guess that goes for pretty much any drug. I read a lot that antihistamines like diphenhydramine can help but it makes it much worse for me. I took 5-htp for years with no side effects, but now whenever I take it, my akathisia gets far worse. It sucks because it really did help with anxiety. Benzodiazepines are the same, makes it worse. Thanks for the suggestion though.
I really do feel like I'm only going to get relief from some kind of substance, since taking all the natural methods suggested for years didn't help enough. But the ones that are more likely to help and not have such bad side effects or long term problems are the ones that are illegal and I can't get my hands on. Even marijuana is still illegal where I'm at.

Yeah, you've got it right...Gabapentin only mimics gaba-ergic mechanisms:
" Gabapentin was designed to mimic the neurotransmitter GABA. It does not, however, bind to GABA receptors. Its mechanism of action as an antiepileptic agent likely involves its inhibition of the alpha 2-delta subunit of voltage-gated calcium channels "

Gabapentin - an overview | ScienceDirect Topics

www.sciencedirect.com

I've considered 5-htp for my anxiety but I've got a fear of serotonergic stuff after I had a horrible reaction to zoloft and prozac.
That sucks marijuana is illegal where you're at.

I definitely gotta ask...have you tried CBD before? Curious how you respond to it. It's tough to find a potent/reputable source though.

 

[jrums]

Very well said OP. I also will have to commit suicide because of the damage SSRIs did to me. Have left me a chemically lobotomized and castrated zombie with physical problems as well. And severe sleeplessness among other things.
I just hate that my family, especially my mother, will be so devastated. I try to ease her into the idea but she just ends up crying. My dad is more rational but will also be hurt. But the effects are so horrible it's basically leaving me no choice.
Unfortunately I may have to do it at home using SN so my mother will likely find me. I've been basically housebound for 2 years it would take an elaborate schene to get out. And I honestly don't have the energy. Thinking about leaving a chair with a note in front of the door. Idk.
Unbelievable that drugs supposed to help mental illness can cause something much worse

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Yeah, you've got it right...Gabapentin only mimics gaba-ergic mechanisms:
" Gabapentin was designed to mimic the neurotransmitter GABA. It does not, however, bind to GABA receptors. Its mechanism of action as an antiepileptic agent likely involves its inhibition of the alpha 2-delta subunit of voltage-gated calcium channels "

Gabapentin - an overview | ScienceDirect Topics

www.sciencedirect.com

I've considered 5-htp for my anxiety but I've got a fear of serotonergic stuff after I had a horrible reaction to zoloft and prozac.
That sucks marijuana is illegal where you're at.

I definitely gotta ask...have you tried CBD before? Curious how you respond to it. It's tough to find a potent/reputable source though.

I think I will order some gabapentin. If it does make it worse, it should only be acutely and the kratom would probably help ease that.
Yes, I've tried CBD, but only before my akathisia. I tried it mainly for anxiety and insomnia. It did help some, but it took a while before it actually became effective. The first week of smoking it, I didn't feel anything. Then each week it got a little better. At week three is when I really started to notice a difference, especially with insomnia. I only stopped using it because it was getting too expensive.

Very well said OP. I also will have to commit suicide because of the damage SSRIs did to me. Have left me a chemically lobotomized and castrated zombie with physical problems as well. And severe sleeplessness among other things.
I just hate that my family, especially my mother, will be so devastated. I try to ease her into the idea but she just ends up crying. My dad is more rational but will also be hurt. But the effects are so horrible it's basically leaving me no choice.
Unfortunately I may have to do it at home using SN so my mother will likely find me. I've been basically housebound for 2 years it would take an elaborate schene to get out. And I honestly don't have the energy. Thinking about leaving a chair with a note in front of the door. Idk.
Unbelievable that drugs supposed to help mental illness can cause something much worse

I totally understand. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I'm somewhat similar in that I don't even know if I'd have the energy to go somewhere else. It's sad that simply going to a hotel is exhausting.

It's unbelievable how many people are so severely affected by these drugs. When you go to a doctor for help, they usually just switch you to another damaging drug or up your dose, making your symptoms worse. So many doctors don't even acknowledge that these drugs can do so much harm. It's a nightmare having to get help with akathisia from doctors. They don't seem to understand it or sometimes even admit to it and it can make one feel even more hopeless.

 

[braketimez]

I think I will order some gabapentin. If it does make it worse, it should only be acutely and the kratom would probably help ease that.
Yes, I've tried CBD, but only before my akathisia. I tried it mainly for anxiety and insomnia. It did help some, but it took a while before it actually became effective. The first week of smoking it, I didn't feel anything. Then each week it got a little better. At week three is when I really started to notice a difference, especially with insomnia. I only stopped using it because it was getting too expensive.

Cool. Let me know how the gabapentin goes, if you decide to try it out.
As for the CBD, it sounds like it was helpful. I wonder how it would interact with the akasthisia. But yeah...that stuff is expensive as fuck, haha.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Cool. Let me know how the gabapentin goes, if you decide to try it out.
As for the CBD, it sounds like it was helpful. I wonder how it would interact with the akasthisia. But yeah...that stuff is expensive as fuck, haha.

Will do. Has CBD helped you at all?

 

[braketimez]

Will do. Has CBD helped you at all?

I used it for anxiety at one point. It seemed to help at first, but then the effects seemed non-existent.
I want to try again at some point, though, because when I first began taking it, it really helped with my social anxiety.

In other news, it's my second night tapering down just .5 mg of abilify, and I've got WIDE-AWAKE insomnia.
I'm anticipating going insane in the next week losing sleep. This pisses me off.
Doctor said, "Oh, you won't get withdrawals from abilify!!".
How wrong she was...

I hate this.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Ugh. It should be illegal for doctors to make those kinds of claims. There is no way they are not familiar with the side effects and withdrawals associated with it. But at the end of the day, it's part of their job to sell you the drugs that make them the most money. I hope you get some relief soon. Ability has a super long half life, that sucks. I'm so sorry. Have you tried smoking marijuana? It always helped me in the past with drug withdrawals. I haven't smoked in two or three years, but I'd totally get some now if I could. Have you considered kratom? You shouldn't take it everyday and not for very long because of physical dependence. Which is why I rarely recommend it to anyone, but if it can help with my akathisia then I'd say the odds of it helping you are pretty high.

 

[braketimez]

Ugh. It should be illegal for doctors to make those kinds of claims. There is no way they are not familiar with the side effects and withdrawals associated with it. But at the end of the day, it's part of their job to sell you the drugs that make them the most money. I hope you get some relief soon. Ability has a super long half life, that sucks. I'm so sorry. Have you tried smoking marijuana? It always helped me in the past with drug withdrawals. I haven't smoked in two or three years, but I'd totally get some now if I could. Have you considered kratom? You shouldn't take it everyday and not for very long because of physical dependence. Which is why I rarely recommend it to anyone, but if it can help with my akathisia then I'd say the odds of it helping you are pretty high.

Unfortunately, I freak out really bad on weed. Every single time lol. I've got overactive 5ht2c receptors, and apparently that could be why I don't respond well to weed.

I'll have to think about Kratom if this withdrawal becomes unbearable. I ended up getting SOME sleep, so that's good.

Have you experienced physical dependence with Kratom? If so, what was it like?