Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,182
"This feels weird" I think to myself. I am sitting within a chair. The chair is rather comfy. The bottom is plump, round, and soft. It feels like sitting on a warm and comforting cloud. I am tempted to recline backwards into the soft support that would comfort my aching back. However, I refuse to. I refuse to relax in an otherwise comforting environment. Everything around me contains the very things I crave. The light brown table lined with an assortment of food. Everything from a plump baked turkey, to evenly roasted vegetables and mashed potato, it is a heavenly dream of assorted food. The walls are decorated with faces of laughter and smiles. People holding each other, holding hands, hugging, or just in pure bliss. The furniture was mostly simple yet extravagant. Everything was clean and felt welcoming. That I could arise and simply interact with everything in front of me. However, what stood out to me the most was the very people sitting around me. There were around 10 people total, one of which was my boyfriend. Everyone was laughing heartedly and smiling widely. They playfully made jokes with one another, yet nobody was offended. It felt like a family. A family that I could not relate to. A family I craved. A family that I want. I stare down at my plate and see untouched food. It was served to me a few minutes ago. I was hungry and should be eating but I felt as if I did not deserve it. A person as wretched, disgusting, and hateful like me deserved to eat garbage. My boyfriend noticed my hesitation and softly placed his warm hand on my shoulder "Sweetheart, are you alright?" he said. I looked up with tears in my eyes. With shaking voice, I said "y-yes, er no, or…" I was breaking. I could not finish my sentence. Within ear shot one of the younger members saw me crying and rose op onto his tiny feet "Mommy look! She's crying!". At that instant everyone turned towards me. Their eyes were that of fear and concern. A woman rose out of her seat and hurried after me. She wrapped her arms around me and asked "Are you ok hunny? Please tell us what is wrong". Within an instant all of my rage and envy swelled inside of me. I wriggled my body away from her and rose up to my feet in a huff. Tears streamed down my face and I screamed "It's because of you! It's because of all of you! You all are living the high life! You all have a good and loving family, and I can't have that!" I then turned to my boyfriend and screamed "This is why I avoided you! This is why I lied and said I 'needed space' for 2 weeks! I was jealous of you! Jealous of your life and family and how I wasn't so lucky! I was abused and lost everything. I am bitter, angry, and hate myself most of all!" and at that point I felt a release. All of my feelings finally came out of me. But the damage had been done. Everyone stared at me in shock. My boyfriend was both pained and disgusted. After realizing what I had done I rushed out the door and took off down the block. If I don't commit suicide now, I will be a real failure.
