Venting The pain is compounding

[willitpass]

It seems that my body hurts more every day. My bones and muscles ache so so bad. It seems a good level for me anymore is a 4/10. I'm sitting at a 6/10 right now. It's constant. And the fatigue. God the fatigue. Maybe I'm severely anemic Im not sure. The brain fog is horrible. Im so dehydrated and hungry. But I have to stay that way. Everything is getting worse by the day.

 

[willitpass]

I've been craving this ice cream place for a few weeks now. I haven't been since I was little but for some reason I remembered it randomly and have been wanting to go ever since. I loved it was I was a child. Maybe it's some sort of dying nostalgia. Maybe it's regular nostalgia. Maybe it's my eating disorder. Maybe it's all 3. Unfortunately I don't know that I'll be able to get it. Ice cream is a no go, it's far from on my list of safe foods. I also have not been feeling well enough to drive lately. It used to be that as long as I had some carbs about 15 minutes before driving I would be okay, nowadays the low blood sugar symptoms are constant, regardless of if I have carbs. It makes me wonder what's causing the symptoms if it isn't my blood sugar. Regardless, I've been avoiding driving as much as possible, only for absolute necessities, which isn't very often for me. I may get a ride to my doctors appointment to be on the safe side. I may never get to have that ice cream.

 

[willitpass]

God the chest pain is crushing. Every time I stand up or move too much it feels like my heart is going to explode. I can't wait for the day I die.
Will my death be ruled suicide when the time comes? I'm not doing it to die, I'm doing it to hurt, but I know it's killing me. It's not the intention, but rather a secondary benefit. Obviously it doesn't matter. I won't be around for it. But I wonder what my manner of death will be.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I'm sorry you're going through this, I wouldn't wish an ED on my worst enemy. I know how hard it can be to flout your safe foods, but if you're going to die anyway, you might as well give your ED the middle finger one last time.

 

[willitpass]

My knees and back hurt so horribly. My ankles too. A family member invited me to go out for a couple errands with them today, I agreed. It was exhausting. Even walking to the car made me feel like I needed a nap (they drove not me). I spent probably 20 minutes in the changing room because trying things on was a process slower than a sloth with how I'm feeling anymore. We were out for maybe a couple of hours. They offered lunch, I felt too bad to refuse. I spent 10 minutes debating over the menu before I decided what option felt safest, and even then only allowed myself half. And forced myself to only drink half of my drink despite how thirsty I was. I came home and rest the rest of the day because it was so exhausting. Everything hurts so horribly. I just want to die. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to die. I hope this chest pain I've been having is a sign of things getting worse. I am so ready to go whenever the universe decides to take me. Hopefully it happens at home where I won't be found. It would be my luck for it to happen in public and I be saved.
Oftentimes I don't see myself properly, physically that is. My body dysmorphia is so bad I can look in the mirror and see a twig and two seconds later think I'm obese. I don't know what I look like. Today, though, I wore a pair of pants I've had for awhile now. I need to get new ones, they don't fit at all anymore, but I just simply can't be bothered. They're falling off of me even with the belt all the way tight. I remembered today that I have pictures of me in these pants from a few years ago. I just went and took picture of me today and then put them side by side of two years ago. I think that's the only way I'm able to see the way I truly look. It's like I've shrunk in half. Pants I used to fill out and now my legs are like twigs in them. Skin that used to be nice and tan now dusky and dry. The light has completely gone from my eyes (the old photos were from a better period during a happy event so I look well in them). Sometimes I see that I'm unwell when I look in the mirror, but it doesn't hit the same way as looking at those photos side by side. Those pants are a physical representation of me withering away.