The only thing that could change my mind is my ex returning

[saturn1402]

I know it sounds crazy. I shouldn't put my whole life worth on one person. But he was genuinely my everything, he showed me light and love and kindness I never experienced in 30 years. He broke up with me in a very very bad way (he called the cops on me to get me to move out. He couldn't stand my suicidal thoughts which I had for 2/3 months and I kinda understand him for that but I feel like he gave up on me when I really needed to be saved. He abandonment me when he knew I was planning my suicide. I felt like it was the most cruel thing in the world but I don't want to blame him I am sure I wasn't an easy partner at all).

2 months passed and the only reason I am still here is because I am hoping he would understand he loves me and wants to be with me… I hope he does it before it's too late. I'll be waiting until our anniversary date (14th of February).

If he won't reach out by then, I am ready to CTB peacefully.

I am fighting every day to do my best to feel fine, and everyone started believing I am actually fine again. Everyone made me feel like I am a burden with my feelings and sadness… so I just keep it for myself. And it's exhausting. I'm so tired. Everything reminds me of him. I even moved abroad. I go to church. I socialise a lot. I tried therapy. I tried medications. I tried everything. But nothing makes fade away the feeling of guilt, shame and how much I miss him every second of my life.

I'm tired. I want to CTB so badly but I am so afraid to do it while he is realising he wants to be with me .

 

[Leiot]

I wish I could but I can't say anything to relieve your pain so here's a hug.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Your ex coming back could save you, yet you were planning on killing yourself when you were together? I don't understand the logic there.

He literally fucked off when you needed him the most.

It seems you're seeing things with Rose tinted glasses. It's important to remember you were planning on ending your life while with this person, so ask yourself how would he now, all of a sudden, save you, but couldn't then? This makes no sense.

I understand you miss him, and break ups and really hard, but please look at this logically.

 

[saturn1402]

Your ex coming back could save you, yet you were planning on killing yourself when you were together? I don't understand the logic there.

He literally fucked off when you needed him the most.

It seems you're seeing things with Rose tinted glasses. It's important to remember you were planning on ending your life while with this person, so ask yourself how would he now, all of a sudden, save you, but couldn't then? This makes no sense.

I understand you miss him, and break ups and really hard, but please look at this logically.

I started planning to end my life when he confessed me that he cheated on me years before and he broke up with me. Knowing he cheated broke my heart so much I can't describe. He didn't understand why I couldn't just move on since it happened years before. He couldn't stand my emotional reaction (I think I might have BDP and only realised it at the end of the relationship).

Looking back I am not sure I was actually really suicidal or at least until he was with me I was just desperate for him to save me. But now I am 100% sure I want to end my life if he won't return.

I am not crazy or mentally ill. I just love him so much and life with him , despite the past year together has been truly truly amazing but I had so much childhood trauma I never realise to be a good partner

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about that and all the events that happened before your relationship with him. Any reason or cause of suffering is valid and CTB is indeed a personal decision. I hope you are able to find peace in whatever you decide to do, and ultimately for your goals or plans to work out in your favor.

 

[AuroraB]

Here's the thing. Partners who abandon us will do it over and over and over and over. There's a breakup, so much grief, hope, waiting....then a reunion, a honeymoon period, then reality sets in, drama/pain/heartache and a breakup again. It's endless. I'm old enough to be your mom (or even grandma) and I promise you- the only person that can save you is YOU. If you get back with someone who has already dumped you at your worst (including calling the cops), it will only be worse next time. ALSO- if you love him, you need to want what's best for him, not some fantasy nonsense (illusion) of what's best for you. You don't need somene who will dump you again when things get bad. When a person shows you who they are, believe them the 1st time. He's already shown he's not willing to be a steady and reliable support person.
Sorry but true. From an old lady.

 

[Valhala]

I completely understand you because I have a very similar problem, only she, the woman I loved the most in my life, could give my life meaning again. Do not listen to those who are unable to understand this, not everyone can meet that person who is able to love more than anything and without which everything is meaningless. That is true love and it is the most valuable thing - I sincerely wish you to be together again and happy.

Here's the thing. Partners who abandon us will do it over and over and over and over. There's a breakup, so much grief, hope, waiting....then a reunion, a honeymoon period, then reality sets in, drama/pain/heartache and a breakup again. It's endless. I'm old enough to be your mom (or even grandma) and I promise you- the only person that can save you is YOU. If you get back with someone who has already dumped you at your worst (including calling the cops), it will only be worse next time. ALSO- if you love him, you need to want what's best for him, not some fantasy nonsense (illusion) of what's best for you. You don't need somene who will dump you again when things get bad. When a person shows you who they are, believe them the 1st time. He's already shown he's not willing to be a steady and reliable support person.
Sorry but true. From an old lady.

Don't generalize things, every story is different. It doesn't necessarily mean that someone who left you once or more will do it all the time, it's incorrect to judge the situation in general because each one is specific and I also know about the opposite examples. Everything depends a lot on the reasons why someone left, the state they were in, the circumstances and our own possible mistakes. I don't know how old you are, I'm 54 years old, three marriages and two children, I have enough experience and I know what I'm talking about.

 

[AuroraB]

I completely understand you because I have a very similar problem, only she, the woman I loved the most in my life, could give my life meaning again. Do not listen to those who are unable to understand this, not everyone can meet that person who is able to love more than anything and without which everything is meaningless. That is true love and it is the most valuable thing - I sincerely wish you to be together again and happy.

Don't generalize things, every story is different. It doesn't necessarily mean that someone who left you once or more will do it all the time, it's incorrect to judge the situation in general because each one is specific and I also know about the opposite examples. Everything depends a lot on the reasons why someone left, the state they were in, the circumstances and our own possible mistakes. I don't know how old you are, I'm 54 years old, three marriages and two children, I have enough experience and I know what I'm talking about.

Sure, once in a blue moon, in a situation with an ex-partner who dumps you at your lowest (as saturn stated), it can work out when the dumpee matures. A lot. Only if there's no chaos. I'm 62.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I started planning to end my life when he confessed me that he cheated on me years before and he broke up with me. Knowing he cheated broke my heart so much I can't describe. He didn't understand why I couldn't just move on since it happened years before. He couldn't stand my emotional reaction (I think I might have BDP and only realised it at the end of the relationship).

Looking back I am not sure I was actually really suicidal or at least until he was with me I was just desperate for him to save me. But now I am 100% sure I want to end my life if he won't return.

I am not crazy or mentally ill. I just love him so much and life with him , despite the past year together has been truly truly amazing but I had so much childhood trauma I never realise to be a good partner

He cheated on you so there's another red flag.

I believe you're not crazy or mentally ill, I don't think that of you for one second. I was trying to show you that him coming back isn't going to change anything.

And look, more red flags. Listen, you deserve better than this. A partner is supposed to not cheat on you and support you, no matter what - he is not supportive and disrespects you by cheating on you, that's not love.

BPD is looking at being scrapped in the UK, because it is merely a trauma response and many, many have been labeled with it for no good reason - mostly girls/women that were abused as children. Trust me you don't want that label, it'll follow you throughout your life and you will be viewed by every single professional very differently, and you will not have good experiences. And you'll likely be left in the system to deal with it, because professionals can't handle the label and put us all in a box - the treatment is essentially: therapy, therapy, therapy.

Look at it as you are a traumatised individual, like myself. That is honestly all it is. Trauma responses from childhood trauma. I can relate here, you're not alone in this, I promise.

Therapy can help, but it is incredibly difficult and can make you worse initially, but it's normal. It's hard dealing with trauma. With the right therapeutic support, your trauma can ease a bit. It will always be with you, but it's about learning to manage those feelings and triggers in a better way.

I hope this helps you feel less alone. Look around the site, many of us are here due to complex trauma, and we all understand how rough life is, because of it. Trauma stays with you forever, but you can learn to manage a bit better. We are here for you x