Venting the only reason i haven’t kill myself yet is the fear of failing

[sleepingowl55]

first post here. i can't take it anymore, but i have an immense fear of failing either parcial hanging or ODing on cardiac medications. every second that i'm alive hurts. i remember suffering inside my head since my first memory. depression, panic attacks, eating disorders, bpd, ocd… i'm so tired. i don't want to kill myself because of hating myself so much. i actually have some self-compassion and i don't deserve living in this hell.

 

[Freedomm]

It also scares me that I might wake up after trying. It's more frightening than the attempt itself. It sucks so much. When you try to find peace, but they bring you back to life...

 

[rekt]

Damn. How old are you?

 

[soon4good]

I fear the possible worst case scenario of failing, making the shitty unbearable life somehow exponentially worse.

 

[kitkat9234]

I feel the same. Last attempt I did on impulse and didn't think about anything. Obviously didn't work and ended up in psych ward 72hour hold them inpatient for 30 days. Left me more traumatized. This time I'm too in my head thinking about what if I fail again, what happens after death and then my daughter. Last time I just said fuck it. Now I can't stop overthinking everything. So here I am trapped. I hate how hard it is.

I fear the possible worst case scenario of failing, making the shitty unbearable life somehow exponentially worse.

Same here. Ugh.

 

[sleepingowl55]

I fear the possible worst case scenario of failing, making the shitty unbearable life somehow exponentially worse.

exactly. like ending up with brain damage and not being able to try again. terrifying

 

[txjambi]

I fear this too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand and I also feel the same, all I want is to never suffer in this cruel and torturous existence ever again and I always suffer so much from how I cannot just have the option to die peacefully with no more pain and no more suffering, it's so horrific to me how trying to cease existing can go wrong in this existence where there is no limit as to how much one can be tortured. I see so much cruelty in how we exist in this dreadful anti-suicide world where the option to cease existing that is guaranteed is denied with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, it's all so terrible to me, I hope you find peace.