Venting The only place I could think to put this.

[Graknil]

I live in the midwest north dakota to be specific. That means huge stretches of distance between roads and railroad crossings without gates. I stopped on the tracks today. There was no train insight, but I just sat on the tracks and wondered what it would feel like if the train was there. Would I be able to do it, if I decided it was time to CTB. I doubt it. But it is nice to fantasize about a way out. One big crunch and all of my problems are gone. My car is old and crappy not even a loss to auto enthusiasts, bitter chuckle. I have SN it is safely hidden in a duffle bag. I have COVID right now. Even though my respiratory symptoms are not severe I am sure the reduced function plus even any appreciable amount of SN would help me shove off quite well. I want someone to love me. I want to be someones reason to get up in the morning. I promise I was a great husband. We were retired in our 40s before she divorced me. Debt free, I had been reading about emotional validation and love language because I wanted to be a wonderful husband. No I am learning that I had a wife who wasn't. That I have been emotionally abused, gas lit and basically used as a cash cow for years. My self esteem is gone. I guess I was codependant and thought the care I brought to the relationship made me a good man. I don't want to feel this hurt and loneliness anymore. I don't know what feels good or bad I am so lost. I just want to turn to dust and be forgotten.

 

[keitaro]

you sound like such a caring person. it's terrible that you were used like that. what an incredible heartache.

 

[FuneralCry]

People really can be so cruel and to me it is awful the way that many people treat others. I'm sorry that you have to endure so much pain, it is sad how life drives people to this point and I understand the feeling of wanting to be free from everything. I hope that you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I live in the midwest north dakota to be specific. That means huge stretches of distance between roads and railroad crossings without gates. I stopped on the tracks today. There was no train insight, but I just sat on the tracks and wondered what it would feel like if the train was there. Would I be able to do it, if I decided it was time to CTB. I doubt it. But it is nice to fantasize about a way out. One big crunch and all of my problems are gone. My car is old and crappy not even a loss to auto enthusiasts, bitter chuckle. I have SN it is safely hidden in a duffle bag. I have COVID right now. Even though my respiratory symptoms are not severe I am sure the reduced function plus even any appreciable amount of SN would help me shove off quite well. I want someone to love me. I want to be someones reason to get up in the morning. I promise I was a great husband. We were retired in our 40s before she divorced me. Debt free, I had been reading about emotional validation and love language because I wanted to be a wonderful husband. No I am learning that I had a wife who wasn't. That I have been emotionally abused, gas lit and basically used as a cash cow for years. My self esteem is gone. I guess I was codependant and thought the care I brought to the relationship made me a good man. I don't want to feel this hurt and loneliness anymore. I don't know what feels good or bad I am so lost. I just want to turn to dust and be forgotten.

I'm so sorry you were gaslit and used. I know the feeling. It's devastating.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

@Graknil I wanted to send you a PM but couldn't due to your privacy settings. Please message me if you read this (it's OK if you don't/prefer not to, I understand). We have something in common and I wanted to reach out to you.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Why would you want to get hit by a train in your car? You'd stand a much better chance of success outside of your car. it doesn't sound like you're going to use this method, anyway, so just saying.

 

[je.suis.prêt]

To be such a nice person is to be one of the few sources of genuine positivity in the world.

I'm so sorry to hear that it was used against you. You might feel broken, but I think it's worth remembering: you feel broken, you are not broken.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Graknil]

@OpheliasFlowers I know it has been a long time. But if you would still like to talk. I would like that. It is crazy how much has changed how far I have come literally. I haven't talked to her in almost two years. I have a home. I have a nice life. I feel so alone. I am sitting on the floor. It is warm because the coal stove in the basement. I want to talk to someone. I want to connect. I really enjoyed living with someone. I liked the feeling of having someone. Which is sad as I think about it
I miss someone who mistreated me, and made me feel defective at every turn. But I wasn't alone. Trying so hard to be a good partner and a good husband led me here. That is so unfair but no one ever said life was fair.

I wasn't in here much so I don't know my what around to allow DMs and such I will check.