the ones who been suicidal for a long time but didn't attempt or want to CTB anytime soon, what kept you going?

[glitterypearls]

I'll be CTB sometime this year, I'm very much terrified of death, how my last moments would be, will it be peaceful? would I regret it? it's pretty scary. I been hoping something happen that make me change my mind, so I'm asking the ones who don't plan on CTB anytime soon, what kept you going? I'd love any type of advice.

I realize there is two type : the ones who immediately act on their suicidal thoughts and the ones who stay for years without attempting or having any plan to CTB anytime soon, I wish I'd be the 2nd type since death really scare me. I'm jealous of both type if I'm being honest.

 

[TAW122]

For me I do wish that I had CTB'd even before the pandemic, especially knowing how shitty life can become (and will likely become worse as time goes on). I don't wish to continue to gamble sentience in the coming years, let alone live to old age. As of now, I'm still having difficulties accessing my method that I once had access to, and in search of finding something reliable, as painless or minimal discomfort as possible.

 

[LazyDepression]

i guess for me it would be my family i dont want to hurt them in anyway, they are my rock i know if i didnt have them id be long gone.
i hope you find your rock try looking around at the people who are around you and think how you would hurt them and how they would suffer for it.
i do when things take a nasty turn for me i would rather suffer living than cause my family to suffer insted.

 

[lili]

For me I think I just am scared of dying in a violent way. I would prefer a more peaceful way. So I tend to do pills as a gamble to see if someday I hit the jackpot. But for the last ten years it hasn't been the case and it just leads to more problems. I wish I could gain access to SN or the other one that is even more peaceful that I forgot the name of think its N? Anyways, they're both hard to get and I'm just too dumb to figure out how to do it. I've been on this website for a year and I still don't understand how to get it. I got the SN back when it was easy to get, but it got confiscated by my Roomate. I also chickened out when I was about to do it for the first time since a friend of mine said people who attempt without telling anyone are psychopaths and the image I leave in this world somehow affected me. It was an idiotic comment my friend said, but it still hurt.

Anyways I really just want to leave, but I'm also just tired of trying so I'm just sort of floating around at this point.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I've been suicidal for years, and was originally intending on doing it later this year, either in the summer or the fall. The things that kept me going were hobbies that I liked to distract myself with, but those don't interest me anymore at all. Other than that, it was the fear of hurting the people I care about and the fear of what comes after death that kept me going.

I'm really close to overcoming those fears now, and since I've come very close to attempting twice in the past month, I'm done putting it off. I'm just going to keep making a new plan every couple of weeks until I get it right. I hope no one tries to stop me, but if they do, they'll be wasting their time if they think they can change my mind.

 

[7@vuse99]

I'll be CTB sometime this year, I'm very much terrified of death, how my last moments would be, will it be peaceful? would I regret it? it's pretty scary. I been hoping something happen that make me change my mind, so I'm asking the ones who don't plan on CTB anytime soon, what kept you going? I'd love any type of advice.

I realize there is two type : the ones who immediately act on their suicidal thoughts and the ones who stay for years without attempting or having any plan to CTB anytime soon, I wish I'd be the 2nd type since death really scare me. I'm jealous of both type if I'm being honest.

I have attempted to ctb twice now but obviously failed. During my second stay in a mental health institution I met my best friend. We are both completely fucked in the head, but I must be here for her bc if I don't she'll join me really, really soon. She is the most beautiful, wonderful person I have ever met, and I want her to get to experience the best of the world with my support. Even if I have to struggle to do so... That's been enough to keep me going so far.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

My suicidal thoughts started in August/September of 2010, aged 19. I was seriously considering it. I hadn't decided on the exact method yet, but I felt that things were never going to get better for me. That turned out to be true and then some. Things got irrevocably worse as I got older.

A close friend of mine ended up taking his own life shortly afterwards that same year. He was the first person I'd ever viewed at a morgue before. It devastated all of us and his family, of course. After seeing what his family went through, I felt that I couldn't put mine through the same. That snapped me out of it for a long time.

Unfortunately, I continued to decline as time went by and the suicidal thoughts crept back in to the stage they're at now, which is almost constant.

My friend left no note, but we have an idea as why he chose to leave. If I go, I want everybody to have closure. I'll be leaving more than just a note.

 

[fhbpd]

I'm terrified of two things: failing the attempt and the pain I would cause to my loved ones if I'd succeed. I have a few phases where I'm stable and living is bearable enough, but any other time I just feel trapped in this life and paralyzed by these fears, so I never attempt. I already have the SN, I just lack the guts to follow through.

 

[kindalone]

There are multiple reasons. Some kept me temporarily above water and some continue to keep me afloat. Temporary things were new jobs or hobbies. There are also random mundane events that make me forget how shitty life is sometimes. 2022 was proably a shitty year but I only remember watching the new Spiderman movie and being super happy about it. My family also continues to uplift me despite me being super negative about everything. Finally, I'm just a coward. Even if my life instantly turns into the biggest mess and I've had the most painless methods to ctb in front of me, I'd probably still keep living. Unfortunately, I still feel like life is somewhat pointless suffering and the fear of death just forces me to eat shit everyday.

 

[orca87]

I'm scared of dying.
Also, my mom lost two children already. I'm the last one.
I begged her to let me go but she can't.

 

[HopelessSoul]

Countless visits to doctors hoping for a cure of a condition I already knew was permanent, it's been ten years so now the only things that keep me here are not having access to N and the fear of other methods.

 

[Aisley]

I'd planned to do it on starting uni. Out of my mother's house and all, where she wouldn't have to walk in on a body, you know? But instead, I got distracted by sex and drugs. Had a ball, passed nearly a decade that way. Work, getting fucked up, life, pretty much. Shit happened, and now I'm married with a kid. So there's some more years to wait. Life happens when you don't pay attention, I guess.

 

[blue94]

I was scared of surviving and pain. But now that I learned about SN I feel like it won't be long. But prior I didn't have access to guns, nor did I want to jump off a building or in front of a bus just because of traumatizing others (and risk of survival).

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really understand why anyone would envy suicidal people who want to die yet still feel trapped here in this world. I only envy those who are already gone, it certainly can be so awful and tiring wishing to gone yet feeling unable to go through with ctb.

The reason as to why I'm still trapped here is that we exist in a world where suicide is so unnecessarily difficult and complicated with limited access to more reliable methods. Not everyone can just easily access reliable methods, everybody is in different situations, and it seems like methods are becoming more and more restricted as time goes on. We do exist in such an anti suicide society after all.

 

[littlesadcake]

My mum. She would be all alone in the world without anyone else. I owe all the times I was happy to her and she had to put up with me for so long. I've not been a good daughter to her and I really really wanted to make her proud. I will be CTB soon but the thought of doing something like this to her and how upset she would be is really sad. If there is a next life, I think I would put everything into making her happy

 

[Buddha.chris]

I'm scared I don't know if it will be peaceful or successful I'm beyond scared honestly the only peace of mind I have is that I will be doing it to myself on my own choosing which will be soon

 

[Elohim]

You know, this thing about wanting to be as peaceful as possible when you are going to meet your maker. When I think how much inhumane things have happened not just to me, but what several people are going through right now, and I think: after all of this suffer I've been through, does it matter that much for my final moment to be as perfect and peaceful as possible, if my actual goal and freedom is just a few steps ahead?
If I've endured so much for such useless and authoritarian shits, so much stomachache due to gastritis due to stress, abuse and whatever, what is some minutes/hours of a necessary pain for our goal?
All of this that I said is kind of hypocrite and irrelevant if we consider much the development and freedom to talk about suicide we have, I'm still looking for so many things, from so many sources, and after all of this is done, we have the final mind barrier

 

[itsallpointless]

3 main reasons:
Parents, fear of afterlife and a deluded sense of hope

 

[locked*n*loaded]

As an only child, I hung around much longer than I intended because I knew my mom needed help, so I couldn't just up and go and do that to her. She was too good of a mom. She has passed now and I'm just tying up some loose ends, getting affairs in order, and hope to go as soon as practicably possible, hopefully in the relatively near future. I'm tired and I'm ready and there's no point in existing as I am.

 

[Rob1984]

There's a handful of reasons why I haven't ctb, but the primary reason is I don't want to do it until I've exhausted all my resources that have the potential to lead me to a happier life. If I were to ctb today, I would feel like I didn't give myself a fair chance to a better life because there are still avenues I have not tried. Basically, I don't want to feel as if I have cheated myself. Another thing that keeps me going is that I know there are a lot of other people in this world who truly have things worse than me, but they are actually happier, which proves to me a lot of my own suffering is psychological. Maybe if I can figure out a way to shape my reality better, and love/respect myself more, then maybe I'll slowly get better.

One day I will die. At least I think so? It would really fucking suck if I happen to be the first immortal human...

Anyway, I'm just not ready to surrender yet.

 

[catastrophix]

My situation basically makes the choice for me— I'm under supervision a majority of the time,
so I can't really make any preparations to go through CTB at this moment. I still have some hesitation to go through with it when I can, though. Mostly because the thought of someone finding my body and all of my sketchbooks and journals and notes on my phone makes me feel beyond dreadful. There's a lot of mental anguish in them that I don't want people to stumble across. I know I can delete/get rid of them, but if I fail at CTB, I'd probably regret getting rid of them.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

no money to buy the more peaceful methods and afraid that free methods are painful or could fail such as jumping or drowning, im useless with my hands so cant even tie a proper knot to hang. so right now im stuck in limbo, im afraid im going to be forced to jump.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've hung on because there have been people I thought wouldn't get over it. My Dad is the only person remaining now. I'm hoping I'll have the guts to do it when he's gone but I have to admit- I'm frightened too.

 

[letmechoosemyfate]

Procrastination and fear i need to get rid of. Yeah i'm a desperate mongrel. Oh and i realized this thread was for people that didn't attempt ctb. I did but hey a perspective of someone that did

 

[cwsyf]

I always have found a reason to be optimistic about things getting better so I put it off and I always end up getting burnt in the end.

Almost ctb a few years back but was found and "saved" after I sent my ex-fiancée a goodbye message and put it off in hopes that things would get better because of my daughter or if I built my life up and all of that seems to be pointless now.

The past few months have just been me hoping I can find a source for SN or something comparably peaceful because the methods available to me all have margin for error and I'm terrified of ending up severely brain damaged and stuck without the ability to ctb for the rest of my life.

 

[Actively inactive]

I'll be CTB sometime this year, I'm very much terrified of death, how my last moments would be, will it be peaceful? would I regret it? it's pretty scary. I been hoping something happen that make me change my mind, so I'm asking the ones who don't plan on CTB anytime soon, what kept you going? I'd love any type of advice.

I realize there is two type : the ones who immediately act on their suicidal thoughts and the ones who stay for years without attempting or having any plan to CTB anytime soon, I wish I'd be the 2nd type since death really scare me. I'm jealous of both type if I'm being honest.

Fear, not of death just of getting hurt

 

[DarkWillow22]

Honestly not much has kept me going. I have noticed that as time goes on, I have become less happy and more irritable towards others, and more sad and depressed alone or with online friends. I've had a significant other for the entire time that I've been really focused on being suicidal and if you look at the progression of our interactions, it came to a peak and I nearly forgot all about CTB when he and I really got together (we were across the USA from each other prior) but then made a steep drop into self loathing.
So all in all.. the thing keeping me from planning or attempting CTB is really the access, I can't get a method, life sucks, and I wish I could CTB.

 

[20ClownRules]

I've been wanting to since teen years. I'm 20 now, but... I'm only going because my parents are making me go.
That, and my friends.

 

[leftdreaming]

Peer pressure and false hope. Both are still with me.

 

[TiredOrbit]

The fear of failing and ending up in a mental hospital after, and leaving my bf behind. Particularly the later.