I have this date with this woman from a dating app on Saturday. For me it is very important to have deep and sophisticated exchanges and our conversations are simply not that and will never be like that. I just cannot change myself. This is simply not me (to like our conversations). I cannot change who I am. Maybe she will notice how obsessed I am with intelligence and perceive me as the disgusting human shit I am. Maybe that's a little bit exagerrated.
I know an autistic friend he does not respond to my messages anymore. He is extremely obsessed with IQ even more than me. He once told me a partnership is never about intelligence. I think he went more and more hardcore on IQ and lost his relationship recently maybe because of that.
However, finding intelligence and education attractive is not extremely harmful. It feel fraudulent and shallow for sure. But it is no crime. We cannot change who we are. (But we can despise ourselves till the end for it jk)
I had some chances to find a girlfriend in my life. Ironically I had better chances with women when I was a very obese teenager. I was not very interested into relationships to that time. So many people bullied me I could never wrap my head around the notion that a woman actually likes me. Interestingly despite all the self-hatred I consider myself attractive nowadays. Just because I am very skinny and obsessed by my BMI. However, such obsessions are easily to see through and very unattractive. It does not help that I get very easily psychotic with women. I had female friends as obese teenager. Nowadays, that has become seldom. The only reason I can text that good with the woman I date soon is that I am not really interested in her. When I was a student in my last year at school someone wanted to make a match between me and someone else. It was another careerist woman. I did not trust her. I knew my inner mind and how careerists think. And I hated that. I did not want a woman who was similar to me. Interestingly she tried to manipulate me after my psychotic breakdown when I had to repeat my last years. I dodged her and prefered to sit next to the junkie who smelled disgusting (and destroyed his brain with drugz). I am pretty glad I never chose her as a partner. Barely any women would have stick to me after my psychotic breakdown. This feeling of being left must hurt like hell. I never was in a relationship but it is always in my mind this calculations. Yes it sucks ass to be alone. I crave so much for it. But relationships can have consequences. Sometimes they are detrimental.
I recently talked to my closest college friend. He is also starts relationships if he knows they won't last long. His last gf broke up with him because he told her he cannot imagine to be still together with her in 12 months. I told him this story I once met an extremely good looking borderline woman in a clinic. She was very heavy into drugs and smoked cigarettes all the time. (horrible smell). I told him taking hard drugs was a red flag for me. And he really wondered why I did not agree on a relationship. I think he mostly thought about sex with her. Honestly, I think I would feel dirty thinking like that. Not a few borderline woman have experienced sexual traumata. Moreover, she wanted real intensive love lasting forever. Borderline people are anxious about someone leaving. Honestly, it would have been such a dick move to exploit her so sex. However, her outer appearance was amazing. I seem to be a good person. Or a stupid person. Or both. Lol.
Or after my first psychosis I was in this clinic for people with psychosis. There was a guy who laughed about his psychosis. He was not aware about the consequences of it. He told me he pressured himself to get a girlfriend so fucking much. And he kind of bragged in front of me of having had a girlfriend. I think one reason he got a psychosis was that he drunk insane amounts of energy drinks. Not a smart choice. I can remember we had a walk. He told me he witnessed terrible things at elderly care. And I told him that I watched gore. I wondered why I had a psychosis. But watching gore was a coping mechanism of dealing with the domestic violence. I think I never wanted to be like that. To want anyone as partner. I can understand of wanting to have experienced sex with a woman before dying. I am ambivalent on it. I consider to go to an escort service before I ctb. But for practical reasons I don't know there are also some disadvantages. It is unlikely that I will do it.
I dislike this notion of having to get in one relationship at all costs. If I am in a relationship I want to be loyal and show commitment. And if you are not really convinced about the partnership I rather skip it. I did not have that many chances in the past. And I also lowered my demands. But I also asked myself whether I am stupid. This woman seems to like me. She accepts that I am mentally ill. But I simply very attracted to intelligence.
At the same time dating feels fraudulent to me. I have to hide so much of the shit that is going in m life. All the demons. If any woman knew what was going on they would run away. This is also why my love delusions in my self-help group are so unrealistic. They know what is going on. Noone wants to join a sinking ship.
What do you think about this notion? How do you deal with it?
I know an autistic friend he does not respond to my messages anymore. He is extremely obsessed with IQ even more than me. He once told me a partnership is never about intelligence. I think he went more and more hardcore on IQ and lost his relationship recently maybe because of that.
However, finding intelligence and education attractive is not extremely harmful. It feel fraudulent and shallow for sure. But it is no crime. We cannot change who we are. (But we can despise ourselves till the end for it jk)
I had some chances to find a girlfriend in my life. Ironically I had better chances with women when I was a very obese teenager. I was not very interested into relationships to that time. So many people bullied me I could never wrap my head around the notion that a woman actually likes me. Interestingly despite all the self-hatred I consider myself attractive nowadays. Just because I am very skinny and obsessed by my BMI. However, such obsessions are easily to see through and very unattractive. It does not help that I get very easily psychotic with women. I had female friends as obese teenager. Nowadays, that has become seldom. The only reason I can text that good with the woman I date soon is that I am not really interested in her. When I was a student in my last year at school someone wanted to make a match between me and someone else. It was another careerist woman. I did not trust her. I knew my inner mind and how careerists think. And I hated that. I did not want a woman who was similar to me. Interestingly she tried to manipulate me after my psychotic breakdown when I had to repeat my last years. I dodged her and prefered to sit next to the junkie who smelled disgusting (and destroyed his brain with drugz). I am pretty glad I never chose her as a partner. Barely any women would have stick to me after my psychotic breakdown. This feeling of being left must hurt like hell. I never was in a relationship but it is always in my mind this calculations. Yes it sucks ass to be alone. I crave so much for it. But relationships can have consequences. Sometimes they are detrimental.
I recently talked to my closest college friend. He is also starts relationships if he knows they won't last long. His last gf broke up with him because he told her he cannot imagine to be still together with her in 12 months. I told him this story I once met an extremely good looking borderline woman in a clinic. She was very heavy into drugs and smoked cigarettes all the time. (horrible smell). I told him taking hard drugs was a red flag for me. And he really wondered why I did not agree on a relationship. I think he mostly thought about sex with her. Honestly, I think I would feel dirty thinking like that. Not a few borderline woman have experienced sexual traumata. Moreover, she wanted real intensive love lasting forever. Borderline people are anxious about someone leaving. Honestly, it would have been such a dick move to exploit her so sex. However, her outer appearance was amazing. I seem to be a good person. Or a stupid person. Or both. Lol.
Or after my first psychosis I was in this clinic for people with psychosis. There was a guy who laughed about his psychosis. He was not aware about the consequences of it. He told me he pressured himself to get a girlfriend so fucking much. And he kind of bragged in front of me of having had a girlfriend. I think one reason he got a psychosis was that he drunk insane amounts of energy drinks. Not a smart choice. I can remember we had a walk. He told me he witnessed terrible things at elderly care. And I told him that I watched gore. I wondered why I had a psychosis. But watching gore was a coping mechanism of dealing with the domestic violence. I think I never wanted to be like that. To want anyone as partner. I can understand of wanting to have experienced sex with a woman before dying. I am ambivalent on it. I consider to go to an escort service before I ctb. But for practical reasons I don't know there are also some disadvantages. It is unlikely that I will do it.
I dislike this notion of having to get in one relationship at all costs. If I am in a relationship I want to be loyal and show commitment. And if you are not really convinced about the partnership I rather skip it. I did not have that many chances in the past. And I also lowered my demands. But I also asked myself whether I am stupid. This woman seems to like me. She accepts that I am mentally ill. But I simply very attracted to intelligence.
At the same time dating feels fraudulent to me. I have to hide so much of the shit that is going in m life. All the demons. If any woman knew what was going on they would run away. This is also why my love delusions in my self-help group are so unrealistic. They know what is going on. Noone wants to join a sinking ship.
What do you think about this notion? How do you deal with it?
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