The never ending paradox of knowing CTB is the best option for you, but always being too scared to act on it

[UglyLife82]

I feel like i'm at my wits fucking end. I truly can't take my life anymore. There's no hope for the future or any chance of it getting better. Knowing this, I've obviously come to the conclusion that CTB is my only option.

Even knowing this, why is it still so damn hard to go through with it? Why do I willingly put myself through this pain and suffering? It makes no sense. I guess the human biological tendency to survive is stronger than I thought

Anyone have any thoughts on this paradox? It's so frustrating, and it makes me feel like a coward for not being able to CTB

 

[rs929]

Your body wants to live. And you are your body too. It's just amazing how much this society can alienate us that the mind goes against the body

 

[wham311]

Every five seconds I try to think of a way to kill myself but I know I xant

 

[ApparentlyNot]

I relate and feel the same; I don't want to live anymore, so I don't understand why I struggle to kill myself. It's hard for me to accept a simple "well that's just physiological" or "it's innate survival instinct," because it feels like something my conscious self should have control over - it feels like a logical conclusion to end my life. I do wonder if it's some entirely subconscious hope for a life I wish I could be living, something some part of my psyche doesn't realize is unfeasible - like if someone who lost their legs struggled to CTB due to the strong desire for a life with legs. I don't know. Anyway, it's incredibly, deeply irritating. I do not want to wake up so I don't know why I can't make that happen for myself. Even thinking about it scares me despite every day of my life being entirely devoid of value and joy.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm in the same boat. I've gotten close to exiting many times now, but could never get myself to do it, even though I really wanted to. I still want to, but I don't know how I can ever get past the survival instinct barrier. I'm also afraid that the other side will be just as terrible or worse than life is now.

 

[diopdawe]

I had a suicide attempt with full suspension hanging. I didn't kick the chair away and when SI kicked in, I slowly climbed back on the chair. Survival instinct is truly a bitch. Next time I'll try, I will use a lot of benzos, hoping that benzos will lower SI.

 

[thedevilwithin]

it's truly a fucking bitch. i am miserable every fucking day, but i do nothing. it's restless and so draining.

 

[polm]

Absolutely relate. I'm too chicken to hang myself. Worried I'll be brain damaged but health getting worse anyway. Just never ending suffering..