Discussion the more accessible ctb is, the less I want to ctb

[guayabas]

anyone else experience this too? It just feels calming to me, like I could if I wanted to. Nothing is forcing me to be alive and that makes life seem that much more bearable. I mean, I'm p sure I'm still gonna end up doing it eventually. I really don't see the things driving me to wanna ctb ever changing. perhaps. but if not, I have an out. I don't have to worry about the future, I can just chill until I'm done. Like the Last Door in The Good Place

 

[FadingSunshine]

I feel the exact same way, it's why I'm fixated on portable methods. Having the knowledge that I could leave our game of life at any moment makes me feel a lot more open to possibilities in my life. Why should I be afraid of consequences if I could just kill myself if things don't go my way? I'm thinking of putting sn in pills and having them nearby just in case, and I'm trying to learn partial to have another option. Let me know what methods you're thinking of please so I can add them to the list!

 

[guayabas]

I feel the exact same way, it's why I'm fixated on portable methods. Having the knowledge that I could leave our game of life at any moment makes me feel a lot more open to possibilities in my life. Why should I be afraid of consequences if I could just kill myself if things don't go my way? I'm thinking of putting sn in pills and having them nearby just in case, and I'm trying to learn partial to have another option. Let me know what methods you're thinking of please so I can add them to the list!

nitrogen is my preferred method. I was thinking charcoal for a while bc reading is hard for me and inert gas sounded really complicated but now nitrogen is sounding more simple than the charcoal route. def not portable lmao but I'm not planning on doing anything sketchy. Just make good food and read some books or whatever

 

[FadingSunshine]

Lol I'm not planning on doing anything sketchy either, although I can see how my wording could've implied that. I was meaning like the consequences of messing up a job, asking someone out just for rejection, but mostly just to have a quick exit for when I felt my time here was done and I have no more willingness to continue living.

 

[doneforlife]

Yes. Infact, I would live peacefully knowing that I have a failsafe method if things go south. It would honestly be the greatest support system mentally..if I have the option to exit in a painless manner. In fact there is an article where an individual was granted wish to die because of some mental illness and having this backup , the individual went on to live , never ever using that option. Just think of the freedom one gets with this. One doesn't have to hold on to toxic relationship, one doesn't have to hold on to dead end job...one doesn't have to hold on to so many things that they forcefully hold on to..just because they are afraid of taking the jump and failing and finally resorting to a painful life.

 

[guayabas]

Lol I'm not planning on doing anything sketchy either, although I can see how my wording could've implied that. I was meaning like the consequences of messing up a job, asking someone out just for rejection, but mostly just to have a quick exit for when I felt my time here was done and I have no more willingness to continue living.

glad you're not planning on doing anything sketchy :) I condone certain sketchy things but not others. but earning money for someone else is bullshit and asking ppl out is rad, I never thought of it that way!

 

[Death is my goal]

it just means you're not ready to ctb yet

 

[guayabas]

Yes. Infact, I would live peacefully knowing that I have a failsafe method if things go south. It would honestly be the greatest support system mentally..if I have the option to exit in a painless manner. In fact there is an article where an individual was granted wish to die because of some mental illness and having this backup , the individual went on to live , never ever using that option. Just think of the freedom one gets with this. One doesn't have to hold on to toxic relationship, one doesn't have to hold on to dead end job...one doesn't have to hold on to so many things that they forcefully hold on to..just because they are afraid of taking the jump and failing and finally resorting to a painful life.

many years ago when I was younger and naive about how to ctb, I thought I had access to a way out and it kept me going. I was bed bound and couldn't pay rent and waiting to find out if I was going to get on SSI. I had decided if I was denied that I'd take the pills, but it really helped me get through those 6 months waiting to hear if I was gonna be homeless or not, believing I had an out.

 

[FadingSunshine]

glad you're not planning on doing anything sketchy :) I condone certain sketchy things but not others. but earning money for someone else is bullshit and asking ppl out is rad, I never thought of it that way!

Nah sorry I wouldn't actually kill myself from those, it's just part of life, it's just like low points that make me realize I'm not willing to live any longer. Sorry I'm barely coherent this is just a topic I've been questioning myself on so I barely know my own thoughts on this.

 

[guayabas]

it just means you're not ready to ctb yet

yeah, maybe. there are honestly a lot of things I love about life and myself. unfortunately there are also a lot of huge things in my life that are out of my control and necessary for me to want to keep going, and so far I'm convinced those things will never be accessible to me

 

[doneforlife]

many years ago when I was younger and naive about how to ctb, I thought I had access to a way out and it kept me going. I was bed bound and couldn't pay rent and waiting to find out if I was going to get on SSI. I had decided if I was denied that I'd take the pills, but it really helped me get through those 6 months waiting to hear if I was gonna be homeless or not, believing I had an out.

Yes. True. People and especially pro-lifers need to be made aware that what they are doing is the opposite of "helping" . This is what real help looks like..

 

[guayabas]

Nah sorry I wouldn't actually kill myself from those, it's just part of life, it's just like low points that make me realize I'm not willing to live any longer. Sorry I'm barely coherent this is just a topic I've been questioning myself on so I barely know my own thoughts on this.

I wouldn't kill myself if i was rejected lol, but having that perspective might give me the motivation to say fuck it to my inhibitions and do something that made me feel nervous. Job stuff though, I'm disabled so when I was working, I was working paycheck to paycheck and constantly getting fired from jobs for being unable to perform or show up. I was constantly one wrong twist away from homelessness and having an out would have made that a lot less stressful for me at that time in my life

and no worries, communication is hard for me a lot too :) plus I just read bad lol so apologies if I misinterpret anything

Yes. True. People and especially pro-lifers need to be made aware that what they are doing is the opposite of "helping" . This is what real help looks like..

yeah i think pro lifers should pay my rent if they really wanna help me not ctb lol

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

where i live now, i am very limited as far as options go. but i can see what you're saying. find a method and keep it as a reserve option. what really made me want to ctb is that my mobility has gone down the drain over the past few years. for some odd reason, it somehow improved today. don't know how long that will last but there are other things that won't keep me here much longer.
didn't know you were disabled. very sorry to hear that.

 

[guayabas]

where i live now, i am very limited as far as options go. but i can see what you're saying. find a method and keep it as a reserve option. what really made me want to ctb is that my mobility has gone down the drain over the past few years. for some odd reason, it somehow improved today. don't know how long that will last but there are other things that won't keep me here much longer.
didn't know you were disabled. very sorry to hear that.

yeah it was really difficult to adapt to my lack of mobility. I ended up getting the support I needed and as a result I gained a lot more of my mobility back. But covid is a HUGE threat to my mobility so I'm home bound now. I'm basically faced with the choice of being home bound or bed bound. And being bed bound is gonna make ctb a lot more difficult.

I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope you're able to get the support you need and deserve to function regardless of what your body is capable of, and if not, I hope you get access to control of your choice to leave peacefully and painlessly

i worded that very strangely lol it's late and i'm sleep deprived

 

[Gaga786]

Yep. Same feeling. I'm glad that I have a choice to leave whenever I want, so that in itself is very calming. However, it also scares me knowing that something might happen in the future like an illness or accident which might not make me access my method. A part of me just wants to end it

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i'm sleep deprived

i know what that's as well. i don't want to visit a psychiatrist to get sleep meds either. cousin sent me some melatonin. really did nothing for me. but i went to the local pharmacy and showed them the bottle and was told i needed a script XD

 

[guayabas]

i know what that's as well. i don't want to visit a psychiatrist to get sleep meds either. cousin sent me some melatonin. really did nothing for me. but i went to the local pharmacy and showed them the bottle and was told i needed a script XD

yeah melatonin helps a little for me, but not always enough on it's own. what's the dose? I've been taking 5mg which is higher than what I initially started with and I found that helped. but I take a small amount of anxiety meds with it now. at least where I'm at, asking for sleeping pills is a really good way to not get sleeping pills lolsob

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

5mg tablets were what i had. started with one. had no effect. so i took 2. still nothing. i really didn't want to do 3 because when i finally did sleep after mixing with alcohol, i woke up so groggy.

asking for sleeping pills is a really good way to not get sleeping pills lolsob

what a great system we have!

 

[guayabas]

5mg tablets were what i had. started with one. had no effect. so i took 2. still nothing. i really didn't want to do 3 because when i finally did sleep after mixing with alcohol, i woke up so groggy.

yeah i wouldn't recommend taking more than 10mg at all. it works for some ppl and not others

what a great system we have!

right? lmao

 

[day]

Accessibility gives me a lot of comfort tbh. Being able to finally exit seems to be peaceful. Can't say it's made me want to less but I feel a lot more comfortable having SN than not.