The moment i knew i fuck up everything

[Elri]

i took this when i realized basically there's no "undo" bottom and i fuck up my body and i either have to deal with it for it for the rest of my life or cut my life short because i am the blame here what's new

 

[4eyebiped]

Are you talking about visually or physically? Visually you have an absolutely amazing body that probably has half the guys here pulling their jaws off the floor. Physically, I can't tell from the pictures what issues you have, but I know you said you were having motor skill issues?

 

[Elri]

Are you talking about visually or physically? Visually you have an absolutely amazing body that probably has half the guys here pulling their jaws off the floor. Physically, I can't tell from the pictures what issues you have, but I know you said you were having motor skill issues?

Something like that...

 

[VoidDesirer22]

View attachment 80122i took this when i realized basically there's no "undo" bottom and i fuck up my body and i either have to deal with it for it for the rest of my life or cut my life short because i am the blame here what's new

Just goes to show that from a glance the depths of pain cannot be detected. You are very attractive, but judging from your other comments here I guess you have some neurological issue? In addition to depression?

 

[dyingalone123]

What happened here...you look great physically.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

View attachment 80122i took this when i realized basically there's no "undo" bottom and i fuck up my body and i either have to deal with it for it for the rest of my life or cut my life short because i am the blame here what's new

I feel really bad for your situation. For me, I feel like parts of me growing too old too fast, mostly my hands/dexterity and my brain, but still it took more than a decade., it wasn't my life completely cut short. My body got a bit fucked too, but I've been trying to fix it. Like you, I was competitive once so I can relate to the absolute misery. I hope the same for you with some medical breakthrough. It happened way too early in your life.

The other things that happened to you are really sad too, and your anxiety.

 

[miserableforever]

Physically you're perfect, and that's coming from a female.
I love your hair btw. But I can't see into your head, so…
Maybe tell us some more about what you mean.

 

[Elri]

You can't always see the problem. I've been an athlete since 14. Healthiest person you could imagine. Enjoyed what I did. I was lucky enough to find my passion in life and do what I want study the major that I like with the support of my family. Never had to worry about having a boring employee life or a forced 9 to 5 job. I was talented in what I was doing , super motivated. My trainer would always point out how energetic and powerful I am with my small frame. Despite being healthy and gifted I never had a good mental health. I had multiple traumas in my life that no matter what i did it was always haunting me like a shadow. I was never genuinely happy never felt enough. I was super confident, knew my potentials, always had top grades but never satisfied with myself I would still view myself as failure . I never had a relationship even tho i would get a lot of attention, i can't point out a reason for it but i am terrified and even disgusted of sex, i like boys but i hate what a romantic relationship involves. i knew something is wrong with me but I never forced myself cause I thought it's not necessary. looking back now it's necessary and life is not meant to live alone. Never had real friends because they would end up breaking my heart and trust mostly out of jealousy. too many things happened that made me isolated. I deleted my Instagram which was 28k and made a private one because i hated the attention later on deleted the private one too. I am confident but again i have a self hatred underline issue. i started to punish myself with more and more exercising i would go to the gym and comeback knocked the fuck out from such intense training. I developed eating disorder more like orthorexia , it got to the point where i ended up not tasting my mom's great meals for months. at this point i was a self absorbed asshole because my temper was bad.this picture was taken a long time after quitting working out so I almost lost all of my gains or "leanness". The more i punished myself the more I got praised the more girls would look at me with anger and the more guys stare. But the more miserable I would get. i got so lean to the point that I could see my veins I was stage ready lean and i was only 18,19 not even a competitor. I was testing my body my sanity for what? Everyone thought I was super healthy cuz muscles and almost no fat = Greek god? .societies standards are ridiculously funny and damaging. Being a perfectionist makes you an easy target to fall for this slavery . I'm sure insomnia due to low body fat, being always hungry, constant sore muscles are far from healthy but no one reach out to help you cause miss bikini always gets the award not a shoulder to cry. Anyways going through all of this since a very young age definitely damages your body. I was too blind to care or see. i don't want to talk about the condition cause it gives me panic attack , I can just say that I'm so damaged that I can never do any sports or I will literally ruin myself. when I came to this reality it was too late and damage is irreversible. I quit my college that I worked for so hard cause I can never become a trainer. I gave myself time to get better mentally but I now am sure I can't live with depression and severe panic attacks, I can't imagine myself doing anything else than sports either, I can barely leave my bedroom. I made peace with ending it here and i am sorry for what I did to myself and my family but the only way out is by exiting this body that feels nothing less than a prison for me. ( sorry if it's I have mistakes English is not my language)

 

[Suicidebydeath]

The more i punished myself the more I got praised the more girls would look at me with anger and the more guys stare

A lot of people suck. I hope you get more support.

 

[Sanva]

You can't always see the problem. I've been an athlete since 14. Healthiest person you could imagine. Enjoyed what I did. I was lucky enough to find my passion in life and do what I want study the major that I like with the support of my family. Never had to worry about having a boring employee life or a forced 9 to 5 job. I was talented in what I was doing , super motivated. My trainer would always point out how energetic and powerful I am with my small frame. Despite being healthy and gifted I never had a good mental health. I had multiple traumas in my life that no matter what i did it was always haunting me like a shadow. I was never genuinely happy never felt enough. I was super confident, knew my potentials, always had top grades but never satisfied with myself I would still view myself as failure . I never had a relationship even tho i would get a lot of attention, i can't point out a reason for it but i am terrified and even disgusted of sex, i like boys but i hate what a romantic relationship involves. i knew something is wrong with me but I never forced myself cause I thought it's not necessary. looking back now it's necessary and life is not meant to live alone. Never had real friends because they would end up breaking my heart and trust mostly out of jealousy. too many things happened that made me isolated. I deleted my Instagram which was 28k and made a private one because i hated the attention later on deleted the private one too. I am confident but again i have a self hatred underline issue. i started to punish myself with more and more exercising i would go to the gym and comeback knocked the fuck out from such intense training. I developed eating disorder more like orthorexia , it got to the point where i ended up not tasting my mom's great meals for months. at this point i was a self absorbed asshole because my temper was bad.this picture was taken a long time after quitting working out so I almost lost all of my gains or "leanness". The more i punished myself the more I got praised the more girls would look at me with anger and the more guys stare. But the more miserable I would get. i got so lean to the point that I could see my veins I was stage ready lean and i was only 18,19 not even a competitor. I was testing my body my sanity for what? Everyone thought I was super healthy cuz muscles and almost no fat = Greek god? .societies standards are ridiculously funny and damaging. Being a perfectionist makes you an easy target to fall for this slavery . I'm sure insomnia due to low body fat, being always hungry, constant sore muscles are far from healthy but no one reach out to help you cause miss bikini always gets the award not a shoulder to cry. Anyways going through all of this since a very young age definitely damages your body. I was too blind to care or see. i don't want to talk about the condition cause it gives me panic attack , I can just say that I'm so damaged that I can never do any sports or I will literally ruin myself. when I came to this reality it was too late and damage is irreversible. I quit my college that I worked for so hard cause I can never become a trainer. I gave myself time to get better mentally but I now am sure I can't live with depression and severe panic attacks, I can't imagine myself doing anything else than sports either, I can barely leave my bedroom. I made peace with ending it here and i am sorry for what I did to myself and my family but the only way out is by exiting this body that feels nothing less than a prison for me. ( sorry if it's I have mistakes English is not my language)

i relate to so much of what you said. i developed an eating disorder when I was 13 years old because i never felt like i was enough. so many people were jealous and told me i looked good and how great it was that i had the discipline to work out so much. really i was dying inside and i couldn't enjoy my time with my familly or friends i had back then because i was constantly thinking about food.

it makes me so angry that people think being attractive always means that your life is perfect. I'm sorry you had to give up what you're passionate about, that must be very painful. I wish you the best.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Sorry for being a creep; do you have anymore pictures of yourself?

Idk if this is necessary, and saying sorry just shows you even have self awareness about that. She does look nice though lol.

 

[Belljar]

Women can't even post on a suicide forum without being harassed.

 

[Hangman]

I'm sorry, was distasteful.

 

[lonewolf22]

Sorry for being a creep; do you have anymore pictures of yourself?

Lol I really dont get it. Its an athletic female body, and it looks like every other female body we've seen a million times in real life, on tv, magazines, social media. So why the curiosity over this particular one? And yes, super creepy btw.

 

[Elri]

Lol I really dont get it. Its a normal female body, and it looks like every other female body we've seen a million times in real life, on tv, magazines, social media. So why the curiosity over this particular one? And yes, super creepy btw.

i feel like some people in this site are not actually suicidal or mentally ill, they're alone creepy people looking for people to take advantage of
I might leave SS and do my attempt alone

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

i feel like some people in this site are not actually suicidal or mentally ill, they're alone creepy people looking for people to take advantage of
I might leave SS and do my attempt alone

I don't think you should do that. There is plenty of good people here, just ignore the ones who deserve it.

Anyway I also ruined my health by my own hands and thats the sole reason I'll be ctbing. If you wanna chat, I'm here.

 

[LADY007]

You can't always see the problem. I've been an athlete since 14. Healthiest person you could imagine. Enjoyed what I did. I was lucky enough to find my passion in life and do what I want study the major that I like with the support of my family. Never had to worry about having a boring employee life or a forced 9 to 5 job. I was talented in what I was doing , super motivated. My trainer would always point out how energetic and powerful I am with my small frame. Despite being healthy and gifted I never had a good mental health. I had multiple traumas in my life that no matter what i did it was always haunting me like a shadow. I was never genuinely happy never felt enough. I was super confident, knew my potentials, always had top grades but never satisfied with myself I would still view myself as failure . I never had a relationship even tho i would get a lot of attention, i can't point out a reason for it but i am terrified and even disgusted of sex, i like boys but i hate what a romantic relationship involves. i knew something is wrong with me but I never forced myself cause I thought it's not necessary. looking back now it's necessary and life is not meant to live alone. Never had real friends because they would end up breaking my heart and trust mostly out of jealousy. too many things happened that made me isolated. I deleted my Instagram which was 28k and made a private one because i hated the attention later on deleted the private one too. I am confident but again i have a self hatred underline issue. i started to punish myself with more and more exercising i would go to the gym and comeback knocked the fuck out from such intense training. I developed eating disorder more like orthorexia , it got to the point where i ended up not tasting my mom's great meals for months. at this point i was a self absorbed asshole because my temper was bad.this picture was taken a long time after quitting working out so I almost lost all of my gains or "leanness". The more i punished myself the more I got praised the more girls would look at me with anger and the more guys stare. But the more miserable I would get. i got so lean to the point that I could see my veins I was stage ready lean and i was only 18,19 not even a competitor. I was testing my body my sanity for what? Everyone thought I was super healthy cuz muscles and almost no fat = Greek god? .societies standards are ridiculously funny and damaging. Being a perfectionist makes you an easy target to fall for this slavery . I'm sure insomnia due to low body fat, being always hungry, constant sore muscles are far from healthy but no one reach out to help you cause miss bikini always gets the award not a shoulder to cry. Anyways going through all of this since a very young age definitely damages your body. I was too blind to care or see. i don't want to talk about the condition cause it gives me panic attack , I can just say that I'm so damaged that I can never do any sports or I will literally ruin myself. when I came to this reality it was too late and damage is irreversible. I quit my college that I worked for so hard cause I can never become a trainer. I gave myself time to get better mentally but I now am sure I can't live with depression and severe panic attacks, I can't imagine myself doing anything else than sports either, I can barely leave my bedroom. I made peace with ending it here and i am sorry for what I did to myself and my family but the only way out is by exiting this body that feels nothing less than a prison for me. ( sorry if it's I have mistakes English is not my language)

I so understand you. Getting disabled, mental problems, 75 years and up.. When these things happen to physically gifted people.. It is very sad for them. No longer feeling exilerated is so boring.

 

[fruit-loops]

i feel like some people in this site are not actually suicidal or mentally ill, they're alone creepy people looking for people to take advantage of
I might leave SS and do my attempt alone

Creepy people are everywhere in this world, don't expect to encounter none of them if you are on a place on the edge of life.

Consider that you can be considered a "creepy" person just because you are thinking about ending things.

 

[Geturdone]

i feel like some people in this site are not actually suicidal or mentally ill, they're alone creepy people looking for people to take advantage of
I might leave SS and do my attempt alone

Elri, I agree and wish to acknowledge your perception. Yet, I also see folks offering you the support you might desire if you're inclined. They are offering you a hand but you have to reach out and take it. Personally, I hope you do NOT leave here. Best wishes and good luck. Pax

 

[Elri]

Creepy people are everywhere in this world, don't expect to encounter none of them if you are on a place on the edge of life.

Consider that you can be considered a "creepy" person just because you are thinking about ending things.

Suicide in permanently injured athletes is pretty common and expected don't know how that can creeps someone out but i know for sure that asking for more "pictures" in a suicide fourm creeps a lot of people out.

 

[fruit-loops]

Suicide in permanently njured athletes is pretty common and expected don't know how that can creeps someone out but i know for sure that asking for more "pictures" in a suicide fourm creeps a lot of people out.

I'm sorry for that :/

 

[Hangman]

I apologise again. I didn't think through what I posted. You should stay on the forum. I'm just one creep, majority are not like that.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hello Elri.

For what I read you are another victim of society's ridiculous standards for body.
I once saw a video of a female athlete, a runner on YouTube. She was severely depressed and broken.

Mind and Body shouldn't be separated. You go to the gym, you train hard and nobody give a damn about you mind. Your trainers. You even get obsessed about it.

I seem that happened. And now I know it happened to you, a very caring and gentle person. Your posts are heartwarming.

I'm sorry you are suffering like this.
As I recall you already attempted and are being watched, as if you need more things to worry about. I'm sorry, I'm powerless here.

I do not know if recovery could still be an option for you. I wish. Maybe do something like teaching, gymnastics. In the end it's your choice, but think about it, please.

I wish you the best, Elri. You are a little warrior, aren't you? Sometimes it's just like this.

I would write a little better and try to help you more if I wasn't in such a bad state, but I can't.

I'm rooting for you.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Same, I wanted to expand a bit more earlier, but I was having hell for a morning and couldn't think straight. Society's ridiculous standards are what comes to mind for me too.

 

[Elri]

Hello Elri.

For what I read you are another victim of society's ridiculous standards for body.
I once saw a video of a female athlete, a runner on YouTube. She was severely depressed and broken.

Mind and Body shouldn't be separated. You go to the gym, you train hard and nobody give a damn about you mind. Your trainers. You even get obsessed about it.

I seem that happened. And now I know it happened to you, a very caring and gentle person. Your posts are heartwarming.

I'm sorry you are suffering like this.
As I recall you already attempted and are being watched, as if you need more things to worry about. I'm sorry, I'm powerless here.

I do not know if recovery could still be an option for you. I wish. Maybe do something like teaching, gymnastics. In the end it's your choice, but think about it, please.

I wish you the best, Elri. You are a little warrior, aren't you? Sometimes it's just like this.

I would write a little better and try to help you more if I wasn't in such a bad state, but I can't.

I'm rooting for you.

Thank you for your kind words it really means a lot to me. I'm so sorry that you're going through a bad state yourself i send you love .
Unfortunately i tried recovery but it felt like i was just lying to myself , like putting a happy mask while cringing underneath lol. It's really daily torture, i know it can sound not so bad the situation i am in but I'm in so much mental pain I can't accept an ordinary life. in the other hand therapists say remove the trigger to stop panic attack and anxiety but in my situation is not possible cause I'm living with my trigger which is my sister. I love her but she's also an athlete, pretty fit and healthy, everyday she asks me if she can take my gym clothing etc i tell her just take everything and go but she keeps doing it again . like girl i am having a mental breakdown here and you're asking about something that triggers me that much? I can't live alone either. It's fucking torture in those moments i could shoot myself if i had the gun. I'm laughing typing this cause it sounds dumb to be like this lol but my life's really a joke . Hopefully a short one

Same, I wanted to expand a bit more earlier, but I was having hell for a morning and couldn't think straight. Society's ridiculous standards are what comes to mind for me too.

I notice your reactions to me you sound like a very kind soul i hope things workout for you peacefully I'm so sorry

 

[Insomniac]

i am terrified and even disgusted of sex, i like boys but i hate what a romantic relationship involves.

beyond relatable.

Suicide in permanently njured athletes is pretty common and expected don't know how that can creeps someone out but i know for sure that asking for more "pictures" in a suicide fourm creeps a lot of people out.

this. this is exactly how some users on here make me feel.

 

[liberty_222]

Sweetie, I know I can't say much but I see you and I hear you. I'm sure whatever decision you make for yourself will be in your best interests. I'm here for you for at least a week. And if you decide you wanna go, we can go the same day.

 

[Elri]

Sweetie, I know I can't say much but I see you and I hear you. I'm sure whatever decision you make for yourself will be in your best interests. I'm here for you for at least a week. And if you decide you wanna go, we can go the same day.

Thank you love i will let you know, currently I'm being watched a lot i can't even have my door closed but i will try my best to gain their trust and perhaps CBT with you , it will feel less alone for us both

 

[liberty_222]

Yess ily please take care

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

You can't always see the problem. I've been an athlete since 14. Healthiest person you could imagine. Enjoyed what I did. I was lucky enough to find my passion in life and do what I want study the major that I like with the support of my family. Never had to worry about having a boring employee life or a forced 9 to 5 job. I was talented in what I was doing , super motivated. My trainer would always point out how energetic and powerful I am with my small frame. Despite being healthy and gifted I never had a good mental health. I had multiple traumas in my life that no matter what i did it was always haunting me like a shadow. I was never genuinely happy never felt enough. I was super confident, knew my potentials, always had top grades but never satisfied with myself I would still view myself as failure . I never had a relationship even tho i would get a lot of attention, i can't point out a reason for it but i am terrified and even disgusted of sex, i like boys but i hate what a romantic relationship involves. i knew something is wrong with me but I never forced myself cause I thought it's not necessary. looking back now it's necessary and life is not meant to live alone. Never had real friends because they would end up breaking my heart and trust mostly out of jealousy. too many things happened that made me isolated. I deleted my Instagram which was 28k and made a private one because i hated the attention later on deleted the private one too. I am confident but again i have a self hatred underline issue. i started to punish myself with more and more exercising i would go to the gym and comeback knocked the fuck out from such intense training. I developed eating disorder more like orthorexia , it got to the point where i ended up not tasting my mom's great meals for months. at this point i was a self absorbed asshole because my temper was bad.this picture was taken a long time after quitting working out so I almost lost all of my gains or "leanness". The more i punished myself the more I got praised the more girls would look at me with anger and the more guys stare. But the more miserable I would get. i got so lean to the point that I could see my veins I was stage ready lean and i was only 18,19 not even a competitor. I was testing my body my sanity for what? Everyone thought I was super healthy cuz muscles and almost no fat = Greek god? .societies standards are ridiculously funny and damaging. Being a perfectionist makes you an easy target to fall for this slavery . I'm sure insomnia due to low body fat, being always hungry, constant sore muscles are far from healthy but no one reach out to help you cause miss bikini always gets the award not a shoulder to cry. Anyways going through all of this since a very young age definitely damages your body. I was too blind to care or see. i don't want to talk about the condition cause it gives me panic attack , I can just say that I'm so damaged that I can never do any sports or I will literally ruin myself. when I came to this reality it was too late and damage is irreversible. I quit my college that I worked for so hard cause I can never become a trainer. I gave myself time to get better mentally but I now am sure I can't live with depression and severe panic attacks, I can't imagine myself doing anything else than sports either, I can barely leave my bedroom. I made peace with ending it here and i am sorry for what I did to myself and my family but the only way out is by exiting this body that feels nothing less than a prison for me. ( sorry if it's I have mistakes English is not my language)

Hey <3 I'm sorry if I misread something, my english isn't good.

I have similar problems, so many things what you said are something what I know how they feel... Not all, but some of them are like mine. Btw I have never read someone say they hate attention like that, I hate it too. And it really gives me a mixed feelings, I'm tired of it and it doesn't feel good. That's why I'm hiding time to time from everyone. I never had as many followers or anything, but it's more like I hate how they don't see I'm more like that. And I never wasn't and never be happy with my looks, I feel like I need to be more and I can't. And every guy just want sex and see only my big boobs. I like sex etc, so that's not that problem, their attitude is. But I have trauma what explains that pretty well... Why I feel and think like that. And being "girl gamer" is hell, so I need to hide in gaming world too even when I want to play because some guys. And gaming is my hobby and way to relax, so when I can't do even that I don't have anything left.

I also have eating disorder... Atm it's just that I don't eat enough, before that it was that I eated too healthy, I trained hard and it was pretty much like orthorexia. 5 times a week hundreds squat in a day, if I did cycling it must be at least 1 hour and fast until I just shake... Now, I can't do sports anymore. I always wanted to be best for everything I did and it was easy for me, hard work but I could do it still. Problem is, that lesser than that isn't enough and now I can't do anything. I can't study or anything.

If you feel like you want pm me during hard times, feel free to do it.