Story The Meaninglessness of Existence

[kitia973]

This is a brief recollection of my childhood and my life.

I was born into a very wealthy family and had high-achieving parents who graduated from top schools. But that was it. Material wealth was all that my parents ever attempted to provide for me during my childhood. They had no expectations for me, and did not care whether I was dead or alive. There was no love, no emotional support, and no love between the two of my parents either. I managed to succeed academically on my own, and I had a very prominient reputation of the perfect student: intelligent, unassuming, and having a very optimistic and hopeful mindset. I also became the class rep during my time in China.

People like to automatically assume that excellent students also have excellent morality and character. I did not. I never truly had the will to live throughout my entire life. There was no reason for my existence, as even the closest people like my parents did not care about whether I was still alive. I developed a thought process revolving around nihilism, and I realized and the world would function exactly the same without me. So why was I still living, when there is nothing enjoyable in life? Shouldn't the reasonable answer to unnecessary pain be a voluntary end?

My first suicide attempt was when I was 8. My parents did not attempt to find me, nor did they try to take me to the hospital. I took around 100 pills of aspirin and was very ill for a month. During that time there was no care provided for me, nobody to provide me with food or water when I was unable to even move. I had to do every chore myself. This lack of medical attention contributed to the state my deteriorating physical health. I was often ill during my teenage years, sometimes to the point of being unable to get out of bed for a month due to the physical pain. My parents made no attempt to provide me with any medication or take me to the doctor. I suffered in silence, alone in my room.

I never once considered reaching out for help, all because of the "reputation" that others have set for me. I had too many responsibilities in school to show any kind of weakness. The truth is that I also enjoy being looked up upon by my peers, even though my personality is just a mask that I want to show them. I was considered the role model in my old class, and I couldn't imagine the disappointment of my classmates and teachers if I told them that I was suffering and suicidal. That would destroy everything I stood for. Furthermore, my old class in China was a very tight-knit and collective group. If I thought of one thing, my classmates were likely to follow. If I revealed my suicidal intentions, I would likely ruin the entire class morality (班风) and this would disrupt their study and result in intervention from higher authorities on me. I did not want that.

But what is the point of living like this? What is the point of being "successful" if mere existence feels like torture? What is a grade, besides from a letter on a piece of paper that's going to be forgotten someday? I was never able connect with anyone in real life, because I can't bear the thought of showing them my true thoughts. I never had friends I could reveal my emotions to. I never had a family I could talk to. The only people who will ever understand me are some strangers on an online forum. There is no happiness for me in real life.

I will ultimately die, and I am not scared of death. But I would rather leave a favorable impression than a weak and failing one on my classmates, who I do sincerely care about. We spent years together, and that group of 20 people felt more like family than my real family ever did. I would rather die than let them down. I would rather die in honor than live in disgrace. 宁可玉碎，不愿瓦全. I know that I would never get past my mindset of being "weak" from suicide, my mind is already cold and twisted from my childhood neglect. But my goal is just trying to offer as much emotional support as possible to those who do need, and those who do have hope and will recover.

(Sorry for the disorientated English. I have not slept in three days.)
I'm not a pro-life person, and I'm not attempting to stand on a moral high ground to "help" those in deep despair and determined to die. But I do try my best to offer my consolations to those who do have hope in life, and are looking for emotional support.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry~ :( I hope you're able to find someone who is able to truly care for you unlike your parents and those around you~ :( I'm glad you're able to find some level in leading your classmates tho~ :) It must be nice to have them looking up at you and appreciating you for your intelligence~ :) even if not caring about how you feel at all~ :( it'd be nice if people began to ever actually care about others, but well... That's a thing only in words in the West, so I much less doubt it would be anytime soon in a place like China with completely different value structures~ :( I wish things could improve for you~ :(
btw, sleeping is nice~ :) In my experience, you feel better after you wake up generally! hehe~

 

[LukaParrot]

Chinese society are very brute with education and parenting.

It's just too much pressure for a kid, for a teenage the way society and competition lead to the way of life there.

Work in China is absurd, 6x1 jobs for a high degree person with long hours is slavery. And from what i heard, economy is not going good... too much new graduates and few jobs available.

If I was in your place, since your family is very wealthy, i would try to convice then to pay some exchange study in another country, like USA or Canada. See how life, how people live there, since your parents not that they dont care, but they grown with that mentality..... i would just make my life outside of China.

I hope you the best, or at least find a little joy in your life.

 

[kitia973]

Chinese society are very brute with education and parenting.

It's just too much pressure for a kid, for a teenage the way society and competition lead to the way of life there.

Work in China is absurd, 6x1 jobs for a high degree person with long hours is slavery. And from what i heard, economy is not going good... too much new graduates and few jobs available.

If I was in your place, since your family is very wealthy, i would try to convice then to pay some exchange study in another country, like USA or Canada. See how life, how people live there, since your parents not that they dont care, but they grown with that mentality..... i would just make my life outside of China.

I hope you the best, or at least find a little joy in your life.

I am actually in the US, and I only spent two years studying in China. I spent most of my childhood in the US.
In my post you will see that my parents are actually the exact opposite of traditional East Asian parents. They make no effort for my studies, and I was forced to do everything on my own. I don't really feel pressure from academics, it's more of maintaining a social status that is tiring.

I do actually like China very much. I stayed with my grandparents in the past, who were quite nice in comparision. I found a couple of people who had similar thoughts as me, which I was happy about. I had to come back to the US as my grandparents were no longer to take care of me. I will likely move back to China in the future after I am finished with all my studies, as most exchange students do.

Finding jobs is dependent on what path you choose to take. Things like KTV and delivery are very easy jobs to get, while regular university graduates may actually have a harder time with finding jobs.

 

[EternalShore]

I am actually in the US, and I only spent two years studying in China. I spent most of my childhood in the US.
In my post you will see that my parents are actually the exact opposite of traditional East Asian parents. They make no effort for my studies, and I was forced to do everything on my own. I don't really feel pressure from academics, it's more of maintaining a social status that is tiring.

I do actually like China very much. I stayed with my grandparents in the past, who were quite nice in comparision. I found a couple of people who had similar thoughts as me, which I was happy about. I had to come back to the US as my grandparents were no longer to take care of me. I will likely move back to China in the future after I am finished with all my studies, as most exchange students do.

Finding jobs is dependent on what path you choose to take. Things like KTV and delivery are very easy jobs to get, while regular university graduates may actually have a harder time with finding jobs.

I'm glad you liked living in China for the little while you were there~ :) What makes you appreciate it so much tho~? :) Usually, we're told about all the bad things about China like their authoritarian government and police state, their persecution of minorities, their housing market, the constant studying and stress, their dating scene, etc.~ what makes you appreciate it so much? :) The fact that your grandparents were nice and there were people like you? :)

 

[kitia973]

I'm glad you liked living in China for the little while you were there~ :) What makes you appreciate it so much tho~? :) Usually, we're told about all the bad things about China like their authoritarian government and police state, their persecution of minorities, their housing market, the constant studying and stress, their dating scene, etc.~ what makes you appreciate it so much? :) The fact that your grandparents were nice and there were people like you? :)

I am just very proud of my culture. I was considered the model citizen and student there. I joined the Communist Youth League when I was a teen.

Western media exaggerates China a lot, and if someone just lived there for a year they would see that it is not what the West says about it. There is no "police state", and police in China can't shoot you like the ones here in the US. The persecution of minorities is false; ethnic minorities are celebrated and they actually have advantages in the gaokao (college exams).

As for housing markets, I can't really speak for the poorer people because I don't have that background, but prices are expected to stabilize around 2025.

I am from Shanghai and studying is not very stressful there, but it is quite stressful in other provinces. This is due to the large population of China and the competition of resources. There have been efforts to reduce the stress, such as the "Shuang-jian" policy which aims to reduce work levels.

I am currently dating someone in China and he's a great person. Yes, I do appreciate the people in China. They are friendly and honest, with a sense of collectivism and brotherhood that is not as prominient in the West.

 

[sdnlidnc]

I am just very proud of my culture. I was considered the model citizen and student there. I joined the Communist Youth League when I was a teen.

Western media exaggerates China a lot, and if someone just lived there for a year they would see that it is not what the West says about it. There is no "police state", and police in China can't shoot you like the ones here in the US. The persecution of minorities is false; ethnic minorities are celebrated and they actually have advantages in the gaokao (college exams).

As for housing markets, I can't really speak for the poorer people because I don't have that background, but prices are expected to stabilize around 2025.

I am from Shanghai and studying is not very stressful there, but it is quite stressful in other provinces. This is due to the large population of China and the competition of resources. There have been efforts to reduce the stress, such as the "Shuang-jian" policy which aims to reduce work levels.

I am currently dating someone in China and he's a great person. Yes, I do appreciate the people in China. They are friendly and honest, with a sense of collectivism and brotherhood that is not as prominient in the West.

You don't understand what people below your class are going through in such deep suffering. My family is definitely not as well off as yours, just slightly above the bottom tier—maybe one foot just entering the middle class—but I am almost collapsing.
The "double reduction" policy is a joke. It's been shouted about for a long time, and only recently did they come up with a policy for high school students to have two days off. But I don't think the amount of homework will change much.
You're very lucky. Even if you say your parents don't care much about you, you still have the option to leave China. I'm in China, and even though my parents seem to try to love me, all I feel is suffocation and control. I don't feel much love on a family level.
What they say about a police state may be true to some extent. Because some older people, especially those with lower education, are quite unpleasant. They claim that this is just how society is, and that you don't understand because you haven't entered society. This situation often happens with less educated people and older individuals who become arrogant once they have some public authority.
I really envy that you have an emotional life now. I might be different from others—when I was younger, I made mistakes in my decisions, and now I have almost no friends of the opposite sex.
The housing market is really bad. You have to understand how terrifying it is when houses end up in the hands of people who have no basic understanding of economics. I've been trying to get my family to sell the house, but they just won't do it. In fact, I can even sense distrust in their words, as if they think I'm going to run away with the money.
And I believe it's unreasonable to compare the police in China and the U.S. based on whether they have guns. While China has very strict gun control, if China allowed its police to carry guns like in the U.S., I believe even darker and more evil things would happen, but we just wouldn't be able to see it. In China, if you don't think too much, you can still get by. But once you start asking questions, it becomes extremely terrifying.
If your family is very wealthy, moving to China may not be a problem, but I still have to raise a question mark, because I find China's finances quite strange, especially the real estate sector and the high welfare for civil servants. I often wonder if this model can continue indefinitely. My suggestion is that after completing your studies, you should observe things carefully. I don't think China's future looks very promising. As for the work issue, if those working in KTVs or as delivery drivers were earning euros or dollars, I'd be happy to do it, but if it's in RMB, to be honest, after covering your basic expenses, there's not much left.
I'm feeling a certain level of envy and understanding after seeing your post. When I said I didn't want to go to university, I faced intense conflict with my parents, and it almost destroyed me. If they hadn't reacted so aggressively, I could have motivated myself. Now, I just want to die. I bought charcoal, and it's almost time. They still don't realize what they've done. People around me don't understand, and I've almost completely become an outsider.My body and my instincts as a living being want to say, please help me.
As for the Communist Youth League, I really think it's a joke because it's basically just about selecting the top student from each class. When I was in middle school, the teacher asked me if I wanted to join the League, and I asked, "What's the point of joining the League?" Then they just gave me sarcastic remarks, trying to annoy me, without answering my question. I don't think I'm a very dumb student—I got into a top high school, but what awaited me was torture. In the end, I only got into a second-tier university. Now, I really can't stand the atmosphere in China anymore.
If you really like China, please tell them the truth: the people at the bottom are living in deep suffering. China is more than just Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen.
If we talk about the good side of Chinese society, I really haven't seen much of it. After all, in middle school and high school, I didn't have time to engage with anything outside of school.
In conclusion, the social atmosphere in China is really terrible, and it's driving me crazy. Suddenly, I remembered something that you might find absurd. I recall when I was in my senior year of high school, someone ran to the cafeteria, fell and hit their head, was sent to the hospital, and it turned out to be a mild concussion. Then, they just came back to school and continued as if nothing happened.
I just remembered something else. Back in middle school, the teacher would yell at us every day to vent her frustrations. I felt uncomfortable, so I wanted to report her to the education bureau. But when I went there, they all sided with the teacher. No one cared about the mental state of the students, especially the powerless ordinary people.
Of course, the younger generation might have it a bit better, but I can't take it anymore.

 

[kitia973]

You don't understand what people below your class are going through in such deep suffering. My family is definitely not as well off as yours, just slightly above the bottom tier—maybe one foot just entering the middle class—but I am almost collapsing.
The "double reduction" policy is a joke. It's been shouted about for a long time, and only recently did they come up with a policy for high school students to have two days off. But I don't think the amount of homework will change much.
You're very lucky. Even if you say your parents don't care much about you, you still have the option to leave China. I'm in China, and even though my parents seem to try to love me, all I feel is suffocation and control. I don't feel much love on a family level.
What they say about a police state may be true to some extent. Because some older people, especially those with lower education, are quite unpleasant. They claim that this is just how society is, and that you don't understand because you haven't entered society. This situation often happens with less educated people and older individuals who become arrogant once they have some public authority.
I really envy that you have an emotional life now. I might be different from others—when I was younger, I made mistakes in my decisions, and now I have almost no friends of the opposite sex.
The housing market is really bad. You have to understand how terrifying it is when houses end up in the hands of people who have no basic understanding of economics. I've been trying to get my family to sell the house, but they just won't do it. In fact, I can even sense distrust in their words, as if they think I'm going to run away with the money.
And I believe it's unreasonable to compare the police in China and the U.S. based on whether they have guns. While China has very strict gun control, if China allowed its police to carry guns like in the U.S., I believe even darker and more evil things would happen, but we just wouldn't be able to see it. In China, if you don't think too much, you can still get by. But once you start asking questions, it becomes extremely terrifying.
If your family is very wealthy, moving to China may not be a problem, but I still have to raise a question mark, because I find China's finances quite strange, especially the real estate sector and the high welfare for civil servants. I often wonder if this model can continue indefinitely. My suggestion is that after completing your studies, you should observe things carefully. I don't think China's future looks very promising. As for the work issue, if those working in KTVs or as delivery drivers were earning euros or dollars, I'd be happy to do it, but if it's in RMB, to be honest, after covering your basic expenses, there's not much left.
I'm feeling a certain level of envy and understanding after seeing your post. When I said I didn't want to go to university, I faced intense conflict with my parents, and it almost destroyed me. If they hadn't reacted so aggressively, I could have motivated myself. Now, I just want to die. I bought charcoal, and it's almost time. They still don't realize what they've done. People around me don't understand, and I've almost completely become an outsider.My body and my instincts as a living being want to say, please help me.
As for the Communist Youth League, I really think it's a joke because it's basically just about selecting the top student from each class. When I was in middle school, the teacher asked me if I wanted to join the League, and I asked, "What's the point of joining the League?" Then they just gave me sarcastic remarks, trying to annoy me, without answering my question. I don't think I'm a very dumb student—I got into a top high school, but what awaited me was torture. In the end, I only got into a second-tier university. Now, I really can't stand the atmosphere in China anymore.
If you really like China, please tell them the truth: the people at the bottom are living in deep suffering. China is more than just Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen.
If we talk about the good side of Chinese society, I really haven't seen much of it. After all, in middle school and high school, I didn't have time to engage with anything outside of school.
In conclusion, the social atmosphere in China is really terrible, and it's driving me crazy. Suddenly, I remembered something that you might find absurd. I recall when I was in my senior year of high school, someone ran to the cafeteria, fell and hit their head, was sent to the hospital, and it turned out to be a mild concussion. Then, they just came back to school and continued as if nothing happened.
I just remembered something else. Back in middle school, the teacher would yell at us every day to vent her frustrations. I felt uncomfortable, so I wanted to report her to the education bureau. But when I went there, they all sided with the teacher. No one cared about the mental state of the students, especially the powerless ordinary people.
Of course, the younger generation might have it a bit better, but I can't take it anymore.

Hello, I hear you and there definitely are many people suffering in the world, no matter what country they are in. I'm not saying that China is perfect, but my personal experiences made me form my opinions, and I understand that you might have different experiences than me and that is valid too.

Personally I preferred my life in China because of the support networks I had there, it's nothing to do with politics, just that I had more family and valuable friends in China, and I could feel a sense of belonging to my community. It's true that some aspects to America are superior to China but I am also very alone here, it is much more difficult to make connections to people, and I feel like a lot of foreign students here in America feel the same way.

 

[sdnlidnc]

Hello, I hear you and there definitely are many people suffering in the world, no matter what country they are in. I'm not saying that China is perfect, but my personal experiences made me form my opinions, and I understand that you might have different experiences than me and that is valid too.

Personally I preferred my life in China because of the support networks I had there, it's nothing to do with politics, just that I had more family and valuable friends in China, and I could feel a sense of belonging to my community. It's true that some aspects to America are superior to China but I am also very alone here, it is much more difficult to make connections to people, and I feel like a lot of foreign students here in America feel the same way.

I'm quite curious about something you mentioned earlier, where you claimed to come from a wealthy family and also said that you were an excellent student during your time in China. I noticed that you mentioned in your posts that you're still sick and might even have engaged in self-harm. I'm curious about the reasons behind this. From my perspective, while I'm reluctant to say it, it seems like many of the problems and contradictions in China stem from money. I don't have as much of a financial need as others, so your situation piques my interest.


Then, you mentioned loneliness and that you were once in a relationship with a Chinese person. I'm assuming this person might have been from the same school? I don't fully understand your loneliness—does it refer solely to school, the cultural differences with classmates, and the difficulty in making friends? You also said that you used to study in Shanghai, and I'm assuming your family still lives there, right? I live quite close to Shanghai. What I'm asking is, is there a chance for a face-to-face meeting? I don't mean it with any ill intent, but I just find it difficult to understand the people around me, and it's hard for them to understand me as well.


The main reason I'm asking is that we met on this forum, and I'm curious, especially about other Chinese people here who seem to have similar thoughts. What have they been through? I believe my experiences are not as bad as most people on this forum, maybe I'm just too fragile. Even though I'm seeing a therapist and the sessions have been okay, I still feel like the therapist doesn't fully understand my views on death. In the end, I'm trying to communicate with people on this forum because the atmosphere here is so much better than the suicide observation board on Reddit. And I'm also curious about American universities, because someone on another thread told me that American universities are problematic, that students are indoctrinated with a sense of mission. This is different from the information I've come across, so I'd like to ask about that as well.

 

[hsjhd]

我很好奇你之前提到的一件事，你自称家境富裕，还说你在中国期间是个优秀学生。我注意到你在帖子中提到你仍然有病，甚至可能有自残行为。我很好奇这背后的原因。从我的角度来看。 虽然我不愿意说，但中国的许多问题和矛盾似乎都源于金钱。我不像其他人那么需要金钱，所以你的情况引起了我的兴趣。


然后，你提到了孤独，你曾经和一个中国人交往过。我想这个人可能是同一所学校的？我不完全理解你的孤独--它是否仅指学校、与同学之间的文化差异以及难以交到朋友？你还说你以前在上海学习。 我假设你的家人还住在那里，对吗？我离上海很近。我想问的是，有机会面对面吗？我没有恶意，但我只是觉得很难理解周围的人，他们也很难理解我。


我想问的主要原因是我们在这个论坛上相遇，我很好奇，特别是这里的其他中国人似乎也有类似的想法。他们经历了什么？我相信我的经历并不像这个论坛上的大多数人那样糟糕，也许只是我太脆弱了。即使我正在看心理医生，治疗过程也很顺利，但我仍然觉得心理医生并不完全理解我对死亡的看法。最后， 我试着在这个论坛上与人交流，因为这里的氛围比Reddit上的自杀观察板要好得多。我对美国的大学也很好奇，因为有人在另一个帖子上告诉我，美国的大学是有问题的，学生被灌输了使命感。这与我接触到的信息不同，所以我也想问一下。

Two days off? double reduction Haha, that's because we're almost dead. Look at what we're doing now. Almost every year, people jump off buildings, commit suicide, and self harm. I seriously think it's because they lack courage, influenced by Confucian culture, oppressed by power and authorityIn the 1980s and 1990s, students who were scolded by teachers knew how to fight back, but now they only complain behind their backs, curse or cry secretly in bed. Once out of society, they will be exploited and deceived againAnd some people can't make it through their student days. They are pressured by their parents to look at others, looked down upon by their teachers, isolated by their classmates, bullied. It's funny that there are situations where parents don't care about teaching, neglect education, get addicted to games, and are sent to a school to quit internet addiction. They laugh to death and say they want their children to become successful, but end up being sent to become livestock. That place is even more stratified, and some have even been electrocuted to death. They search for Yang Yongxin themselves, and these things are still relatively strongThose who, for some unknown reason, feel depressed, anxious, or engage in self harm, suicide, and jumping off buildings are not as mentally and sexually healthy as their parents used to beIt's all about education (mainly tutoring), but with so much pressure and parents busy with work, isn't this also a social issue? Unable to provide a good sense of happiness, now struggling to the death, with intense hostility, and intense competition. Some people have been arranged from birth and have been fighting until they grow up without knowing the purpose or meaning of it. Now it's like everyone is trying to impose their own will on others, feeling superior, controlling, secretly happy, mocking, and jokingIt's better to go home and farm without any trouble, to avoid these bad elementsHaha, but it's okay. Our mom will take action I'm just a little person, I can just fart like that. If it smells so bad, I'm really sorryAbroad? It will only make things worse, to the point where they don't even have basic social security. It's better to hide on a small island with fewer people and become a wild man

休息两天？双减哈哈，那是因为我们都快死了。看看我们现在的情况，几乎每年都有人跳楼、自杀和自残。我真的认为这是因为他们缺乏勇气。 上世纪八九十年代，受儒家文化影响，受权势压迫，被老师骂了还知道还手，现在只会在床上埋怨、骂人或者偷偷哭。一旦脱离社会， 他们会再次被剥削和欺骗，有些人无法度过学生时代。他们被父母压着看别人，被老师看不起，被同学孤立，被欺负。有趣的是，还有父母不关心教育的情况。 疏于教育，沉迷游戏，被送到学校戒网瘾，笑死了说要孩子成才，最后却被送去当家畜，那个地方更是层级森严。 有的甚至触电致死，他们自己去找杨永信，这些东西还是比较强的，那些不知道什么原因感到抑郁、焦虑，或者自残、自杀的人。 跳楼也不像父母以前那样心理和性健康了，一切都是为了教育(主要是家教)，但现在压力这么大，父母工作又忙，这不也是社会问题吗？不能给人很好的幸福感。 现在是你死我活的挣扎，有强烈的敌意，有激烈的竞争，有的人从一出生就被安排好了，一直战斗到长大都不知道目的和意义，现在就好像每个人都想把自己的意志强加给别人，觉得自己高人一等，控制欲强，窃喜嘲讽戏谑，还不如回家种地省事，免得这些不好的因素，不过没关系，妈妈会行动起来的我只是一个小人物，放个屁也就算了，要是这么难闻，我在国外还真不好意思？那样只会更糟，连基本的社会保障都没有，还不如躲在人少的小岛上当野人呢

Translated, haha