Story The love of my life left me.

[RoachApproach]

A little over 3 years ago, I met the love of my life. She gave me reason to get better, and I tried. But I wasn't willing to try Meds or Therapy, because I've already been through that too many times and it's only made it worse. In the latter half of last year I developed what I can only describe as dissociation. I couldn't feel things and nothing felt like it was actually happening. This greatly affected our relationship. We had plans on getting married, and having kids one day. Of course I wouldn't have kids until I was stable. I would never want to put anyone let alone my own kids through that. But she left me this January. I saw it coming, and I didn't think I'd feel anything because I wasn't able to feel anything for so long prior. I wasn't positive I loved her still. But as soon as it actually happened, the damn was broken. Every bit of feeling came back, and then some. I've cried more over this than the rest of my life combined (excluding infant years). I tried to make things right with her, and I tried to get back together. I let her know I was feeling again. And I was starto do things again. But she said no. But I couldn't give up, I kept trying and pushing. And I believe I've hurt her greatly by doing so. But I couldn't stop myself. I'm having a cycle of loving her then hating her for leaving me when I needed her most. On and off, for months. I have nightmares about her every night. I've tried to prove to her that I was putting in the effort. I started taking meds again. But nothing. After 3 years of relationship, she went on to have sex with one of her friends within a month of breaking up. I'm just so confused and broken by this experience. How can someone who says they'll be yours forever and love you forever do this. She left when I needed her most, and she started having sex with her friends almost immediately. I'm not proud of my response to the situation however. When I learned she got Chlamydia, I called her a whore among many hateful things. I had never called her anything like that before. She asked me to call her a slut while having sex before but I couldn't fathom insulting someone I love. I'm scared of who/what I've become. I'm scared I've done irreparable harm to her. And now that I'm able to feel again, I have no reason to get better. My inspiration is gone. and I hate myself for what I've allowed to happen and my response to it. I'm not sure if I'll CTB, but I can't say that I don't want to. I just don't know how to move on from this situation.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

"How could someone do this"

Women lie
Men lie

Generally if it's the woman wanting you to call them a slut that's the one you want the affair with and not the wife

Based on how you described the woman it seems she will be fine being a slut, which is what she is from her own mouth

 

[Klo]

Well a good first step is to focus on your own actions in the relationship and not what she may be doing after the breakup. You don't have any control over her actions and lashing out and calling her names is not doing anything to resolve the situation. You don't own her and she doesn't owe you any chaste or abstinent behavior once you've broken up. The only thing you can control at this point is the decisions and behavior that you make from this point on. It sounds like you've already identified some things about your role in what happened in the relationship so the best thing to do would be to be really honest with yourself and make decisions about how you can be better stronger and more healthy in the future if that is what you want to do. You should do it for yourself and not just because you want your relationship back. And in the alternative if you decide you don't want to get better or if you do think ctb is the right option, you should also take ownership of that and only do it because you think it is right, not because of anything she does or does not do. Sounds like this is a very hurtful situation and I hope it gets better for you. One other thing to consider is if you can feel again that means you are still capable of feeling so even though it is bad right now it could also get better and you might feel good again one day.

 

[RoachApproach]

No, I think it's just a kink thing. I still love her. But I think a lot of women are into that. Or maybe I've just watched too much porn. This is the only woman I've ever been with, so I'm not sure.

"How could someone do this"

Women lie
Men lie

Generally if it's the woman wanting you to call them a slut that's the one you want the affair with and not the wife

Based on how you described the woman it seems she will be fine being a slut, which is what she is from her own mouth

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

No, I think it's just a kink thing. I still love her. But I think a lot of women are into that. Or maybe I've just watched too much porn. This is the only woman I've ever been with, so I'm not sure.

If it's the only woman you've ever been with this describes why you feel the way you do.

You will be desensitized to women if you sleep around a bit. This may potentially ruin your ability to fall in love or make it very difficult.

 

[RoachApproach]

If it's the only woman you've ever been with this describes why you feel the way you do.

You will be desensitized to women if you sleep around a bit. This may potentially ruin your ability to fall in love or make it very difficult.

Maybe that's true. But despite me not being religious. I hold sex very sacred. I couldn't do it with anyone I don't trust and love completely. Which is probably why it hurt so much when she moved on so quickly. I've been thinking if I ctb anyways I might as well try hookups, but I just don't think I could/want to.

 

[its-about-time]

Breakups with someone you wanted to spend your life with really, really hurt. And it hurts for a long time. In ever-evolving ways. I personally went on to sleep with a friend after I was broken up with, within a couple months. It certainly was not because I was moving on, it was because I was trying to cope and was self-destructing. Sure felt like shit about it. I don't know what your partner's motivation was for that, but try to consider other reasons besides "she must've not cared about me then." Better yet, don't consider any of it, because it's just gonna keep you in the cycle of hurt. Sorry you're going through this.

 

[braindead91]

A lot of people use rebound sex to get over someone in a way. Or she could just be promiscuous by nature. Honestly you probably dodged a bullet. Anyways, CTB over break ups has always been silly to me. Ending your life over another man/woman is beyond stupid to me personally. You should look after yourself, give it some time, and eventually you'll find someone better for you. You will be much happier when you look back at everything.

 

[motel rooms]

Anyways, CTB over break ups has always been silly to me. Ending your life over another man/woman is beyond stupid to me personally.

How empathetic... Do you think it's beyond stupid to want to die because you can't find a romantic partner as well?

 

[Ashu]

"How could someone do this"

Women lie
Men lie

It's not so much that they're lying, it's that emotions aren't immutable, but we need to believe that some of them are.

 

[braindead91]

How empathetic... Do you think it's beyond stupid to want to die because you can't find a romantic partner as well?

I was just stating my opinion on the matter. But no, people die over loneliness all the time.

 

[motel rooms]

I was just stating my opinion on the matter. But no, people die over loneliness all the time.

So, only certain causes/types of loneliness are beyond stupid? Would it be beyond stupid for me to ctb if my partner broke up with me after ten years of living together, but not stupid to do it if he were to die in a car crash?

 

[Darkover]

Anyways, CTB over break ups has always been silly to me. Ending your life over another man/woman is beyond stupid to me personally.

obviously never been in love with someone

 

[braindead91]

obviously never been in love with someone

I have. So have billions of other people. Divorces happen all the time. Time goes by and people recover then move on with their lives..

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not think that there is such a thing as a 'silly' reason to ctb, we all have the right to exit this world at a time of our own choosing, it is a personal decision when to leave, and we all have different limits as to what we cope with. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, it must be so painful and devastating. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do and I hope you find relief from your suffering.

 

[RoachApproach]

A lot of people use rebound sex to get over someone in a way. Or she could just be promiscuous by nature. Honestly you probably dodged a bullet. Anyways, CTB over break ups has always been silly to me. Ending your life over another man/woman is beyond stupid to me personally. You should look after yourself, give it some time, and eventually you'll find someone better for you. You will be much happier when you look back at everything.

It's not so much ctb because of her. I was going to do it before we met, and she provided inspiration and support to keep going. Now that I don't have that, it's only a matter of time before I go. I wouldn't ctb because of her leaving me. That would probably scar her for the rest of her life, and I still love her, I don't want to cause her any more trauma than I already have.