CanIFindHappiness
New Member
- May 17, 2021
- 2
My boyfriend whom I thought was my true half, my soulmate, the love of my life.. whom I thought I could finally have true happiness with.. committed suicided 4 months ago.
He was a good man but in a lot of pain. He had a deadly car accident that put him in a coma for a bit and it was a miracle he survived. It was a long road to recovery since he woke up, but he was physically recovering really well while his brain was healing slowly... the traumatic brain injury it sustained was very very hard for him.. We could all see that his brain was slowly getting better, but his broken brain could not believe that he was. Real him came back sometimes, but it didn't last long enough for him to get the relief he needed. I tried so so hard to keep him alive. I loved him more than I loved myself...
But eventually.. after 6 months of tough fight with recovery... he decided to give up the painful life and catch his bus out of here... He wanted to free himself and free me...
I've been through horrible depression and suicidal periods before. And I thought I had truly healed from that. My boyfriend.. he brought me so much hope, purpose and happiness in my life. Now with him gone.. the choice he made... I am really really struggling. I find myself wanting to die everyday. I just want the pain to stop. It's a bit different than the struggles I had before in that now I just don't want to be alive in the world he doesn't exist. I am very unhealthy in the mind right now even though I am over all coping better with the loss and appear better (at least I try to be) to people around me.
I had a plan for exit before and I still think that is a viable option. It was the rachet strap and corn bag option to restrict blood flow to the brain. Btw, if anyone have link to that thread, please comment. It's been awhile since I did serious research. I'm even considering cutting open a big artery to get the job done though there is a reason for that not being my first choice.
I'm really torn. I know that my boyfriend would want me to live on. And I do think that he is watching over me. Honestly, that's why I'm still alive, I've been continuing on for him. But fuck. This life is just too much. It doesnt help that I'm not with my cat who was the only thing that really saved me from catching the bus before (after only one horrible attempt failed.) I could focus my mental and emotional energy to reunite with my cat that is currently being looked after by a family member(because I went crazy and took off after my borfriend died, leaving my old life behind) but I don't even feel like I have that kind of energy, which is crazy because she is the most important thing in this world left for me. A part of me thinks that it's good she is already with someone who can take care of her..
Thanks for reading. I wish we could all live in a painless world.
He was a good man but in a lot of pain. He had a deadly car accident that put him in a coma for a bit and it was a miracle he survived. It was a long road to recovery since he woke up, but he was physically recovering really well while his brain was healing slowly... the traumatic brain injury it sustained was very very hard for him.. We could all see that his brain was slowly getting better, but his broken brain could not believe that he was. Real him came back sometimes, but it didn't last long enough for him to get the relief he needed. I tried so so hard to keep him alive. I loved him more than I loved myself...
But eventually.. after 6 months of tough fight with recovery... he decided to give up the painful life and catch his bus out of here... He wanted to free himself and free me...
I've been through horrible depression and suicidal periods before. And I thought I had truly healed from that. My boyfriend.. he brought me so much hope, purpose and happiness in my life. Now with him gone.. the choice he made... I am really really struggling. I find myself wanting to die everyday. I just want the pain to stop. It's a bit different than the struggles I had before in that now I just don't want to be alive in the world he doesn't exist. I am very unhealthy in the mind right now even though I am over all coping better with the loss and appear better (at least I try to be) to people around me.
I had a plan for exit before and I still think that is a viable option. It was the rachet strap and corn bag option to restrict blood flow to the brain. Btw, if anyone have link to that thread, please comment. It's been awhile since I did serious research. I'm even considering cutting open a big artery to get the job done though there is a reason for that not being my first choice.
I'm really torn. I know that my boyfriend would want me to live on. And I do think that he is watching over me. Honestly, that's why I'm still alive, I've been continuing on for him. But fuck. This life is just too much. It doesnt help that I'm not with my cat who was the only thing that really saved me from catching the bus before (after only one horrible attempt failed.) I could focus my mental and emotional energy to reunite with my cat that is currently being looked after by a family member(because I went crazy and took off after my borfriend died, leaving my old life behind) but I don't even feel like I have that kind of energy, which is crazy because she is the most important thing in this world left for me. A part of me thinks that it's good she is already with someone who can take care of her..
Thanks for reading. I wish we could all live in a painless world.
