The light inside me has broken

[TheHatedOne]

And the only thing I'm doing is just wandering mindlessly through the days feeling all kind of discomfort and pain, I can't feel anything that isn't on the negative side and all those laughs turn very soon into cries. Going through time all drained and miserable, but with finding comfort in the possibility (although unsure for now) that I can end it all how I'd like.

I remember when I used to be the good, cool, funny, smart, helpful and kind person in my teenage years and how many people told me this. The same people who then proceeded to hurt me and abandon me. Now I'm just a bitter misanthrope, soulless, can't think straight, not able to do much anymore. I used to be a factory which produced good things, now I'm just a ruin. In fact I don't even know who am I. What am I? I'm completely a stranger to myself. People say they know me but how if even I don't know myself? Who's inside me? How can I trust myself if I don't know myself? Which version of me was the true one? The person I was in my teen years or the monster I am now? Or something else? Have I always been a monster?

I don't even know what I want anymore. There's only misery everywhere.

Yet another shitty post of mine. I'm sorry.

 

[SanguineHare]

You have no need to be sorry.
For what it's worth I always enjoy seeing your posts in this place.

 

[Noctis]

So relatable.

I've met so many people that I knew back in high school and college that say they barely recognize me. I used to be full of laughter and witty jokes and I could easily entertain a room.

Now? I will do everything in my power to never talk to another human in person. Just a simple "Hey, how was your weekend?" from a coworker ignites the anxiety.

 

[TheHatedOne]

So relatable.

I've met so many people that I knew back in high school and college that say they barely recognize me. I used to be full of laughter and witty jokes and I could easily entertain a room.

Now? I will do everything in my power to never talk to another human in person. Just a simple "Hey, how was your weekend?" from a coworker ignites the anxiety.

I'm also avoiding interactions nowadays. People are scary. But I think I'm scary too. See, I don't know and it consumes me: was I born a bad person or did I become one? Am I a bad person in the first place? I hurt people and brought suffering, I did awful stuff so it's better to stay away. However, the loneliness hurts. It sucks to feel lonely constantly.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I'm also avoiding interactions nowadays. People are scary. But I think I'm scary too. See, I don't know and it consumes me: was I born a bad person or did I become one? Am I a bad person in the first place? I hurt people and brought suffering, I did awful stuff so it's better to stay away. However, the loneliness hurts. It sucks to feel lonely constantly.

People are absolutely terrifying. They are really good at sniffing out weakness and will not hesitate to exploit you for their own selfish reasons. It does get lonely being so defensive but it is better than constantly being used up by other people. I really have no answers. If I had the ability to smoothly navigate social situations, I would probably not ctb despite all my other health and financial problems.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I'm also avoiding interactions nowadays. People are scary. But I think I'm scary too. See, I don't know and it consumes me: was I born a bad person or did I become one? Am I a bad person in the first place? I hurt people and brought suffering, I did awful stuff so it's better to stay away. However, the loneliness hurts. It sucks to feel lonely constantly.

Negative experiences can shape us and sometimes we don't react well to situations that are overwhelming or hurting to us. When we feel that we have done wrong to others, it helps to forgive oneself, make amends when possible and then learn from it. It's easier said than done, I know.

We can choose the qualities we want for ourselves mostly so it's good to decide what we wanna be and try our best, though it's not always easy.

And when we are hurt, I guess it's easier and safer to avoid. I feel the same way too but the loneliness is pretty overbearing.

 

[meetapple]

People are absolutely terrifying. They are really good at sniffing out weakness and will not hesitate to exploit you for their own selfish reasons. It does get lonely being so defensive but it is better than constantly being used up by other people. I really have no answers. If I had the ability to smoothly navigate social situations, I would probably not ctb despite all my other health and financial problems.

Well put.

 

[rationaltake]

And the only thing I'm doing is just wandering mindlessly through the days feeling all kind of discomfort and pain, I can't feel anything that isn't on the negative side and all those laughs turn very soon into cries. Going through time all drained and miserable, but with finding comfort in the possibility (although unsure for now) that I can end it all how I'd like.

I remember when I used to be the good, cool, funny, smart, helpful and kind person in my teenage years and how many people told me this. The same people who then proceeded to hurt me and abandon me. Now I'm just a bitter misanthrope, soulless, can't think straight, not able to do much anymore. I used to be a factory which produced good things, now I'm just a ruin. In fact I don't even know who am I. What am I? I'm completely a stranger to myself. People say they know me but how if even I don't know myself? Who's inside me? How can I trust myself if I don't know myself? Which version of me was the true one? The person I was in my teen years or the monster I am now? Or something else? Have I always been a monster?

I don't even know what I want anymore. There's only misery everywhere.

Yet another shitty post of mine. I'm sorry.

One thing you are is eloquent. You put this so well. I can relate to this. Sorry you're in this position. My light is broken too.