Discussion The "lift" after the decision

[NickStanfield]

When you made the decision to CTB - not just felt like it would be a possibility but actually made the decision, did you feel a sense of relief? Sort of like you had made the decision that would ultimately relieve the pain and suffering? I'm sure it's really pseudo relief, meaning that, in the moment I feel better because I can see an end to the anxiety and pain and there's a path forward and it gives my broken brain a sense that decisions have been made and I can lean on that for a moment. I hope I'm making sense.

Given this, things feel a little lighter, like I see an issue that would kick me in the gut but because of this "lift", I'm not worrying about it. I'm sure it's artificial and will come apart soon but it has given me a minute of breathing room. Anyone else experience this?

 

[lymbo]

me. l feel the same way

 

[Kikoo Loool]

me. l feel the same way

You found a keyboard with the 'I'!

 

[lymbo]

You found a keyboard with the 'I'!

no l use the letter L not shyfted for the personal pronoun lol

 

[Lethe]

I felt the same way, though the feeling hasn't left. I still feel empowered to do whatever I want with my life, knowing that there's a way out if things should get hairy. Now, every moment that I remain in this world is a voluntary choice that I've made, rather than a prison that I'm locked in.

You found a keyboard with the 'I'!

Maybe it's a lowercase L

EDIT: called it

 

[Brick In The Wall]

It can definitely be euphoric. It gives me a sense of relief that I have the choice and option available to me. Kind of like a red emergency escape handle to life. But if it's actually an end to the pain still remains to be seen altogether.

 

[lymbo]

makes one wonder what ys after death?

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

Given this, things feel a little lighter, like I see an issue that would kick me in the gut but because of this "lift", I'm not worrying about it. I'm sure it's artificial and will come apart soon but it has given me a minute of breathing room. Anyone else experience this?

Yes, I don't know if I would call it artificial really, from my experience, but it was definitely a relief at first. Took a lot of pressure I was feeling off of me.

But now after sometime of having my materials for both main choice and back up plan, I am now in a state of worry about whether either will work, because I do not do it properly (despite so much preparation, practice trial runs, and studying, to the letter) or some unknown defect in my materials (is my nitrogen pure enough?) or a reaction I might have to a material (not sure my body agrees with meto too well, and I am daunted at the task of finding suitable replacement).

So now I feel kind of shitty for having felt relieved, because maybe I am not as prepared as I thought, and it's not a done deal.

Yeah, so actually, I guess it was artificial for me after all. haha

 

[NickStanfield]

Yes, I don't know if I would call it artificial really, from my experience, but it was definitely a relief at first. Took a lot of pressure I was feeling off of me.

But now after sometime of having my materials for both main choice and back up plan, I am now in a state of worry about whether either will work, because I do not do it properly (despite so much preparation, practice trial runs, and studying, to the letter) or some unknown defect in my materials (is my nitrogen pure enough?) or a reaction I might have to a material (not sure my body agrees with meto too well, and I am daunted at the task of finding suitable replacement).

So now I feel kind of shitty for having felt relieved, because maybe I am not as prepared as I thought, and it's not a done deal.

I get that. The worst would be to go to CTB after all the planning and then find it didn't work, and I'd be in the same place, same circumstances plus the whole situation of loved ones hating me for what I tried to do. That's why I'm going with the most planful, overboard model that I can put together, short of jumping or gunshot.

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

The worst would be to go to CTB after all the planning and then find it didn't work, and I'd be in the same place, same circumstances plus the whole situation of loved ones hating me for what I tried to do.

Fuck, yes. I feel this.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

I've felt that both times before I tried. Such a f*cked up kind of happiness but sometimes the only kind I'd get in a while. Kind of like a drug really. It made me feel that I could do anything and it gave me strength when no one else did.

 

[NickStanfield]

I've felt that both times before I tried. Such a f*cked up kind of happiness but sometimes the only kind I'd get in a while. Kind of like a drug really. It made me feel that I could do anything and it gave me strength when no one else did.

I can imagine that the low afterwards must be terrible. I know that it scares the hell out of me.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

Mostly it gives me anxiety. Afraid of living, afraid of dying, caught between a rock and a hard place.

 

[SoupSnakes]

Massively so. Prior to my last attempt (hanging) I almost felt happy (?) that it was almost over. Then I found this forum and decided upon the SN method. Once I'd ordered it and knew roughly what my plan would be, I've just felt a sense of calm and relief

 

[jgm63]

You found a keyboard with the 'I'!

Bryllyant comment


lymbo Please allow us a small joke, we're laughing with you, not at you

 

[lymbo]

there ys aways place fr humor yn dark forum lyke thys l supose

 

[jgm63]

there ys aways place fr humor yn dark forum lyke thys l supose

Thank god, you've regained your spelling abilities - we were beginning to worry for a moment....

[ JK.... ]

 

[Neverod]

Yeah, i have experienced that, the moment i decided to ctb, but also a part of me thought: "ofc, this is how i will end, why i have been ignoring it for years?" And so a torrent of feelings and thoughts came, about not facing it when you first feel it.

 

[Kodama]

I'm not even sure i'll be able to CTB even If I want to ...

 

[Kotochan]

I definitely feel relief - Like none of my problems are really affecting me anymore. It starts to wear off though - I get more unstable and my tolerance to stress goes back down after a short while. Like maybe a week at tops. I was getting really stressed out that my current method wouldn't work and I was literally thinking of hanging myself again - that I would need to do it tonight. I was snapping at my dogs and all kinds of things. Today I made a big step and my F is on the way finally. So I feel that relief again haha.

I've had therapists liken this cycle of suicidality to an addiction. I think that's kind of silly though. Calling that an addiction is like calling work or breathing an addiction - it sort of ruins the purpose of the original word while also stigmatizing something that I struggle with. That kind of logic is looking at the problem in the wrong way imo. The suicidal tendencies aren't the problem for me - it's the things causing them that I'm concerned about. Like struggling to do basic things in life. If I stopped being "addicted" I would end up in the same place again because the underlying cause is always bringing me back to the same things anyways.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yes, and it was exhilarating but for me it turned out to be short-lived. When I had hit my lowest point back in May, I was struck with terrible grief for two weeks but then I finally snapped and decided to kill myself. However, the longer I drag this out the more intense the emotions get. I'm really hoping I'll be able to regain it back once the time finally comes within the first-half of next year (or much sooner if an emergency arises.) I'm confident I'll be able to go through with it as it really isn't a "choice" for me per se but it still causes me a titanic amount of stress everyday.

 

[imstillhungry]

Not for me. I attempted almost 2 weeks ago, and I didn't experience any lift in my mood. Maybe because I don't believe in an afterlife, I don't know. I'm still as depressed as ever. I'm going to attempt again soon.

 

[Ithinkimdone]

Mostly it gives me anxiety. Afraid of living, afraid of dying, caught between a rock and a hard place.

Exactly how I feel right now!