Venting The last thing I had left is gone.

[suacide]

There really is no god.
I cried and begged night after night for months for her not to die, but she did anyway. I prayed like I did as a child, I prayed on everything I had, promising I'd change for the better if only god just allowed her to live. I was all alone, hoping she'd come hope soon once she got out of hospital for months, and because if that I barely visited her. I think a part of me was scared I'd end up crying in front of her. I'm such a stupid little girl. She needed me. She needed me there and I didn't go. I was stupid and selfish and didn't go because I was worried about how it'd hurt me to see her like that, instead of how she felt having leukaemia, alone in hospital.
I deserve to die, and I should die. I need to die. Nobody will ever love me like she did, and I'll never love anyone like I love her. I miss my mom. I miss her more than anything. I want to see her again. I can't do this without her. No matter what any of my estranged family says, they're only near me for her. I know she asked them to not leave me alone. Probably not because she thought I'd hurt myself, but because I'm a helpless, pathetic person. But she loved me anyway.

I used to think she was evil. I couldn't comprehend that she was in so much pain, and that's why she'd sometimes hit or be cruel to a difficult kid like me. What else was she meant to do? I was a terror. I was horrible. I don't care that I went through trauma and was acting out, so was she. I didn't know about the psychosis. I didn't know about the way her bones hurt all the time. I didn't know my dad hit her and that's why we left. I didn't know how her family tried to trap her, or how cruel things were done to her as a child by the neighbour boys, just like how it was done to me. I wish I listened. I wish I never brushed her off. I have to be the evil one. I didn't know that everytime I went out of sight it felt like a panic attack, and she had to do all of that through a language barrier. Life hasn't been kind to her, or me, but I wish I just took the time to really understand her. I wish I really got to know her. We could have been best friends. Instead I pushed her away selfishly, thinking my life was soooo hard while she was fucking dying without telling a soul. I hate myself. God I hate myself. Please bring her back.

I was 10 minutes late seeing her before she died. 10 minutes. God really does hate me if I'm real. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to look her in the eye and tell her I love her. I wanted her to see me one final time and let me lie and say that I'd be okay and I'd become a proper human being. Maybe I would have. I wanted to give her that comfort, after so many years of being such a useless, stupid daughter who could never do anything right. A waste of her beauty, experiences and DNA. And yet she loved me anyway. And then, I wanted to have the ultimate punishment of seeing her off. Maybe if it's not god, maybe she did it on purpose so I couldn't punish myself. I keep thinking about it. 10 minutes. It's been 22 days since she left me. It's gotten no better. A part of me has left with her. Life won't let any better for me. I need to die now, before I become old, ugly and have a child in hopes of having a piece of her back with me only to put it through the same life.

I want to die how she remembers me. I want to die as her daughter. I want to die as her little angel.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

And I look up to the sky
And I know you're still alive
But I wonder where you are
I call your name into the dark

I wake up in the morning, oh
And I don't know where I've been
All alone on a mountainside
And huddled in the wind

And it feels like I've been away for an era
But nothing has changed at all
And it feels like I've been with you
But, oh, what did you do and where have you gone?

I am ready to follow you
Even though I don't know where
I've been waiting the night
Until you decide to take me there

'Cause I know I don't wanna stay here forever
It's time to be moving on
Oh, I don't wanna be the only one living
When all of my friends are gone

I will be waiting for you
On the other side of the frozen pines
I'm gonna find a way through
There's another life beyond the lie

 

[suacide]

And I look up to the sky
And I know you're still alive
But I wonder where you are
I call your name into the dark

I wake up in the morning, oh
And I don't know where I've been
All alone on a mountainside
And huddled in the wind

And it feels like I've been away for an era
But nothing has changed at all
And it feels like I've been with you
But, oh, what did you do and where have you gone?

I am ready to follow you
Even though I don't know where
I've been waiting the night
Until you decide to take me there

'Cause I know I don't wanna stay here forever
It's time to be moving on
Oh, I don't wanna be the only one living
When all of my friends are gone

I will be waiting for you
On the other side of the frozen pines
I'm gonna find a way through
There's another life beyond the lie

Thank you… Frozen Pines was actually one of the songs I kept listening to while having to deal with everything. The paperwork, dealing with relatives with no sympathy for me, getting the death certificate - all that.
I feel a little better now, I'm calmer, but I still do wish I could see her, thinking about her. I think I'll listen to that song for a while until I fall asleep. Goodnight for now, friend.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Thank you… Frozen Pines was actually one of the songs I kept listening to while having to deal with everything. The paperwork, dealing with relatives with no sympathy for me, getting the death certificate - all that.
I feel a little better now, I'm calmer, but I still do wish I could see her, thinking about her. I think I'll listen to that song for a while until I fall asleep. Goodnight for now, friend.

I'm very surprised you recognized the song! Not a lot of Lord Huron fans out here. In the Wind is in a similar vein (especially the Alive from Whispering Pines version, of which there is also a version for Frozen Pines), I cry listen to it on repeat during my worst moments. LH expresses grief in such a deep, cosmic, eternal way.

 

[suacide]

I'm very surprised you recognized the song! Not a lot of Lord Huron fans out here. In the Wind is in a similar vein (especially the Alive from Whispering Pines version, of which there is also a version for Frozen Pines), I cry listen to it on repeat during my worst moments. LH expresses grief in such a deep, cosmic, eternal way.

I'm a bit late, but yeah! Very true, I have a pretty awful grasp on time but at some point, maybe a year or so ago Love Me Like You Used To popped up on my auto play and that's how I first got introduced to his stuff. He really does have a way with expressing things I don't think I ever could, but feel deeply. I think that's what I love about music, it can be felt by so many and just knowing that, I feel less alone. I'm not the only one who was at some point laying on my side, thinking of a loved one while listening to Frozen Pines, and I get a lot of comfort in that.

 

[SleepyBB]

I'm sure she knew that you loved her. There's no way she didn't. No matter what, children almost always still love the parents. I'm so sorry you're going through this tough time right now

 

[suacide]

I'm sure she knew that you loved her. There's no way she didn't. No matter what, children almost always still love the parents. I'm so sorry you're going through this tough time right now

Thank you… A few days before she passed, I did get to talk to her.

I brought her a huge gift basket. Blankets, beanies, a plushie, soft comfortable items, sensitive skin lotion, chapstick, fresh fruit, fake flowers since they wouldn't let me bring real ones, a keychain of her favourite flower, a crystal tree since she loved stuff like that… just a bunch of stuff I was agonising about, happily thinking to myself "This will look nice in the house when she gets back!"
I wrote her a card too, wishing her the best in health and to come home soon. I was told that night that she was in the dying stages and I almost ripped it up but I just… kept it instead. I just wrote more. Ripped off a notepad and started pouring out my heart. Telling her that no matter what she did to me in life, don't feel guilt, that I forgave her and understood her now, that I'd never choose anyone else to be my mother and just how much I love her. That no matter what she was my mother, and that I love her.
She read it and at the end all she said, struggling to say it was "I'm still alive" with a really faint laugh. I don't think she knew she was gonna die either.
The day after, she couldn't even talk anymore. I burst out into tears just like a month before when I first put my hand on her head that was slowly losing hair (I couldn't help but wonder if she'd put her hand on my head just like I had when I was born) and she made expressions through the morphine so I did my best to smile though the tears and told her I'm not sad, I'm just gonna really miss her. I sat there for hours with our family in the other room, telling her just… everything. Talking about everything. Expressing how much I loved her. She closed her eyes at some point, but I just hope she was listening. I want to believe she heard me.

I visited her for days in row before it happened. I think I just feel such immense guilt because I wasn't there for the day I wanted it to be, or the days before it took a really bad turn. We also had an argument just days before over text. It's killing me from the inside out that an argument was one of our very last cohesive conversations we had. I have her phone now, and I scroll through our old conversations and the lonely looking photos she took in the hospital, and I just curl up and cry thinking of her. I still text her number, and once out of delusion I texted myself back 'I love you too' just so I could feel imagine her saying it again. I'm terrified of forgetting her voice.
I was planning on going home, then staying the next night because I thought she'd live at least just one more day. I guess that's just what was so cruel about it to me.