Venting The last straw

[ReadyToGo34]

A few days ago, I didn't think I wanted to tell anybody of my plans. But against my better judgement, I did. My mom goes live on social media a lot now because she has serious health complications and has sought it out as a way of making friends. And she has. She typically goes on very early mornings, and I used to work nights (recently unemployed) so I would hop on at times when I couldn't sleep. I saw she was live a few days ago, maybe a week, not sure, all my days are a blur now, but I commented with my usual "hey mommy!". One thing I wanna say before I continue is, she doesn't deserve the attention I give her. I suspect she is a narcissist and from the age of 1 I was raised by my grandparents. She abandoned me, and did her "best" to be in my life a few years later and beyond, but she's just...not a mom. I've viewed her as like the cool bigger sister for a long time. She's not fit. But I digress. I say my usual greeting, everybody else says hi, and I stay for awhile to chat. Meanwhile, I contact her via a different app to impulsively tell her hey look, I want to DIE. Like...I can't go on anymore. I hurt, momma. Told her how I had a plan. She didn't see the notification at first, since she is busy on live. I write in the chat, hey check your other app, I wrote you something. She did and wrote back I'll call you when I'm done. I'm like...okay...so she'll just wrap it up and be done. Nope. She just stayed on live. Like..laughing and talking and livin it up. This goes on for over another hour. I hit her up again like ????? I'm in crisis, I need you, and her response was to tell me what a "huge dump" that was on her. I......I understand it's heavy news, but get off with your little friends and talk to me. I need my mother. Argument insues, where she is STILL on live, messaging me from the other app at the same time, and I finally said when I kill myself consider yourself responsible. She got mad that I would say that but I was done. In the mass letter I am asking my ex (pathetic I know, but I have nobody else to distribute this) to pass on to everybody, I have requested that my mother not have access to my funeral or knowing where I am laid to rest because she doesn't deserve it. And I mention in it, exposing her to everybody, that she couldn't be bothered to get off of live when I told her. I hope she feels like absolute dog shit over this. All this to say, I hope I am in the right. As an almost 50 year old woman with complicated mental illnesses herself, you'd think she would handle this better. Just ranting, I know it's incredibly long but if you read it all, thank you. I was already pretty determined, having suffered for years, losing the love of my life and losing my employment, but this was my last straw.